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ADHD is usually described in three main areas: hyperactivity, inattention, and impulsivity. Some children show all three, while others lean more strongly in one direction.
Hyperactive ADHD traits
When people think of ADHD, this is often what they picture.
Hyperactivity in children can look like:
- constant movement or restlessness
- struggling to sit still, even when trying
- very high energy levels throughout the day
- difficulties settling at night or disrupted sleep
- impulsive or risk-taking behaviour
- frequent fidgeting or talking
Inattentive ADHD in children.
Not all ADHD looks loud or busy on the outside.
Inattentive ADHD is sometimes described as “internal hyperactivity” and can be much easier to miss. Children with this profile may:
- daydream or lose focus easily
- struggle to switch off their thoughts
- overthink or worry excessively
- appear quiet, withdrawn, or “in their own world”
- be labelled as lazy, anxious, or not trying
Impulsivity and emotional regulationImpulsivity isn’t just about behaviour. It also affects emotions.
A child with ADHD may:
- act without thinking things through
- interrupt others or struggle to wait their turn
- react very quickly to frustration or disappointment
- experience big emotions that feel overwhelming in the moment
When ADHD behaviours might be something else.
It’s important to say this clearly: noticing ADHD-like traits does not automatically mean your child has ADHD.
Many behaviours linked to ADHD are also common in young children, especially under the age of five. Tiredness, anxiety, stress, sensory overload, or major changes can all affect attention, behaviour, and emotional regulation.
What tends to matter most is consistency and impact. If difficulties are:
- present across different settings
- ongoing rather than occasional
- becoming more noticeable as your child grows or reaches puberty
What to do if you think your child has ADHD (UK)
If you’re wondering how to know if your child has ADHD, a good first step in the UK is speaking to your GP. They can discuss your concerns and, if appropriate, refer your child for an ADHD assessment through CAMHS or another specialist service.
Some parents also find screeners helpful as an initial sense-check. The Child Mind Institute offers a free online ADHD screener for children and teens. This isn’t a diagnosis, but it can help you decide whether further assessment might be worthwhile.
When you’re not sure whether to take this further
Questioning whether your child might have ADHD can feel heavy. Many parents worry about labels, judgement, or getting it wrong. Wanting clarity and support doesn’t mean there’s something “wrong” with your child. It means you’re paying attention.
If you’re supporting a child with possible ADHD and want practical guidance around transitions, emotional regulation, and everyday strategies, you can find resources on my shop page. If you’re feeling unsure what to do next, you’re welcome to book a free 30-minute chat and we’ll talk it through.
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Does your child mask at school but fall apart at home?
What happens at home often looks nothing like what school sees. In addition, when it comes to gathering evidence from school for a diagnosis, masking can massively get in the way of that evidence.
I am a parent to two grown children - one was a masker and the other wasn’t. Can you guess which one was diagnosed aged seven and the other when they were twenty one? My son was never a masker at school, sometimes I wish he had been, maybe then I wouldn’t have received hundreds of calls about his behaviour! My daughter, on the other hand, masked at school then blew up at home. Teachers definitely didn’t see what we could.
What masking looks like in ADHD and autistic children
So what is it? Masking is the act of suppressing or concealing neurodivergent traits in order to appear neurotypical. Masking in school is common for ADHD and autistic children, especially those who appear to be coping but fall apart at home. It doesn’t take very long to realise that you’re different to others. In fact children are often quite scathing towards any other class member who appears different or who doesn’t act in the same way as they do. So as a survival strategy, masking can protect the individual from rejection and prevent negative attention.
There are various forms of masking - the type that is quiet, withdrawn, keeps their social circle small etc. Then there is the opposite - loud, gregarious, popular. Over the years, I’ve met both kinds and everything in between. Whilst the quiet masker keeps themselves safe by trying to disappear into the background, the louder masker uses their behaviour to act as a decoy. What both have in common is that, at some point, the mask falls away and then they feel completely exhausted.
When the mask drops: exhaustion and meltdowns
Sometimes that exhaustion appears through naps, isolation and monosyllabic conversations. Others will blow up and take that frustration and energy that’s been building all day and unleash it at home.. This accounts for the ‘coke-bottle effect’ when they suddenly change from calm to explosive.
How parents can support a child who is masking
How we support them is by first looking for any signs of exhaustion from masking. Taking it a stage further, asking gentle questions about school or college, maybe about what they’re finding hard or who they’re friends with is worth persevering with. Conversations in the car work particularly well because there is something else to focus on through the windows making communication flow a little better. Whatever you talk about and where nothing is more essential than choosing the right moment.
If they are overwhelmed, tired or angry you won’t get anywhere, but equally, if they’re having a good time and happy, bringing up school will just act as cold water and shut them down. This is where your intuition can really help. Remember, a single conversation will not cure masking but opening up channels of communication is never a bad idea. Often friendships can reveal what’s going on. If they’re able to be themselves around their friends that’s a great sign but if they’re anxious about socialising, looking a certain way or if friendships break down, they may be masking with their friends too.
It’s also a good idea to stay in touch with school and to let them know if you suspect your child might be masking. Referrals for ADHD or autism rely on the evidence of teachers so if they are masking, there’s a high chance that school will be unable to provide evidence. Having a key person to reach out to and discuss masking can help both you and your child. School can also provide support so that your child can access respite and potentially drop the mask for a time. Ask about a quiet place that your child can go to so that they’re not carrying the load throughout the day.
Stimming: what happens when children finally feel safe
You may also see your child ‘stim’ once the mask drops. Stimming is when a person repeatedly makes the same movements or sounds.What I love in coaching is when the young person slowly takes down the ‘mask’ and their true personality starts to shine through, including stims! I know when we’ve connected because sometimes I’ll be stimming at the same time they are. Sounds odd but really we’re talking about us both humming or making a noise - maybe you have to be there!
Masking is not a behaviour problem, a parenting failure or a phase to be fixed. It’s a coping strategy, and often a costly one. When children spend their days holding it together, it makes sense that home becomes the place where everything spills out. The goal isn’t to force the mask off, but to notice the signs, reduce the pressure where we can and help them feel safe enough to be themselves, in school and out. When adults understand masking, we stop dismissing what parents see and start understanding them better.
If this resonates, I’ve put together a small bundle of practical resources for Christmas. They’re designed to support neurodivergent children who are tired, overwhelmed or masking and to support parents as they support their kids and communicate with schools. You can find the details below:
What happens at home often looks nothing like what school sees. In addition, when it comes to gathering evidence from school for a diagnosis, masking can massively get in the way of that evidence.
I am a parent to two grown children - one was a masker and the other wasn’t. Can you guess which one was diagnosed aged seven and the other when they were twenty one? My son was never a masker at school, sometimes I wish he had been, maybe then I wouldn’t have received hundreds of calls about his behaviour! My daughter, on the other hand, masked at school then blew up at home. Teachers definitely didn’t see what we could.
What masking looks like in ADHD and autistic children
So what is it? Masking is the act of suppressing or concealing neurodivergent traits in order to appear neurotypical. Masking in school is common for ADHD and autistic children, especially those who appear to be coping but fall apart at home. It doesn’t take very long to realise that you’re different to others. In fact children are often quite scathing towards any other class member who appears different or who doesn’t act in the same way as they do. So as a survival strategy, masking can protect the individual from rejection and prevent negative attention.
There are various forms of masking - the type that is quiet, withdrawn, keeps their social circle small etc. Then there is the opposite - loud, gregarious, popular. Over the years, I’ve met both kinds and everything in between. Whilst the quiet masker keeps themselves safe by trying to disappear into the background, the louder masker uses their behaviour to act as a decoy. What both have in common is that, at some point, the mask falls away and then they feel completely exhausted.
When the mask drops: exhaustion and meltdowns
Sometimes that exhaustion appears through naps, isolation and monosyllabic conversations. Others will blow up and take that frustration and energy that’s been building all day and unleash it at home.. This accounts for the ‘coke-bottle effect’ when they suddenly change from calm to explosive.
How parents can support a child who is masking
How we support them is by first looking for any signs of exhaustion from masking. Taking it a stage further, asking gentle questions about school or college, maybe about what they’re finding hard or who they’re friends with is worth persevering with. Conversations in the car work particularly well because there is something else to focus on through the windows making communication flow a little better. Whatever you talk about and where nothing is more essential than choosing the right moment.
If they are overwhelmed, tired or angry you won’t get anywhere, but equally, if they’re having a good time and happy, bringing up school will just act as cold water and shut them down. This is where your intuition can really help. Remember, a single conversation will not cure masking but opening up channels of communication is never a bad idea. Often friendships can reveal what’s going on. If they’re able to be themselves around their friends that’s a great sign but if they’re anxious about socialising, looking a certain way or if friendships break down, they may be masking with their friends too.
It’s also a good idea to stay in touch with school and to let them know if you suspect your child might be masking. Referrals for ADHD or autism rely on the evidence of teachers so if they are masking, there’s a high chance that school will be unable to provide evidence. Having a key person to reach out to and discuss masking can help both you and your child. School can also provide support so that your child can access respite and potentially drop the mask for a time. Ask about a quiet place that your child can go to so that they’re not carrying the load throughout the day.
Stimming: what happens when children finally feel safe
You may also see your child ‘stim’ once the mask drops. Stimming is when a person repeatedly makes the same movements or sounds.What I love in coaching is when the young person slowly takes down the ‘mask’ and their true personality starts to shine through, including stims! I know when we’ve connected because sometimes I’ll be stimming at the same time they are. Sounds odd but really we’re talking about us both humming or making a noise - maybe you have to be there!
Masking is not a behaviour problem, a parenting failure or a phase to be fixed. It’s a coping strategy, and often a costly one. When children spend their days holding it together, it makes sense that home becomes the place where everything spills out. The goal isn’t to force the mask off, but to notice the signs, reduce the pressure where we can and help them feel safe enough to be themselves, in school and out. When adults understand masking, we stop dismissing what parents see and start understanding them better.
If this resonates, I’ve put together a small bundle of practical resources for Christmas. They’re designed to support neurodivergent children who are tired, overwhelmed or masking and to support parents as they support their kids and communicate with schools. You can find the details below:
- Published on
It’s the one room of the house we have no real control over: the teenager’s bedroom. If you’re anything like me, you will have admitted defeat part way through age 11 and silently retreated to the other (less rank) part of the house! So what do you do when you open the cupboards and realise there aren’t any glasses or plates left, and that they are, in fact, lying around upstairs in the bedroom of doom conducting their own petri dish experiment?
But here’s the surprise: most of the clients I see below the age of 16 want to talk about how they can finally conquer the problem of the bedroom for themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. For some, having a tidy bedroom means they can finally find what it is they’re looking for; for others, a tidy bedroom equals a tidy mind; and for some, they struggle to sleep if certain micro messes are staring them in the face. And, as you’d expect, they also want less nagging and less shouting!
So how did the problem of the bedroom become so big that it becomes a hot topic for ADHD coaching? Well, really, when you think about it, it’s not about the bedroom at all. What it actually boils down to is executive dysfunction and negative self-perception. Executive function is basically how our brain organises our thoughts and tasks, helps us decide what to do next, manage time, and keep things moving forward, and with ADHD, these processes can feel like juggling invisible balls!
Recently, one of my clients specifically chose the tidying of her bedroom as a topic for a coaching session. We began by establishing why her tidy bedroom was important to her and why being more organised might have a positive impact.
After discussing which elements of tidying bored her the most, we began to rank the jobs from best to worst. Just as we were getting to the real ‘how’ part of the session, my client began to share what had worked and not worked in the past. Having somebody in the room had been helpful. Having music on was unhelpful. Apparently, she had already tried this but had got sidetracked by the playlist. Then we explored other options, such as breaking the job into smaller parts, mixing the ‘bad’ jobs with the ‘best’, and creating a sense of competition.
But then there was a twist. Just as we were establishing a clear way forward, all of a sudden her energy began to shift. She started slumping and sighing and I’m sure at one point there was groaning. In that split second, something had shifted. I brought it up, but she was unsure. Now, when I reflect back, I think she was realising that even with all the strategies that she had just come up with, she was still going to have to do it!
In our next session, I’m going to ask about that because maybe what happened is what happens to many of us - negative self-talk.
‘Why can’t I just tidy it?’
‘Why am I such a failure at this?’
‘How come other people can keep their rooms tidy?’
‘Why am I rubbish?’
Overcoming negative self-perception is a large part of coaching teens. With hormones comes overthinking and, as we all know, being a teenager brings about a strong desire to be like their peers and not stand out. This is why tidying the bedroom is not just about a clean room; it’s symbolic of how something so small can actually represent something much bigger.
I’m not sure how to end this blog, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s about how offers of help might be better, or maybe it’s about just being more aware of how the bedroom can be more symbolic of what’s going on underneath. Either way, it can be tricky, so take every opportunity to spot when your teen does something right. Maybe they have a messy bedroom but can hold a conversation with an adult. Perhaps they leave muddy football boots in the middle of their unmade bed but are intuitive with tons of emotional intelligence. Whatever the state of their bedroom, it’s so important to build their self-belief and challenge negative ways of thinking.
For more information about how coaching can bring out the many qualities of your teen, reach out and let’s talk about how coaching might work for you and your teen.
https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
But here’s the surprise: most of the clients I see below the age of 16 want to talk about how they can finally conquer the problem of the bedroom for themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. For some, having a tidy bedroom means they can finally find what it is they’re looking for; for others, a tidy bedroom equals a tidy mind; and for some, they struggle to sleep if certain micro messes are staring them in the face. And, as you’d expect, they also want less nagging and less shouting!
So how did the problem of the bedroom become so big that it becomes a hot topic for ADHD coaching? Well, really, when you think about it, it’s not about the bedroom at all. What it actually boils down to is executive dysfunction and negative self-perception. Executive function is basically how our brain organises our thoughts and tasks, helps us decide what to do next, manage time, and keep things moving forward, and with ADHD, these processes can feel like juggling invisible balls!
Recently, one of my clients specifically chose the tidying of her bedroom as a topic for a coaching session. We began by establishing why her tidy bedroom was important to her and why being more organised might have a positive impact.
After discussing which elements of tidying bored her the most, we began to rank the jobs from best to worst. Just as we were getting to the real ‘how’ part of the session, my client began to share what had worked and not worked in the past. Having somebody in the room had been helpful. Having music on was unhelpful. Apparently, she had already tried this but had got sidetracked by the playlist. Then we explored other options, such as breaking the job into smaller parts, mixing the ‘bad’ jobs with the ‘best’, and creating a sense of competition.
But then there was a twist. Just as we were establishing a clear way forward, all of a sudden her energy began to shift. She started slumping and sighing and I’m sure at one point there was groaning. In that split second, something had shifted. I brought it up, but she was unsure. Now, when I reflect back, I think she was realising that even with all the strategies that she had just come up with, she was still going to have to do it!
In our next session, I’m going to ask about that because maybe what happened is what happens to many of us - negative self-talk.
‘Why can’t I just tidy it?’
‘Why am I such a failure at this?’
‘How come other people can keep their rooms tidy?’
‘Why am I rubbish?’
Overcoming negative self-perception is a large part of coaching teens. With hormones comes overthinking and, as we all know, being a teenager brings about a strong desire to be like their peers and not stand out. This is why tidying the bedroom is not just about a clean room; it’s symbolic of how something so small can actually represent something much bigger.
I’m not sure how to end this blog, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s about how offers of help might be better, or maybe it’s about just being more aware of how the bedroom can be more symbolic of what’s going on underneath. Either way, it can be tricky, so take every opportunity to spot when your teen does something right. Maybe they have a messy bedroom but can hold a conversation with an adult. Perhaps they leave muddy football boots in the middle of their unmade bed but are intuitive with tons of emotional intelligence. Whatever the state of their bedroom, it’s so important to build their self-belief and challenge negative ways of thinking.
For more information about how coaching can bring out the many qualities of your teen, reach out and let’s talk about how coaching might work for you and your teen.
https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
- Published on
In 2010, we moved from a busy town to the countryside and enrolled our children in the local primary school.
At first it was fine, at least for the first six weeks, then slowly, I started to feel the other mums were talking about me. Some stopped smiling and saying hello and at pick up, I could see other children pointing at my son and mothers holding clandestine conversations with other mums.
It was a fact: we were the new family in the village and yes, we were the owners of the ‘naughtiest’ boy in the school.
School Struggles
At home, behaviour hadn’t been that big of a problem but at school it was a different story.
In short, it was a slog getting my son through school. Phone calls, meetings, threats, report cards, detentions, behaviour points, the list goes on.
Here’s where I went wrong with punishment:
1. I attempted to double punish my son. What was given out at school, I would back up at home. Sometimes, I would even contact school and tell them what I’d done.
2. I would fight fire with fire. He would come home knowing that there would be more repercussions and would be ready for an argument which quickly escalated.
3.I would always assume that it was wilful instead of neurobiological!
The Shame and the Shift
Perhaps you’re reading this and recognising some of your story in mine which is why this blog is going to centre around something that troubles most parents daily - punishment. I used to feel that punishment was key, that it was my duty as a parent to support school and punish at home as best as I could to show solidarity and responsible parenting.
Now, when I look back, I realise that a lot of my actions were down to shame and embarrassment. Ashamed because of the judgement, embarrassed because of the flooded bathrooms among other incidents!
Except now when I think about it, a lot of my son’s impulsivity and inattention was down to his ADHD and a lot of my shame and fear of judgment was down to my ADHD.
What a mix!
So, now when I am asked by parents about how to improve behaviour and manage phone calls from school, I have a completely different set of answers compared to answers I would have given ten years ago.
Re-thinking Punishment
The truth is research and experts will tell you that punishing a child with ADHD is very different to that of a neurotypical child. Many experts will say that punishment in itself is pretty futile and ill advised, and I would agree that praise and reward in any setting - home or school - is far far more effective than just punishment alone. With greater understanding of ADHD, it is possible to introduce a combination of consequences and rewards to get the very best results.
The Three Cs: Consequences, Calm Communication, and Consistency
Consequences
Some children with ADHD are very reward-driven, others are more sensitive to criticism or punishment. Often it’s a combination of both.
As effective as rewards are, sometimes as parents we ‘dangle a carrot’ in order to motivate our children. However, a child with ADHD is quite often time blind so that a reward for the end of the week can feel too far away and it quickly loses its appeal.
Similarly, taking a reward away for a separate misdemeanour when a child has been working towards something can feel devastating and will do more damage than good. Making rewards timely, inexpensive and frequent works better than a big reward at the end of the week.
Natural consequences
Often letting your child struggle with natural consequences can be more effective than punishments alone. For example, forgetting a PE kit means no PE. Sounds harsh but these can have a positive impact in the long run.
Praise when least expected
Praise delivered in a specific way can completely transform a mood and encourage better behaviour. For example, ‘You got ready on time’ or ‘that’s good planning’. We all like praise but we really like it when someone notices the small efforts and recognises us for it.
Calm Communication
If your child is sensitive to criticism and often responds angrily or emotionally, then timing and delivery is key.
If they seem to be defensive and angry, leave it. If you begin the conversation sounding frustrated and with a raised voice, forget it, you will not get anywhere. Instead, choose your moment, even if it’s a few days later.
Model your regulation, talk about it: ‘I was angry yesterday so I didn’t speak to you about it. I’ve calmed down now and given myself some time to think…’ Model the fact that it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated but it is possible to manage those feelings and arrive at a better place. We have all been there when our child is refusing to accept responsibility. It’s not that they really reject their behaviour, it just hurts more than most to accept it.
My other top tip is to choose a neutral location for your chats. A car or a walk works really well. There’s early evidence in studies to suggest that side by side therapy can boost comfort, open up the possibility of disclosure and improve engagement.
Consistency
When flexibility and compromise is used regularly to support your ADHD child, knowing your boundaries as a parent is essential. Being consistent with certain boundaries protects you from resenting your child and makes it very clear that certain rules are set in stone. For me it was abusive language and violence of any kind. Not to say this never happened, but in my mind, they were the actions that needed to be taken seriously because what seems bad in a 12 year old is a whole different ball game when they’re 16 and 6ft 2.
Having two parents who are on the same page as each other also leads to better consistency and a united front. When consequences or praise are predictable, then the child is more likely to work towards that praise or avoid the action that they know will inevitably come. Besides, unpredictability can often be a welcome dopamine hit so removing that as a possibility saves everyone a lot of time!
The Pushback and the Payoff
Whatever changes you make moving forward, make sure that you’re prepared for the push back. With any change there will be some kind of response from the child as they might feel suddenly disempowered or insecure. Stick with it. This is where following the three Cs can be really beneficial.
Finally, acknowledging that it’s hard for them is important but also recognising that it’s hard for you too is equally important. Avoid the shame, it didn’t serve me and it won’t serve you. Your child can be challenging but whose child isn’t? If this resonates or you are keen to understand more, I help mums and dads find calmer, more confident ways to parent their ADHD children through coaching.
Click the link and book our chat!
At first it was fine, at least for the first six weeks, then slowly, I started to feel the other mums were talking about me. Some stopped smiling and saying hello and at pick up, I could see other children pointing at my son and mothers holding clandestine conversations with other mums.
It was a fact: we were the new family in the village and yes, we were the owners of the ‘naughtiest’ boy in the school.
School Struggles
At home, behaviour hadn’t been that big of a problem but at school it was a different story.
In short, it was a slog getting my son through school. Phone calls, meetings, threats, report cards, detentions, behaviour points, the list goes on.
Here’s where I went wrong with punishment:
1. I attempted to double punish my son. What was given out at school, I would back up at home. Sometimes, I would even contact school and tell them what I’d done.
2. I would fight fire with fire. He would come home knowing that there would be more repercussions and would be ready for an argument which quickly escalated.
3.I would always assume that it was wilful instead of neurobiological!
The Shame and the Shift
Perhaps you’re reading this and recognising some of your story in mine which is why this blog is going to centre around something that troubles most parents daily - punishment. I used to feel that punishment was key, that it was my duty as a parent to support school and punish at home as best as I could to show solidarity and responsible parenting.
Now, when I look back, I realise that a lot of my actions were down to shame and embarrassment. Ashamed because of the judgement, embarrassed because of the flooded bathrooms among other incidents!
Except now when I think about it, a lot of my son’s impulsivity and inattention was down to his ADHD and a lot of my shame and fear of judgment was down to my ADHD.
What a mix!
So, now when I am asked by parents about how to improve behaviour and manage phone calls from school, I have a completely different set of answers compared to answers I would have given ten years ago.
Re-thinking Punishment
The truth is research and experts will tell you that punishing a child with ADHD is very different to that of a neurotypical child. Many experts will say that punishment in itself is pretty futile and ill advised, and I would agree that praise and reward in any setting - home or school - is far far more effective than just punishment alone. With greater understanding of ADHD, it is possible to introduce a combination of consequences and rewards to get the very best results.
The Three Cs: Consequences, Calm Communication, and Consistency
Consequences
Some children with ADHD are very reward-driven, others are more sensitive to criticism or punishment. Often it’s a combination of both.
As effective as rewards are, sometimes as parents we ‘dangle a carrot’ in order to motivate our children. However, a child with ADHD is quite often time blind so that a reward for the end of the week can feel too far away and it quickly loses its appeal.
Similarly, taking a reward away for a separate misdemeanour when a child has been working towards something can feel devastating and will do more damage than good. Making rewards timely, inexpensive and frequent works better than a big reward at the end of the week.
Natural consequences
Often letting your child struggle with natural consequences can be more effective than punishments alone. For example, forgetting a PE kit means no PE. Sounds harsh but these can have a positive impact in the long run.
Praise when least expected
Praise delivered in a specific way can completely transform a mood and encourage better behaviour. For example, ‘You got ready on time’ or ‘that’s good planning’. We all like praise but we really like it when someone notices the small efforts and recognises us for it.
Calm Communication
If your child is sensitive to criticism and often responds angrily or emotionally, then timing and delivery is key.
If they seem to be defensive and angry, leave it. If you begin the conversation sounding frustrated and with a raised voice, forget it, you will not get anywhere. Instead, choose your moment, even if it’s a few days later.
Model your regulation, talk about it: ‘I was angry yesterday so I didn’t speak to you about it. I’ve calmed down now and given myself some time to think…’ Model the fact that it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated but it is possible to manage those feelings and arrive at a better place. We have all been there when our child is refusing to accept responsibility. It’s not that they really reject their behaviour, it just hurts more than most to accept it.
My other top tip is to choose a neutral location for your chats. A car or a walk works really well. There’s early evidence in studies to suggest that side by side therapy can boost comfort, open up the possibility of disclosure and improve engagement.
Consistency
When flexibility and compromise is used regularly to support your ADHD child, knowing your boundaries as a parent is essential. Being consistent with certain boundaries protects you from resenting your child and makes it very clear that certain rules are set in stone. For me it was abusive language and violence of any kind. Not to say this never happened, but in my mind, they were the actions that needed to be taken seriously because what seems bad in a 12 year old is a whole different ball game when they’re 16 and 6ft 2.
Having two parents who are on the same page as each other also leads to better consistency and a united front. When consequences or praise are predictable, then the child is more likely to work towards that praise or avoid the action that they know will inevitably come. Besides, unpredictability can often be a welcome dopamine hit so removing that as a possibility saves everyone a lot of time!
The Pushback and the Payoff
Whatever changes you make moving forward, make sure that you’re prepared for the push back. With any change there will be some kind of response from the child as they might feel suddenly disempowered or insecure. Stick with it. This is where following the three Cs can be really beneficial.
Finally, acknowledging that it’s hard for them is important but also recognising that it’s hard for you too is equally important. Avoid the shame, it didn’t serve me and it won’t serve you. Your child can be challenging but whose child isn’t? If this resonates or you are keen to understand more, I help mums and dads find calmer, more confident ways to parent their ADHD children through coaching.
Click the link and book our chat!
- Published on
In this privileged position as a coach and mentor, I have supported many young people as they talk about their coping strategies in an effort to manage their ADHD or AuDHD. Sometimes these are brilliant! Some call them "workarounds," and demonstrate smart thinking and self-awareness. Other clients discuss less than ideal coping strategies, which often centre around motivation. It makes sense that motivation is a key issue, especially in the world of education. Maintaining focus, completing homework, managing deadlines and coursework, education is awash with demands on executive functions and motivation is right at the top of the list.
But, as many of us know, motivation can be a key barrier for those of us with ADHD, myself included. Often, just thinking about what needs to be done can lead to task paralysis and a list of distractions capable of derailing and preventing you from completing that essential or overdue task. So how do young people with ADHD manage this?
The short answer is that they find their own ways of coping and motivating themselves. These strategies or ways of thinking are not always helpful in the long term, nor are they healthy. The term for these is "maladaptive coping strategies," and they often form the basis for what contributes to feeling stuck, stressed, or anxious. During coaching sessions, these are often discussed, and some of them might just surprise you.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is not about achieving perfection; it is about constantly striving for it. I used to think it was about being perfect, but it is more about having an ideal in your head that you would do anything to achieve.
Forgoing sleep, not eating, going above and beyond, being unresponsive to praise because it does not match what is in your head, all of these take their toll and can lead to burnout. So how does it work as a motivator? Just picturing the ideal outcome, imagining the response of those around you, feeling that warm spread of pride and achievement, it can be intoxicating and a very effective motivator. Unfortunately, I often see this cycle of perfectionism play out:
- All or nothing
- Insatiable drive
- Burnout
- Overwhelm
- Try again
Negative Self Talk
One client I had motivated himself to go to the gym or do anything he was reluctant to do by insulting himself, often copying the language used by his playground bullies in Year 7.
This was hard to listen to and centred around feeling less than and lazy. Many clients come to me with the firm belief that they are lazy. Often, they have coped very well throughout school, but without the typical structure of bells and full timetables, they struggle to manage time and independently motivate themselves. They blame themselves for this struggle, and it can be a challenging self belief to change.
Coping strategies that have worked in the past but no longer continue to work can also shake the foundations of a young person’s self belief. They blame themselves for the failure and draw negative conclusions about their ability, their character, and their progress.
Stress Response
As strange as it sounds, stress can be an exceptional motivator. If you are ADHD and have plenty of time to do something, it is almost certain you will leave it to the last minute. Why? Because time pressure causes a stress response, which releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter linked to focus, drive, and reward.
For the ADHD brain, which naturally has lower baseline dopamine activity, that sudden surge can finally create the mental clarity and urgency needed to act. It is why many people with ADHD say they work best under pressure. Unfortunately, this can lead to an over reliance on crisis driven motivation, resulting in cycles of burnout, anxiety, or last minute chaos.
Several of my clients even create a stressful environment on purpose - listening to dramatic classical music or episodes of 'Hell's Kitchen'. That little rise in stress increases dopamine and focus. However, as we know, long term exposure to stress can have a debilitating impact on health and potentially contribute to burnout.
When I am asked why I choose to specialise in working with teenagers, I often think about the maladaptive ways of coping some of them have developed. Helping them improve how they see themselves by reframing their experiences and beliefs can make a huge difference.
So, what can we do as parents / caregivers?
Firstly, understanding their behaviour and beliefs can go a long way toward reducing our own feelings of guilt or frustration. We often feel responsible for their struggles, blaming ourselves or social media, but I would argue that simply knowing why they behave as they do takes the emotion out of it and frees us to become a better source of support.
Secondly, actively listening without interrupting or adding to their feelings of low self worth can be powerful. This might include repeating back phrases they use in conversation or allowing quiet pauses so they can process their feelings.
Finally, ensuring that the basics are in place, exercise, sleep, and food, has a tangible impact on wellbeing. Turning off Wi-Fi, removing electronic devices at night, preparing easy, healthy snacks, and encouraging movement all help fuel them to face challenges and build resilience. Even when they are 17 and 6ft tall, they still benefit from a little structure.
A Note to End On
Helping young people recognise the difference between helpful coping and harmful coping does not just build resilience, it rebuilds self belief. Through coaching, they’re placed firmly in the driver’s seat, supported as they explore healthier, more sustainable ways to cope. It’s a process that helps them see they’re not to blame and that there are far kinder, more effective alternatives.
For more information about these topics, see the links below: For more information on my coaching and academic mentoring services visit my website.
Or
Click here to book a no obligation chat.
Links to Research
Taylor, A. et al. (2024). Associations of meeting 24‑H movement behaviour guidelines with cognition and social outcomes in ADHD. *Journal of Attention Disorders.
Perfectionism
- Published on
I was unfortunate last week to experience some pretty intense feelings around some criticism To be clear, I’ve NEVER been very good at taking criticism and, unfortunately, in my previous career, criticism, gently packaged as ‘feedback,’ was abundant and therefore, I was always either running scared or trying to make something ‘perfect’ to escape negativity.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
- Recognising the pain and acknowledging just how hard it is to overcome is an amazing first step towards healing. Actively listening to the young person without judgement can be extremely powerful.
- Being kind and sensitive with words can save endless confrontations and pacify meltdowns.
- And finally, settling emotional dysregulation requires patience and curiosity because in the throes of an emotional response all logic goes out of the window. In short, curiosity and compassion are the greatest of antidotes.
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
- Published on
Hello! Welcome to my blog. To those of you who read this every fortnight, a special wave, and to those of you who are fresh to this, perhaps from last week’s webinar, welcome. Each fortnight I explore a topic I feel most compelled to write about - basically, if my heart isn’t in it, I wouldn’t write about it. The ADHDers in the room are probably nodding along with this as motivation for many with ADHD comes out of something that is ‘heart-led’ or from a deep interest. Without that little dopamine spark, then nothing would get done (at a decent pace) anyway.
So, this week’s blog is about motivation. For individuals, this can be a source of aggravation, frustration, even pain. In fact, when coaching, motivation is most definitely in the top three of subjects that come up as significant blocks that make a person feel ‘stuck’. Let me give you some examples:
Maladaptive simply means an unhelpful or negative way of coping with ADHD and I have heard many over the years. One that really does come up time and time again, is negative self-talk. This is a form of internal bullying designed to make the individual feel so low that they are compelled to change. Sounds counter-productive doesn’t it?
To give you an example, it might revolve around insults that they have heard from others that have really stung or it might be a term they hear often that describes them. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline kick in, and for some people this actually sparks a burst of energy or focus. In that moment, they might flip the insult on its head and push themselves to prove the opposite: “I’ll show you I’m not lazy!”
This reaction to criticism can result in a defiance-driven coping strategy that works in the first instance, but of course, over time this can be damaging to the individual’s feelings of self-worth and self-perception which is why research shows that children and teens with ADHD often struggle more with self-esteem than their peers. This can affect lots of areas of life - from how they feel about themselves at school, in friendships, and in their family, to their confidence in their own body image. In one study, almost half of young people with ADHD scored in the ‘very low’ range for self-esteem, compared with less than 1 in 10 of those without ADHD.
One maladaptive coping strategy that really intrigues me, and that I have heard several times now, is the use of background television or music. This, in itself, is not unusual for someone with ADHD, it can be a source of comfort and stimulation to have something on in the background. However, the more maladaptive choice is to have something playing in the background that creates a stress response. Examples include re-runs of ‘Hell’s Kitchen’, ‘The Hunger Games’ and even the composer Mahler’s opening movement of his Symphony No. 5! Just having something like this sparks the stress and the motivation. I know this only too well as stress used to act as fuel for me, but there are alternatives.
The gentler, more sustainable approaches that don’t rely on cortisol or adrenaline to motivate often centre on balance, positivity and breaking things down into smaller parts. But here’s the challenge: when years have been spent running on stress, it’s not always easy to know what to do differently, or how to make those new patterns stick.
That’s where coaching can help. Coaching creates:
A calm space to untangle old patterns and see what’s really going on.
Support to experiment with new strategies that feel doable.
Encouragement and perspective, reminding you that your worth isn’t tied to stress or last-minute achievements.
If any of this resonates, I’d love to hear from you, even if it’s just to say ‘Yes, I identify!’
I’m also happy to answer any questions or, of course, to have a free chat.
Follow me on LinkedIn for more insights.
So, this week’s blog is about motivation. For individuals, this can be a source of aggravation, frustration, even pain. In fact, when coaching, motivation is most definitely in the top three of subjects that come up as significant blocks that make a person feel ‘stuck’. Let me give you some examples:
- Getting off the phone and being ‘productive’
- Getting to sleep at a reasonable time.
- Getting up
- Eating well
- Studying
- Exercising
- Chores
Maladaptive simply means an unhelpful or negative way of coping with ADHD and I have heard many over the years. One that really does come up time and time again, is negative self-talk. This is a form of internal bullying designed to make the individual feel so low that they are compelled to change. Sounds counter-productive doesn’t it?
To give you an example, it might revolve around insults that they have heard from others that have really stung or it might be a term they hear often that describes them. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline kick in, and for some people this actually sparks a burst of energy or focus. In that moment, they might flip the insult on its head and push themselves to prove the opposite: “I’ll show you I’m not lazy!”
This reaction to criticism can result in a defiance-driven coping strategy that works in the first instance, but of course, over time this can be damaging to the individual’s feelings of self-worth and self-perception which is why research shows that children and teens with ADHD often struggle more with self-esteem than their peers. This can affect lots of areas of life - from how they feel about themselves at school, in friendships, and in their family, to their confidence in their own body image. In one study, almost half of young people with ADHD scored in the ‘very low’ range for self-esteem, compared with less than 1 in 10 of those without ADHD.
One maladaptive coping strategy that really intrigues me, and that I have heard several times now, is the use of background television or music. This, in itself, is not unusual for someone with ADHD, it can be a source of comfort and stimulation to have something on in the background. However, the more maladaptive choice is to have something playing in the background that creates a stress response. Examples include re-runs of ‘Hell’s Kitchen’, ‘The Hunger Games’ and even the composer Mahler’s opening movement of his Symphony No. 5! Just having something like this sparks the stress and the motivation. I know this only too well as stress used to act as fuel for me, but there are alternatives.
The gentler, more sustainable approaches that don’t rely on cortisol or adrenaline to motivate often centre on balance, positivity and breaking things down into smaller parts. But here’s the challenge: when years have been spent running on stress, it’s not always easy to know what to do differently, or how to make those new patterns stick.
That’s where coaching can help. Coaching creates:
A calm space to untangle old patterns and see what’s really going on.
Support to experiment with new strategies that feel doable.
Encouragement and perspective, reminding you that your worth isn’t tied to stress or last-minute achievements.
If any of this resonates, I’d love to hear from you, even if it’s just to say ‘Yes, I identify!’
I’m also happy to answer any questions or, of course, to have a free chat.
Follow me on LinkedIn for more insights.
- Published on
When is it the right time to hire an ADHD Coach?
I meet many parents who are searching for support for both themselves and their child. Often, they come to information about ADHD coaches and wonder whether coaching could work. Will it be expensive and will that expense truly bring about lasting change? These are valid questions, especially in times of economic hardship.
This blog is not about convincing anyone that coaching is worth it. Obviously I am going to say that because I’m a coach, I myself have two coaches and I’ve seen incredible result. However, it is important to know when it’s the right time for coaching. Unlike counselling or other talking therapies, coaching supports someone to understand the obstacles, to empower them and to take action. It takes a certain level of curiosity from the client and a desire for change. This is when coaching can be really powerful and help to bring about a different future
However, there have been clients who have just not been in the right place for coaching and, ethically, good coaches will cease sessions or redirect them to a different type of support. This is not uncommon and as coaches we are ethically duty bound to ensure that we remain in service to the client.
So when is it the RIGHT time to hire a coach?
Willingness: for teens and young people this is important. There’s little point dragging a reluctant teen to coaching if they’d rather be left alone! So, knowing how the sessions might benefit them is vital. Many I have coached are unsure at first but after the first initial meeting are happy to return and excited at the prospect of finally changing something that has made them feel stuck for a long time. Parents wanting coaching tend to be less reluctant and almost always embrace the support they’ve been searching for for a long time.
Self-aware: a client doesn’t need to know who they are inside and out, rather they should be curious about how they act and how they think and wonder about why they respond to things in the way they do. This isn’t essential at the beginning but often comes halfway through the sessions and is often the best part of the process.
Pro-active: It’s always helpful when the client is open to change and happy to follow any action steps that they have thought of. Again, coaching is not a dictatorship, some think that an ADHD coach will reveal all and think of the solutions for them. This is far from the case, instead the client is joined in thinking and supported as they themselves arrive at their own conclusions or action steps. Quite honestly, this is why I work with young people and their parents. When a young person steps into education, they are often told what to do at all times. Coaching with an adult who respects their autonomy and encourages their independence quite literally blows their mind, and in feeling heard they grow so much.
So even if you think that your teen possibly fits the bill, how can you be sure coaching is worth the investment? Well for the first three sessions, I charge nothing. The initial meeting with parents, followed by a meeting with the young person, ending with a planning and strategy meeting to establish the client’s goals - all free. I do this because it has to be the right fit and we can only establish this once these chats have taken place. Not all coaches do this but it sits well with my ethos.
If any of this resonates with you or if you think you might know someone who would benefit from the kind of support I offer, then book a free 30 minutes with me and let’s talk about how I could help: https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
OR join my next exciting masterclass aimed at supporting parents and their ADHD teens:
After great reviews, we are back on Tuesday 2nd September 19:30. For a second virtual ADHD Masterclass to support your children and teens through change. Puberty and secondary school bring huge shifts for any child, but for those with ADHD, these changes can feel like a perfect storm of hormones, emotions, and executive function challenges.
This webinar will unpack what’s going on beneath the surface, from neurology and dopamine changes to the way self perception, friendships, and comparison can impact their confidence. Sign up here: Sign-up Link
Remember, you can also access my popular ‘Back to School’ transition kit for just 99p, for a short time only: https://www.the-adhd-teacher.co.uk/store/p7/ADHD_transition_toolkit.html
Have a great week!
Louise
I meet many parents who are searching for support for both themselves and their child. Often, they come to information about ADHD coaches and wonder whether coaching could work. Will it be expensive and will that expense truly bring about lasting change? These are valid questions, especially in times of economic hardship.
This blog is not about convincing anyone that coaching is worth it. Obviously I am going to say that because I’m a coach, I myself have two coaches and I’ve seen incredible result. However, it is important to know when it’s the right time for coaching. Unlike counselling or other talking therapies, coaching supports someone to understand the obstacles, to empower them and to take action. It takes a certain level of curiosity from the client and a desire for change. This is when coaching can be really powerful and help to bring about a different future
However, there have been clients who have just not been in the right place for coaching and, ethically, good coaches will cease sessions or redirect them to a different type of support. This is not uncommon and as coaches we are ethically duty bound to ensure that we remain in service to the client.
So when is it the RIGHT time to hire a coach?
Willingness: for teens and young people this is important. There’s little point dragging a reluctant teen to coaching if they’d rather be left alone! So, knowing how the sessions might benefit them is vital. Many I have coached are unsure at first but after the first initial meeting are happy to return and excited at the prospect of finally changing something that has made them feel stuck for a long time. Parents wanting coaching tend to be less reluctant and almost always embrace the support they’ve been searching for for a long time.
Self-aware: a client doesn’t need to know who they are inside and out, rather they should be curious about how they act and how they think and wonder about why they respond to things in the way they do. This isn’t essential at the beginning but often comes halfway through the sessions and is often the best part of the process.
Pro-active: It’s always helpful when the client is open to change and happy to follow any action steps that they have thought of. Again, coaching is not a dictatorship, some think that an ADHD coach will reveal all and think of the solutions for them. This is far from the case, instead the client is joined in thinking and supported as they themselves arrive at their own conclusions or action steps. Quite honestly, this is why I work with young people and their parents. When a young person steps into education, they are often told what to do at all times. Coaching with an adult who respects their autonomy and encourages their independence quite literally blows their mind, and in feeling heard they grow so much.
So even if you think that your teen possibly fits the bill, how can you be sure coaching is worth the investment? Well for the first three sessions, I charge nothing. The initial meeting with parents, followed by a meeting with the young person, ending with a planning and strategy meeting to establish the client’s goals - all free. I do this because it has to be the right fit and we can only establish this once these chats have taken place. Not all coaches do this but it sits well with my ethos.
If any of this resonates with you or if you think you might know someone who would benefit from the kind of support I offer, then book a free 30 minutes with me and let’s talk about how I could help: https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
OR join my next exciting masterclass aimed at supporting parents and their ADHD teens:
After great reviews, we are back on Tuesday 2nd September 19:30. For a second virtual ADHD Masterclass to support your children and teens through change. Puberty and secondary school bring huge shifts for any child, but for those with ADHD, these changes can feel like a perfect storm of hormones, emotions, and executive function challenges.
This webinar will unpack what’s going on beneath the surface, from neurology and dopamine changes to the way self perception, friendships, and comparison can impact their confidence. Sign up here: Sign-up Link
Remember, you can also access my popular ‘Back to School’ transition kit for just 99p, for a short time only: https://www.the-adhd-teacher.co.uk/store/p7/ADHD_transition_toolkit.html
Have a great week!
Louise
- Published on
I recently signed a petition to make neurodiversity training mandatory for all education staff which gained over 25,000 signatures. The government response was to highlight the fact that SEND training is already mandatory in initial teacher training.
To say initial teacher training is brutal at times would be an understatement. There’s very little time to settle in before you’re thrown in at the deep end. One minute you’ve signed up for a PGCE, the next you’re standing in front of a truculent class of mardy 14 year olds teaching Shakespeare. The stress, the pace, and the level of expectations are dizzying. Then, within a few short months, from September to June, you’re out, qualified, and busy hunting for a full time teaching position.
This is why continued training once teachers are in schools is so important, and why the culture around CPD needs to be right. Once you’re in the job - the marking, planning, parents’ evenings, reports, detentions, and meetings all take their toll. According to the petition, only 14% of secondary school teachers have received minimal training in neurodiversity and those that have received it may be receiving a mixed diet with patchy results. So how can schools and colleges ensure training is truly high quality?
To answer that, we need to look at what training is already in place. It varies from school to school and depends on how valued training is by senior leadership and the workforce, the budget available, and the time set aside. Research shows that high quality CPD can improve teacher effectiveness by up to 21%, leading to better student outcomes. Regular, sustained CPD that goes beyond one off sessions is linked to lasting improvements in teaching practice and school culture. The timing and delivery of training, however, make a huge difference.
For example, if CPD is scheduled last thing on a Thursday towards the end of term, I can guarantee no one really wants to be there and everyone is clock watching. Similarly, if training is crammed into the first two days before a busy term starts, staff will be more concerned about their enormous to do lists than learning about neurodiversity.
Similarly, it’s not just about when training is delivered; it’s about how.
Forty minutes of information followed by a rushed 15 minutes on strategies won’t create unified action. Instead, we need a steady drip feed of knowledge, followed by a session focused on practical strategies, and finally a forum where staff report back and discuss the results of their implementation.
This might sound ambitious, but it is what’s needed for continuity, accountability, and a permanent cultural shift. We expect high standards from our teachers and students alike, delivering the curriculum to build skills and knowledge gradually for deep, long term learning. Yet for staff, we expect them to listen to an hour of training and then miraculously change their classroom management and adapt resources immediately and without reflection.
So, should training on neurodiversity be compulsory? The answer is yes, but the bigger question might be whether we need a unified, carefully delivered programme of training across education.This can ensure consistency and the right kind of support will lead to embedded understanding. It is hopeful that further research into the effectiveness of training around SEND is being carried out (due to be published in 2026) but as numbers of EHCPs rise and more and more become educated at home, can we really afford to wait this long?
What currently takes place in your school? What’s the starting point? Understanding current practice shapes future practice and helps ensure training is welcomed and effective.
I offer training on ADHD and neurodiversity grounded in lived experience, leadership of CPD in schools, a master’s degree in psychology, and certification as an ADHD coach. Whether you’re a teacher, school leader, parent, or governor interested in bringing meaningful, practical neurodiversity training to your school or community, let’s talk. You can book a free 30-minute chat with me here: https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
To say initial teacher training is brutal at times would be an understatement. There’s very little time to settle in before you’re thrown in at the deep end. One minute you’ve signed up for a PGCE, the next you’re standing in front of a truculent class of mardy 14 year olds teaching Shakespeare. The stress, the pace, and the level of expectations are dizzying. Then, within a few short months, from September to June, you’re out, qualified, and busy hunting for a full time teaching position.
This is why continued training once teachers are in schools is so important, and why the culture around CPD needs to be right. Once you’re in the job - the marking, planning, parents’ evenings, reports, detentions, and meetings all take their toll. According to the petition, only 14% of secondary school teachers have received minimal training in neurodiversity and those that have received it may be receiving a mixed diet with patchy results. So how can schools and colleges ensure training is truly high quality?
To answer that, we need to look at what training is already in place. It varies from school to school and depends on how valued training is by senior leadership and the workforce, the budget available, and the time set aside. Research shows that high quality CPD can improve teacher effectiveness by up to 21%, leading to better student outcomes. Regular, sustained CPD that goes beyond one off sessions is linked to lasting improvements in teaching practice and school culture. The timing and delivery of training, however, make a huge difference.
For example, if CPD is scheduled last thing on a Thursday towards the end of term, I can guarantee no one really wants to be there and everyone is clock watching. Similarly, if training is crammed into the first two days before a busy term starts, staff will be more concerned about their enormous to do lists than learning about neurodiversity.
Similarly, it’s not just about when training is delivered; it’s about how.
Forty minutes of information followed by a rushed 15 minutes on strategies won’t create unified action. Instead, we need a steady drip feed of knowledge, followed by a session focused on practical strategies, and finally a forum where staff report back and discuss the results of their implementation.
This might sound ambitious, but it is what’s needed for continuity, accountability, and a permanent cultural shift. We expect high standards from our teachers and students alike, delivering the curriculum to build skills and knowledge gradually for deep, long term learning. Yet for staff, we expect them to listen to an hour of training and then miraculously change their classroom management and adapt resources immediately and without reflection.
So, should training on neurodiversity be compulsory? The answer is yes, but the bigger question might be whether we need a unified, carefully delivered programme of training across education.This can ensure consistency and the right kind of support will lead to embedded understanding. It is hopeful that further research into the effectiveness of training around SEND is being carried out (due to be published in 2026) but as numbers of EHCPs rise and more and more become educated at home, can we really afford to wait this long?
What currently takes place in your school? What’s the starting point? Understanding current practice shapes future practice and helps ensure training is welcomed and effective.
I offer training on ADHD and neurodiversity grounded in lived experience, leadership of CPD in schools, a master’s degree in psychology, and certification as an ADHD coach. Whether you’re a teacher, school leader, parent, or governor interested in bringing meaningful, practical neurodiversity training to your school or community, let’s talk. You can book a free 30-minute chat with me here: https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
- Published on
Beyond the Stereotype: Why ADHD in Girls Remains Misunderstood
The world of scientific research still has a long way to go before understanding of the female presentation of ADHD matches that of males. When I first started teaching in 1997, ADHD was splashed across the newspapers, often framed as a myth. The dominant narrative suggested that ADHD didn’t exist at all, it was simply an excuse for poor parenting, a bad diet, or bratty behaviour. The idea that girls might struggle with it too wasn’t even considered. Instead, it quickly became associated with ‘naughty’ boys, while girls remained out of the equation.
Little did I know 30 years later that I would be sitting here with three diagnoses in the family: my son, my daughter and me! Would life have been very different if I’d been aware of what to look out for, if I’d recognised traits in myself and stopped blaming myself for all of the underachievement, mistakes with time, money and relationships?
When I began researching ADHD symptoms in females as part of my master’s degree in psychology, I was shocked to discover that the issue wasn’t a lack of belief that girls could have ADHD. In fact, nearly every study I reviewed included strong recommendations highlighting the need for more research into how ADHD presents in girls. The problem wasn’t the evidence; it was the lack of funding and interest from within the medical and psychiatric communities to take this further.
Now, twenty-five years later, many of those girls who struggled silently in school are lining up, desperate to confirm what they’ve long suspected, that they have ADHD, not just depression, anxiety, IBS, or other misdiagnosed conditions. This time, however, the headlines tell a different, equally harmful story: ‘Everyone has ADHD these days.’ At the same time, the medical system shifts the goalposts, making it harder for people with private diagnoses to access medication through their GP. I don’t need to explain how infuriating that is. It’s simply unfair.
I’ve written about this issue many times, particularly the focus on waiting times and the rising numbers of people searching for answers. Until the government begins to collect and analyse data that includes gender breakdowns, society will continue to dismiss this reality and blame social media for the surge in diagnoses. Again, it’s unfair.
While research into female ADHD continues to lag behind, there are many areas that urgently need attention. Hormones, particularly oestrogen, can significantly influence ADHD symptoms during puberty and perimenopause. How do I know? Because I’m one of those women currently playing what feels like Russian roulette with HRT and ADHD symptoms. I’ve also coached many girls who sailed through their GCSEs, in part due to the temporary boost in dopamine receptor sensitivity that can improve executive functioning and motivation. But when that levels off, the impact can be significant.
I continue every day to advocate for girls in schools who have undiagnosed or diagnosed ADHD. The main reason being that awareness, training and research are still playing catch up, and we are in real danger of letting a whole new generation fall through the cracks and miss out on the support they deserve.
While menopausal women fight to be heard, many teenage girls are being overlooked completely, misunderstood, mislabelled, and misdiagnosed. Their struggles are often internal, masked, and quietly damaging. We must not wait another twenty five years to act.
That’s why I focused my study on the experiences of undiagnosed girls in secondary schools. If you're a parent, teacher, SENDCo, or professional working in this space, head over to my website shop and download a copy. I’d love to hear from you if you can relate or if you want to share your insights into how we identify and support these girls.
👉 Find out more here: https://www.the-adhd-teacher.co.uk/library.html
The world of scientific research still has a long way to go before understanding of the female presentation of ADHD matches that of males. When I first started teaching in 1997, ADHD was splashed across the newspapers, often framed as a myth. The dominant narrative suggested that ADHD didn’t exist at all, it was simply an excuse for poor parenting, a bad diet, or bratty behaviour. The idea that girls might struggle with it too wasn’t even considered. Instead, it quickly became associated with ‘naughty’ boys, while girls remained out of the equation.
Little did I know 30 years later that I would be sitting here with three diagnoses in the family: my son, my daughter and me! Would life have been very different if I’d been aware of what to look out for, if I’d recognised traits in myself and stopped blaming myself for all of the underachievement, mistakes with time, money and relationships?
When I began researching ADHD symptoms in females as part of my master’s degree in psychology, I was shocked to discover that the issue wasn’t a lack of belief that girls could have ADHD. In fact, nearly every study I reviewed included strong recommendations highlighting the need for more research into how ADHD presents in girls. The problem wasn’t the evidence; it was the lack of funding and interest from within the medical and psychiatric communities to take this further.
Now, twenty-five years later, many of those girls who struggled silently in school are lining up, desperate to confirm what they’ve long suspected, that they have ADHD, not just depression, anxiety, IBS, or other misdiagnosed conditions. This time, however, the headlines tell a different, equally harmful story: ‘Everyone has ADHD these days.’ At the same time, the medical system shifts the goalposts, making it harder for people with private diagnoses to access medication through their GP. I don’t need to explain how infuriating that is. It’s simply unfair.
I’ve written about this issue many times, particularly the focus on waiting times and the rising numbers of people searching for answers. Until the government begins to collect and analyse data that includes gender breakdowns, society will continue to dismiss this reality and blame social media for the surge in diagnoses. Again, it’s unfair.
While research into female ADHD continues to lag behind, there are many areas that urgently need attention. Hormones, particularly oestrogen, can significantly influence ADHD symptoms during puberty and perimenopause. How do I know? Because I’m one of those women currently playing what feels like Russian roulette with HRT and ADHD symptoms. I’ve also coached many girls who sailed through their GCSEs, in part due to the temporary boost in dopamine receptor sensitivity that can improve executive functioning and motivation. But when that levels off, the impact can be significant.
I continue every day to advocate for girls in schools who have undiagnosed or diagnosed ADHD. The main reason being that awareness, training and research are still playing catch up, and we are in real danger of letting a whole new generation fall through the cracks and miss out on the support they deserve.
While menopausal women fight to be heard, many teenage girls are being overlooked completely, misunderstood, mislabelled, and misdiagnosed. Their struggles are often internal, masked, and quietly damaging. We must not wait another twenty five years to act.
That’s why I focused my study on the experiences of undiagnosed girls in secondary schools. If you're a parent, teacher, SENDCo, or professional working in this space, head over to my website shop and download a copy. I’d love to hear from you if you can relate or if you want to share your insights into how we identify and support these girls.
👉 Find out more here: https://www.the-adhd-teacher.co.uk/library.html