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Since becoming an ADHD coach I’ve learnt so much more about the student experience than I ever did as a teacher. This isn’t surprising if you take into account the pace of teaching and just how much is packed into a single day. However, stopping and listening has given me a different understanding.
In a 2025 Department for Education survey, almost 4 in 10 secondary school pupils did not report having an adult at school who often or always listened when they had something to say. This isn’t the fault of teachers of pastoral staff, it’s the reality of our schools when the demands on staff are high.
As part of my CPD training and coaching, I consider it to be a privilege and a responsibility to pass on what I learn every day so that schools have the chance to know what students don’t have the space to say and how just small adjustments can make a big impact.
It’s not all deliberate
Many clients who come to me are on report, on the brink of a managed move or are spending a lot of their time out of class or school. You might think it’s because of their inability to focus and sit still but the reality can be very different.
Take Will a Year 7 who has only been in secondary school for half a term. He reacts impulsively towards his peers and some of the older boys by fighting back, if he’s pushed in the corridor, he’ll push back twice as hard. Deep down, he’s scared that if he doesn’t stand up for himself they’ll pick on him even more.
He also struggles with transitions in secondary. One minute, he’s settling into a lesson and getting used to his surroundings. The next, he’s whisked off to another lesson and the process starts again. Each teacher has different routines and expectations. He loses focus. Plans change without warning, which unsettles him. His peers seem to be coping, but he is dysregulated and blaming himself.
When he puts his head on the desk it’s to quieten his overwhelm; when he starts talking straight after instructions, he doesn’t understand them or is covering up how much he just doesn’t ‘get it’. The only way he can hang onto any self-esteem is through his friends. They laugh when he hides the teacher’s projector remote and stand in awe as he gets into conflict with teachers. Soon, this may be the only validation he receives.
It won’t be long before school sanctions are put in place: detentions, reports, isolation. The negativity will feed into his rejection sensitivity and he’ll conclude that everybody ‘hates him’.
So for Will, what’s the future?
Possibly he will make it through Year 7, maybe even Year 8, but when the hormones hit, what then? All too often, by Year 10, some are on the fringe of school society. Attendance dips. There may have been a failed managed move, he’s been switched off from learning since Year 7 so now nothing makes sense. He just wants to finish school, get away from the teachers and start earning money.
How it could be different?
The transition from primary to secondary is one of the biggest leaps for a neurodivergent child. Instead of one teacher and a TA, they are confronted by multiple teachers, a range of different rooms, homework, PE kits, tech equipment, timetables. The challenges to the executive function system are huge!
First, we must work closely with primary schools to make sure information is passed on. What are current coping strategies? How does support work in primary? Can pre-visits be arranged for neurodivergent students with parents so that parents become familiar with the expected routine? Can there be more opportunities to visit secondary and learn about the site, the timings etc?
Secondly, it’s easy to get lost in a sea of pupils, in a year group of 150. An effective pastoral system and tutors need time. All too often in tutor periods, the agenda is pre-set with admin and PSHEE demands. Bonding with a tutor group needs prioritising. It’s not ‘dead’ time; it’s essential.
Students benefit from having a safe person they can approach if things aren’t going well or they're just a bit lost. More often schools focus on punitive measures when things go wrong, instead of making sure that the system is multilayered and there to catch pupils if they fall.
Ultimately, what I’m suggesting is a more person-centred approach. Yes, the pace is frenetic and the pressures are intense. But in my experience, no sanction has ever had the same impact as someone showing kindness, care and a willingness to understand where the behaviour is coming from.
I speak from experience, as a parent, a teacher and as an ADHD coach. When I train others, we always discuss relationships, the power of praise and building trust. The more cynical might suggest that we actually just need stricter systems. I would argue that we need both. We need consistently applied behaviour policies AND a multi-layered support system. These two things can exist together. Consistent boundaries combined with patience and understanding are the magic formula.
In truth, being neurodivergent in 2026 is a lottery. Some, like my son, are lucky enough to benefit from firm boundaries with an unbelievably emotionally intelligent head of year as a mentor. Others may not be so lucky, like Will, who could stop attending in Year 10 and come to believe he is the problem.
What might we understand differently if we gave students more space to tell us?
Find out about my coaching and staff training.
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I have come across many parents who are trying to do their very best to raise, steer and support their ADHD children. It isn’t easy and the list of things to worry about seem endless. A common worry seems to be about the future and how they will cope with the demands of life and adulthood. Other, more immediate worries centre around school, emotions, motivation and organisation. The response to these challenges vary and in this blog I want to devote some time to the different approaches I see, before discussing what works and what just seems to keep parents and carers in a frustrating cycle.
How easy is it to get into a cycle where you are asking your teen to keep their room tidy, be in on time etc and just find yourself banging your head against a brick wall? Bedrotting and gaming are the two of the most frustrating things to put up with and no matter what you do, it just always ends up in an argument.
I have spoken to many young clients whose parents tidy their room for them daily, who nag them into doing homework, pack their PE kit and are always one step ahead of them, always. I admire them for their management skills but it wasn’t something I could ever have done!
Other parents have more of a hands-off approach partly because perpetual nagging has just exhausted them and a begrudging truce is only slightly less annoying.
So what’s the answer? Does either one approach prepare them forlife? Happy, successful in what they pursue and independent? Is it possible to strike a balance between full-on management and a hands-off approach?
Management
First of all, let’s discuss the pros and cons of close management. Managing your children can sometimes feel like it was never a choice to begin with. If you don’t do it, who will? One big advantage of the ‘management’ style is knowing what’s coming next. No detentions because you nagged them into doing homework. No missed classes or matches because you made a note on the calendar way ahead of time and no lost uniform because you cleaned and tidied their bedroom and they know exactly where everything is. Sounds ideal, until school starts to comment on a lack of independence or motivating your teen into doing anything autonomous becomes the battle of the century.
Hands-off Approach
Then, there’s the hands-off approach. Again, not necessarily something that any parent chooses but the alternative just seems to lead to arguments, swearing and even violence. Pros are that the tension in the household lifts. Yes, you have to put up with nocturnal wanderings, gaming in the middle of the night and perpetual phone calls from school but at least there are no threats, yelling or fear. These situations can happen gradually and creep up on a family. More often than not it’s not a conscious choice to be this way, it’s the strain of ADHD and judgement of these situations helps no-one.
Clearly there are no straight answers here but let me introduce you to two concepts I swear by:
Natural Consequences
Not to be confused with consequences. Consequences can be punishments enforced by the parent or carer. Natural consequences are what happen when the teen in question doesn’t prepare for what’s coming even though they’ve had the opportunity to. Many of us support our ADHD teens and their executive functions, this is good. Waiting for some to come ‘online’ is normal. However, if someone is doing it for them all of the time there’s no reason for them to even try. At some point, they have to do life for themselves.
Natural consequences happen when they forget to pack their kit, forget to tell you about a trip or leave it too late to buy what they need for food tech. They happen when the room is so untidy that they can’t find their phone or it’s so dirty they can’t invite friends over. None of these examples result in anything more serious than disappointment but what it teaches them is that if they don’t do it no-one will. The feeling of frustration at not being able to take part is more of a lesson and a reminder than anything you can say.
Sometimes it can be hard - like watching a car crash in slow motion but it’s necessary because how else can they begin to start thinking about what to avoid next time?
Clear Boundaries
This might seem simple but when you’re living in a warzone, fearful of the next eruption having crystal clear boundaries can help. Although we’d all like to live under the same roof as a teenager without angst it’s not possible. There will be negotiations, pushing of boundaries, sometimes full on psychological warfare! What’s important is that you select your non-negotiable boundaries and you stick to them, no matter what.
The impulsive ADHD teen loves nothing more than to figure out a way to win. The important thing for you to consider is what are you willing to let go and what do you stand firm on? Whatever you decide you have to stick to it. Any wavering, any division between parents will split it all open and you’ll be left powerless. I put up with a nocturnal teen for years but when it began to get violent I knew that was a non-negotiable. I got support from wider family, I dug my heels in, I wouldn’t let my child ‘win’ every round. The main message here is if you need more support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Neither approach is a cure-all. At times, you will find yourself frustrated either way. However, if the ultimate goal is for our children to be happy, successful in whatever they pursue and able to live independently, striking a balance and consistency is key.
At the end of the day, we all want them to thrive, but the doubt we place on their ability to do so directly affects how we respond to them now. Too much control can prevent them from developing confidence in their own abilities, while stepping back entirely may leave them without the support they still need. The difficult bit is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Independence develops gradually, by giving our children enough support to feel secure and enough space to discover what they can do for themselves.
For more information on how coaching can work for you and your teen, drop me a message and let's chat.
How easy is it to get into a cycle where you are asking your teen to keep their room tidy, be in on time etc and just find yourself banging your head against a brick wall? Bedrotting and gaming are the two of the most frustrating things to put up with and no matter what you do, it just always ends up in an argument.
I have spoken to many young clients whose parents tidy their room for them daily, who nag them into doing homework, pack their PE kit and are always one step ahead of them, always. I admire them for their management skills but it wasn’t something I could ever have done!
Other parents have more of a hands-off approach partly because perpetual nagging has just exhausted them and a begrudging truce is only slightly less annoying.
So what’s the answer? Does either one approach prepare them forlife? Happy, successful in what they pursue and independent? Is it possible to strike a balance between full-on management and a hands-off approach?
Management
First of all, let’s discuss the pros and cons of close management. Managing your children can sometimes feel like it was never a choice to begin with. If you don’t do it, who will? One big advantage of the ‘management’ style is knowing what’s coming next. No detentions because you nagged them into doing homework. No missed classes or matches because you made a note on the calendar way ahead of time and no lost uniform because you cleaned and tidied their bedroom and they know exactly where everything is. Sounds ideal, until school starts to comment on a lack of independence or motivating your teen into doing anything autonomous becomes the battle of the century.
Hands-off Approach
Then, there’s the hands-off approach. Again, not necessarily something that any parent chooses but the alternative just seems to lead to arguments, swearing and even violence. Pros are that the tension in the household lifts. Yes, you have to put up with nocturnal wanderings, gaming in the middle of the night and perpetual phone calls from school but at least there are no threats, yelling or fear. These situations can happen gradually and creep up on a family. More often than not it’s not a conscious choice to be this way, it’s the strain of ADHD and judgement of these situations helps no-one.
Clearly there are no straight answers here but let me introduce you to two concepts I swear by:
Natural Consequences
Not to be confused with consequences. Consequences can be punishments enforced by the parent or carer. Natural consequences are what happen when the teen in question doesn’t prepare for what’s coming even though they’ve had the opportunity to. Many of us support our ADHD teens and their executive functions, this is good. Waiting for some to come ‘online’ is normal. However, if someone is doing it for them all of the time there’s no reason for them to even try. At some point, they have to do life for themselves.
Natural consequences happen when they forget to pack their kit, forget to tell you about a trip or leave it too late to buy what they need for food tech. They happen when the room is so untidy that they can’t find their phone or it’s so dirty they can’t invite friends over. None of these examples result in anything more serious than disappointment but what it teaches them is that if they don’t do it no-one will. The feeling of frustration at not being able to take part is more of a lesson and a reminder than anything you can say.
Sometimes it can be hard - like watching a car crash in slow motion but it’s necessary because how else can they begin to start thinking about what to avoid next time?
Clear Boundaries
This might seem simple but when you’re living in a warzone, fearful of the next eruption having crystal clear boundaries can help. Although we’d all like to live under the same roof as a teenager without angst it’s not possible. There will be negotiations, pushing of boundaries, sometimes full on psychological warfare! What’s important is that you select your non-negotiable boundaries and you stick to them, no matter what.
The impulsive ADHD teen loves nothing more than to figure out a way to win. The important thing for you to consider is what are you willing to let go and what do you stand firm on? Whatever you decide you have to stick to it. Any wavering, any division between parents will split it all open and you’ll be left powerless. I put up with a nocturnal teen for years but when it began to get violent I knew that was a non-negotiable. I got support from wider family, I dug my heels in, I wouldn’t let my child ‘win’ every round. The main message here is if you need more support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Neither approach is a cure-all. At times, you will find yourself frustrated either way. However, if the ultimate goal is for our children to be happy, successful in whatever they pursue and able to live independently, striking a balance and consistency is key.
At the end of the day, we all want them to thrive, but the doubt we place on their ability to do so directly affects how we respond to them now. Too much control can prevent them from developing confidence in their own abilities, while stepping back entirely may leave them without the support they still need. The difficult bit is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Independence develops gradually, by giving our children enough support to feel secure and enough space to discover what they can do for themselves.
For more information on how coaching can work for you and your teen, drop me a message and let's chat.
- Published on
As we enter into the six-week summer holidays, routines change, structures loosen and life gets that little bit easier. Not having to drag teens out of bed or force them to do homework can immediately bring about much needed peace. But what happens without structure?
I hear from many parents who talk about how gaming can completely take over any spare time that’s been created. Late mornings turn into early afternoons and, before we know it, we’re dealing with a nocturnal teenager who bears an uncanny resemblance to Edvard Munch’s ‘Scream’.
At first, as parents, we are tempted into thinking that they deserve the downtime and, as it happens, so do we! It’s not easy being the PA to a teen. Remembering their deadlines as well as our own; fielding calls from school; or trying desperately to get them to eat anything green. Getting them into bed / getting them out of bed. Being the sounding board / metaphorical punch bag as they seek out a dopamine rush from you or their siblings… No, it’s far from easy!
This is why, at first, the summer holidays feel like you can breathe out for the first time in months. So, how does it go when there is no real routine to think of and are there any benefits?
Well, firstly, my advice would be: don’t give up on the routine altogether. As much as structure, deadlines and doing things they don’t want to do put a strain on relationships, a lack of structure leaves plenty of space and thinking time that the idle ADHD brain rushes to fill. Even with scrolling, gaming, Snapchat, YouTube and WhatsApp, boredom can still start to take over and bring about snappiness and low mood.
One study found that young adults with ADHD traits were much more prone to boredom than their peers, with difficulties controlling attention and using working memory appearing to partly explain why.
Without the routine and external structure of school, the loss of social contact, purposeful activity and regular sleep patterns can leave them vulnerable to boredom, under-stimulation and low mood. That doesn’t mean spare time itself causes depression. The relationship can work both ways: low mood can make it harder to start or enjoy activities, leading to more time spent doing very little and feeling increasingly stuck. It can become a difficult cycle rather than a simple case of boredom causing depression.
So, what can we do as parents?
Well, in many ways, parenting a teenager or young person with ADHD means being firm about certain boundaries. Because moods can be unpredictable, it can be really challenging to put boundaries in place and stick to them. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight, but at other times it’s absolutely necessary to hold your ground and put some structure in place. It’s all about finding a balance between what they want to do and what they need to do.
So here are my top tips:
Figure out what YOUR deal breakers are as parents and stand firm together.
If it’s sleep, then devices need to be switched off or handed over by a certain time. If late or there’s push back, they forfeit having them the following day. Better still, handing them in on time can mean they get an extra hour at the weekend. (Any reward will work better than a punishment.)
Don’t be afraid to wake them up! It's tempting to let them sleep in every day but a reasonable wake up call combined with a brew or a chat can make a big difference.
I speak to many young people who like the feeling they get from being up relatively early having completed a productive task, it sets them up for the day and gives them energy. Whereas lying in bed is great, they often talk about how important it is for them to be productive so when they don’t quite match their goal they can begin to feel low.
If your boundary is them keeping themselves and their bedroom clean, then set a day each week for the tidying to be done. I’m not going to lie here, you may have to body-double. This does not mean doing it for them but perhaps starting and asking them to do one task at a time whilst you stay in the room.
If your boundary is going out with the family, then give them plenty of notice and stay firm. Last minute trips out which impact gaming or plans with their friends will not end well!
As parents, because of the push back we can experience, it can often feel not worth the fight, but then we sit with guilt and watch as they slowly transform into zombies. In a few weeks they won’t be recognisable and then you’ll have to somehow get them back into a school routine and back into the land of the living.
Structure of some sort helps with cognition, wards off low mood and balances overthinking. It’s not easy to implement but in the long term, it’ll be worth it.
Does any of this sound familiar? I'd love to hear whether your experiences are similar to mine.
I currently have a small number of slots available for 1-1 coaching for both young people and parents. Click the link below for a 30 minute complimentary chat and discover how coaching can bring out the best in you and your teen.
I hear from many parents who talk about how gaming can completely take over any spare time that’s been created. Late mornings turn into early afternoons and, before we know it, we’re dealing with a nocturnal teenager who bears an uncanny resemblance to Edvard Munch’s ‘Scream’.
At first, as parents, we are tempted into thinking that they deserve the downtime and, as it happens, so do we! It’s not easy being the PA to a teen. Remembering their deadlines as well as our own; fielding calls from school; or trying desperately to get them to eat anything green. Getting them into bed / getting them out of bed. Being the sounding board / metaphorical punch bag as they seek out a dopamine rush from you or their siblings… No, it’s far from easy!
This is why, at first, the summer holidays feel like you can breathe out for the first time in months. So, how does it go when there is no real routine to think of and are there any benefits?
Well, firstly, my advice would be: don’t give up on the routine altogether. As much as structure, deadlines and doing things they don’t want to do put a strain on relationships, a lack of structure leaves plenty of space and thinking time that the idle ADHD brain rushes to fill. Even with scrolling, gaming, Snapchat, YouTube and WhatsApp, boredom can still start to take over and bring about snappiness and low mood.
One study found that young adults with ADHD traits were much more prone to boredom than their peers, with difficulties controlling attention and using working memory appearing to partly explain why.
Without the routine and external structure of school, the loss of social contact, purposeful activity and regular sleep patterns can leave them vulnerable to boredom, under-stimulation and low mood. That doesn’t mean spare time itself causes depression. The relationship can work both ways: low mood can make it harder to start or enjoy activities, leading to more time spent doing very little and feeling increasingly stuck. It can become a difficult cycle rather than a simple case of boredom causing depression.
So, what can we do as parents?
Well, in many ways, parenting a teenager or young person with ADHD means being firm about certain boundaries. Because moods can be unpredictable, it can be really challenging to put boundaries in place and stick to them. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight, but at other times it’s absolutely necessary to hold your ground and put some structure in place. It’s all about finding a balance between what they want to do and what they need to do.
So here are my top tips:
Figure out what YOUR deal breakers are as parents and stand firm together.
If it’s sleep, then devices need to be switched off or handed over by a certain time. If late or there’s push back, they forfeit having them the following day. Better still, handing them in on time can mean they get an extra hour at the weekend. (Any reward will work better than a punishment.)
Don’t be afraid to wake them up! It's tempting to let them sleep in every day but a reasonable wake up call combined with a brew or a chat can make a big difference.
I speak to many young people who like the feeling they get from being up relatively early having completed a productive task, it sets them up for the day and gives them energy. Whereas lying in bed is great, they often talk about how important it is for them to be productive so when they don’t quite match their goal they can begin to feel low.
If your boundary is them keeping themselves and their bedroom clean, then set a day each week for the tidying to be done. I’m not going to lie here, you may have to body-double. This does not mean doing it for them but perhaps starting and asking them to do one task at a time whilst you stay in the room.
If your boundary is going out with the family, then give them plenty of notice and stay firm. Last minute trips out which impact gaming or plans with their friends will not end well!
As parents, because of the push back we can experience, it can often feel not worth the fight, but then we sit with guilt and watch as they slowly transform into zombies. In a few weeks they won’t be recognisable and then you’ll have to somehow get them back into a school routine and back into the land of the living.
Structure of some sort helps with cognition, wards off low mood and balances overthinking. It’s not easy to implement but in the long term, it’ll be worth it.
Does any of this sound familiar? I'd love to hear whether your experiences are similar to mine.
I currently have a small number of slots available for 1-1 coaching for both young people and parents. Click the link below for a 30 minute complimentary chat and discover how coaching can bring out the best in you and your teen.
- Published on
What Happened When Teaching Could No Longer Hold Me Together
I worked my way through jobs that focused on helping people before I stumbled into working in a boarding school. Fuelled by a slight obsession with the Malory Towers books and a strong desire to get away from Wigan, I took on the role of assistant housemistress. My job was to look after twenty four Year 7 pupils, avoid the senior headmistress (terrifying) and try to stay sane on my days off with bells ringing and the sounds of the girls belting Spice Girls tracks just outside my room.
This was my first taste of responsibility and I liked it, but I wanted to do more. Fast forward two years and I was teaching English. To set the scene of teaching back in 1998 you’ll have to picture blackboards, chalk, no internet, one photocopier and a whole heap of relative freedom when it came to lesson content. Lovely!
Many things sang to me back then: creativity, autonomy, but also structure, results and challenge. None of these dissipated over the years. Yes, the curriculum got harder, certain curriculum changes reduced autonomy, but creativity was always there and of course, the kids. The kids were challenging, infuriating at times, but also innocent, funny and honest.
Dark times were being bullied by another staff member, going part-time to stay sane but having to watch promotion chances pass me by, Gove and numerous Ofsted inspections with ever-changing invisible goal posts.
People would ask, ‘How long will you teach for?’
‘As long as I’m still enjoying the classroom,’ I would say.
And then, one day, that prophecy came true.
One day I just got bored. Not gradually, not slightly either. Boredom bowled me over and almost overnight made me a clock-watcher. On top of that, I began to struggle with noise. Bells, high- pitched screams that only teenagers can perfect and class changeovers.
No-one knew this of course. I hit it well. I strung lights in my office, dimmed the lights, played soft music. All meant to be stress relievers but not very effective ones. The weekends became shorter as my race to build a department before the imminent Ofsted visit became more frenetic and filled with the need for everything to be perfect.
And then, that was it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I reached out to the school and it did not go well. I handed in my notice and just left.
Unfortunately, what I hadn’t banked on when I left was that the burnout, anxiety and trauma would just pack up and come along with me. Only now I had MORE time to ponder all of it!
Then, roughly a year later, I was interviewing women with late diagnosed ADHD for my end of year psychology thesis and the penny dropped.
The exposure to research and data hadn’t alerted me to the possibility of me having ADHD but, sat across a desk, talking on screen to women who had struggled with ADHD traits in secondary school, I suddenly got it. Lived spoken experiences are so often left out of research, so how was I to know?
The Beginning of the End
If you know schools you will know that there are bells, timetables, defined expectations, benchmarks, rules etc. Leaving all of that and going out into the ‘wild’ with increasingly unpredictable ADHD symptoms is not fun.
Turns out, there were many things that I excelled in in school that I was actually terrible at out in the real world:
But what happens when all of these things suddenly turn on you and the pressure, masking and perfectionism all collide and contribute to the end of your teaching career and your entire sense of self?
It’s embarrassing turning up a day late for an appointment, it’s also not so good when your RSD flares up every time you receive the slightest bit of feedback from… anyone!
Learning to use the Pomodoro method to help you to focus for 20 minutes at a time is a sobering eye-opener as is realising that you can actually take breaks and not feel guilty for it.
Knowing when to accept a certain level of pressure is good; knowing when to give it all up and go and sit in the garden is another.
Insomnia, incessant thoughts, anxiety and the interminable, persistent bitch of an inner dialogue all jumped in the car with me on the last day of teaching. My head’s been a crowded place these last couple of years.
Luckily, I have support and a growing sense of self-awareness that is fed every day through coaching teens. Because, as much as I help them, they don’t know this but they help me too. When they talk about overthinking, I’m right there. Equally, when they discuss the pressures of school, RSD, perfectionism, sensory overwhelm or task paralysis, I get it. Because going through ‘puberty in reverse’, as a friend said recently, ‘Was so fun the first time!’
I worked my way through jobs that focused on helping people before I stumbled into working in a boarding school. Fuelled by a slight obsession with the Malory Towers books and a strong desire to get away from Wigan, I took on the role of assistant housemistress. My job was to look after twenty four Year 7 pupils, avoid the senior headmistress (terrifying) and try to stay sane on my days off with bells ringing and the sounds of the girls belting Spice Girls tracks just outside my room.
This was my first taste of responsibility and I liked it, but I wanted to do more. Fast forward two years and I was teaching English. To set the scene of teaching back in 1998 you’ll have to picture blackboards, chalk, no internet, one photocopier and a whole heap of relative freedom when it came to lesson content. Lovely!
Many things sang to me back then: creativity, autonomy, but also structure, results and challenge. None of these dissipated over the years. Yes, the curriculum got harder, certain curriculum changes reduced autonomy, but creativity was always there and of course, the kids. The kids were challenging, infuriating at times, but also innocent, funny and honest.
Dark times were being bullied by another staff member, going part-time to stay sane but having to watch promotion chances pass me by, Gove and numerous Ofsted inspections with ever-changing invisible goal posts.
People would ask, ‘How long will you teach for?’
‘As long as I’m still enjoying the classroom,’ I would say.
And then, one day, that prophecy came true.
One day I just got bored. Not gradually, not slightly either. Boredom bowled me over and almost overnight made me a clock-watcher. On top of that, I began to struggle with noise. Bells, high- pitched screams that only teenagers can perfect and class changeovers.
No-one knew this of course. I hit it well. I strung lights in my office, dimmed the lights, played soft music. All meant to be stress relievers but not very effective ones. The weekends became shorter as my race to build a department before the imminent Ofsted visit became more frenetic and filled with the need for everything to be perfect.
And then, that was it. I couldn’t do it anymore. I reached out to the school and it did not go well. I handed in my notice and just left.
Unfortunately, what I hadn’t banked on when I left was that the burnout, anxiety and trauma would just pack up and come along with me. Only now I had MORE time to ponder all of it!
Then, roughly a year later, I was interviewing women with late diagnosed ADHD for my end of year psychology thesis and the penny dropped.
The exposure to research and data hadn’t alerted me to the possibility of me having ADHD but, sat across a desk, talking on screen to women who had struggled with ADHD traits in secondary school, I suddenly got it. Lived spoken experiences are so often left out of research, so how was I to know?
The Beginning of the End
If you know schools you will know that there are bells, timetables, defined expectations, benchmarks, rules etc. Leaving all of that and going out into the ‘wild’ with increasingly unpredictable ADHD symptoms is not fun.
Turns out, there were many things that I excelled in in school that I was actually terrible at out in the real world:
- Time and dates
- Focus (never a problem because I could see the impact of my actions on the ever-expressive faces of pupils)
- Pressure (bring on the dopamine!)
- Tight deadlines and impossible standards. (Feelings of satisfaction / perfectionism)
But what happens when all of these things suddenly turn on you and the pressure, masking and perfectionism all collide and contribute to the end of your teaching career and your entire sense of self?
It’s embarrassing turning up a day late for an appointment, it’s also not so good when your RSD flares up every time you receive the slightest bit of feedback from… anyone!
Learning to use the Pomodoro method to help you to focus for 20 minutes at a time is a sobering eye-opener as is realising that you can actually take breaks and not feel guilty for it.
Knowing when to accept a certain level of pressure is good; knowing when to give it all up and go and sit in the garden is another.
Insomnia, incessant thoughts, anxiety and the interminable, persistent bitch of an inner dialogue all jumped in the car with me on the last day of teaching. My head’s been a crowded place these last couple of years.
Luckily, I have support and a growing sense of self-awareness that is fed every day through coaching teens. Because, as much as I help them, they don’t know this but they help me too. When they talk about overthinking, I’m right there. Equally, when they discuss the pressures of school, RSD, perfectionism, sensory overwhelm or task paralysis, I get it. Because going through ‘puberty in reverse’, as a friend said recently, ‘Was so fun the first time!’
- Published on
If we think of girls with ADHD as always masking and being invisible, we miss the point.
Over the last few years, awareness around ADHD in girls has grown massively and that matters. For a long time, girls were overlooked because the understanding of ADHD was built around how boys were seen to present.
Hyperactive, disruptive, impulsive and externally dysregulated behaviours were recognised far more quickly in boys, while many girls slipped through unnoticed.
That conversation needed to happen.
But somewhere along the way, the message has started to narrow again.
We’ve gone from saying:
‘Girls with ADHD are often missed because they don’t present like boys’
to implying:
‘Girls with ADHD are always quiet, internalised, anxious, high masking and people pleasing.’
And that’s not true either.
Through coaching, my teaching career and research, I have met a range of girls and young women who wouldn’t relate to any of these traits and instead see themselves as loud, opinionated, demand avoidant and emotionally vulnerable.
One of the underlying reasons why traits like these might not necessarily point to ADHD is teacher bias.
A study into teacher bias in the classroom revealed higher expectations of girls’ behaviour and academic performance than boys. (1)
How many times do we hear the phrase ‘boys will be boys’? But where is the female equivalent?
Does this suggest that boys have no control over their behaviour, whereas girls pick and choose?
If this is the case, the chances of a girl being recognised as having ADHD lessen considerably.
A loud, impulsive boy might still trigger thoughts of:
“Classic ADHD.”
A loud, impulsive girl is more likely to be described as:
dramatic,
rude,
bossy,
attention-seeking,
difficult,
emotional,
or defiant.
In another study, teachers were shown ADHD style case studies where only the child’s name and pronouns were changed from male to female. The boys were more likely to be referred for extra support and seen as more suitable for treatment. (2)
With increasing numbers struggling to get into school, waiting until their twenties before receiving a diagnosis and higher numbers of girls facing fixed-term exclusion, we need to ask ourselves:
Are we genuinely curious about what sits underneath behaviour or are we still punishing girls for presenting in ways that make adults uncomfortable?
If you see your daughter, granddaughter or even yourself in this blog, you are not alone.
Through ADHD coaching, I support girls, teens and women to better understand themselves, build confidence and feel seen beyond the labels they’ve been given.
Send me a message, I’d love to hear your story.
References
1: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01425699995290
2:https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-020-02707-9?fbclid=IwAR2o6viv-fldZuPtcNiS4sKw0-96EEy9ozJPuZl-TxUcCZM4vyXr-HJSg7E
Over the last few years, awareness around ADHD in girls has grown massively and that matters. For a long time, girls were overlooked because the understanding of ADHD was built around how boys were seen to present.
Hyperactive, disruptive, impulsive and externally dysregulated behaviours were recognised far more quickly in boys, while many girls slipped through unnoticed.
That conversation needed to happen.
But somewhere along the way, the message has started to narrow again.
We’ve gone from saying:
‘Girls with ADHD are often missed because they don’t present like boys’
to implying:
‘Girls with ADHD are always quiet, internalised, anxious, high masking and people pleasing.’
And that’s not true either.
Through coaching, my teaching career and research, I have met a range of girls and young women who wouldn’t relate to any of these traits and instead see themselves as loud, opinionated, demand avoidant and emotionally vulnerable.
One of the underlying reasons why traits like these might not necessarily point to ADHD is teacher bias.
A study into teacher bias in the classroom revealed higher expectations of girls’ behaviour and academic performance than boys. (1)
How many times do we hear the phrase ‘boys will be boys’? But where is the female equivalent?
Does this suggest that boys have no control over their behaviour, whereas girls pick and choose?
If this is the case, the chances of a girl being recognised as having ADHD lessen considerably.
A loud, impulsive boy might still trigger thoughts of:
“Classic ADHD.”
A loud, impulsive girl is more likely to be described as:
dramatic,
rude,
bossy,
attention-seeking,
difficult,
emotional,
or defiant.
In another study, teachers were shown ADHD style case studies where only the child’s name and pronouns were changed from male to female. The boys were more likely to be referred for extra support and seen as more suitable for treatment. (2)
With increasing numbers struggling to get into school, waiting until their twenties before receiving a diagnosis and higher numbers of girls facing fixed-term exclusion, we need to ask ourselves:
Are we genuinely curious about what sits underneath behaviour or are we still punishing girls for presenting in ways that make adults uncomfortable?
If you see your daughter, granddaughter or even yourself in this blog, you are not alone.
Through ADHD coaching, I support girls, teens and women to better understand themselves, build confidence and feel seen beyond the labels they’ve been given.
Send me a message, I’d love to hear your story.
References
1: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/01425699995290
2:https://link.springer.com/article/10.1186/s12888-020-02707-9?fbclid=IwAR2o6viv-fldZuPtcNiS4sKw0-96EEy9ozJPuZl-TxUcCZM4vyXr-HJSg7E
- Published on
How much impact does all or nothing thinking have on teens with ADHD?
In coaching, all or nothing thinking is probably at the top of my most discussed topics. It does not present itself straight away as this, but as sessions develop, more often than not, whatever the topic, all or nothing thinking is responsible for a lot of self-held beliefs.
Why is all or nothing thinking so common in teens with ADHD?
Being neurodivergent means that filtering a complex world has its challenges, so sometimes it is easier to ‘pick a lane’, and stick to it. Difficulties with executive functions also mean that there are challenges with flexible thinking, or even simply weighing up options effectively.
For me, I struggle to tolerate ‘in-between’ states. I want it to happen yesterday. Not that I struggle with patience, because I do not. It is more a case of wanting to rip the plaster off, or even to will the situation to its end goal, so I can deal with the results and move on.
A simple way to understand all or nothing thinking
One client recently talked about ‘all’ being the colour green, and ‘nothing’ being yellow. When I gently challenged the thinking, she said maybe the middle ground is a mixture of the two, and is orange.
How all or nothing thinking affects motivation
I have seen it play out with young people in different ways.
Many clients struggle with motivation. More often than not, it is mundane tasks such as tidying their bedroom, starting homework, or revising. As the brain begins to think about the task, and starts breaking down the various steps required, quite quickly it becomes overwhelming.
This is made worse by the thought of having to get it to a point where it looks like a showroom. All of a sudden, the amount of energy it would take to push through the tedium is just not worth it.
Minutes become hours, and nothing gets done.
The speed it takes for the brain to visualise the end product cannot be underestimated. This is where all or nothing thinking comes in, and completely sabotages them. ‘Showroom’ standards have raised the bar so high, it's just not worth it.
When all or nothing thinking leads to paralysis
One client came to me two years ago, struggling with being able to write under timed conditions. In her mind, the minute that clock started, she was under the most unbearable pressure.
Instead of starting, and just doing her best, she was paralysed with ‘what ifs’:
- What if my opening paragraph makes no sense?
- What if I get halfway, and realise I have picked the wrong question to answer?
- What if I fail?
Suddenly, it is not about putting pen to paper, and working through it. Now it is about how I am going to fail.
How coaching challenges all or nothing thinking
So, how does coaching challenge all or nothing thinking, and turn procrastination, or the freeze response, into action?
It is actually pretty simple. I ask about the middle ground. What does a little bit of progress look like, in comparison to done?
Forget about the end goal, what does the job look like half-done? Is this not better than not started?
For many, this is a lightbulb moment. Suddenly, the pressure is off, no one has failed, and it is not insurmountable.
Why small steps work for ADHD brains
A bedroom can be improved by just picking up the clothes.
Exam results can be improved with a page of writing, as opposed to nothing at all.
This is the thinking behind why we encourage teachers, and parents, to chunk up tasks, and then reward afterwards in some way. We are creating motivation by taking away the bigger picture. We are building self-esteem by saying ‘done is better than perfect’, and we are removing the barriers that stand in the way of someone with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder wanting to reach their goals.
Support for all or nothing thinking in ADHD teens
Does this ring true for you or a loved one?
If you want to know more about how to respond positively to all or nothing thinking, book a chat with me.
- Published on
ADHD and Identity: Why Adolescence Can Feel So Confusing
Adolescence is when young people begin to figure out who they are. For many of the teenagers I coach, that process feels confusing and fragile, especially when ADHD is part of the picture. Research suggests that identity doesn’t form in isolation. Life changes and key events can shape who we become (Branje, S et al. ) So what does this mean if you are a neurodivergent adolescent?
My Son’s Story
Narrative identity theory states that identity is formed from the experiences we have and the stories we tell ourselves. When my son started a new school in year four, I battled with the school to get him medicated.
The psychiatrist was telling me to put him on medication but the school was adamant, ‘There was nothing wrong with him and he was just like all the other boys’.
This was back in 2004. His diagnosis had come as a shock and knowledge about ADHD, particularly the inattentive presentation in boys, was limited. In the end, feeling overpowered and bullied, I gave up on the idea of medication.
By the time my son had reached the end of year 7 he had been asked to leave the school.
The transition from primary to secondary had not been smooth. The demands on his executive functions were overwhelming and despite his sporting ability he was really struggling. By the time he moved schools and started in year 8 I had a prescription and we were ready to start meds.
When behaviour clashes with identity
After two weeks of using meds, my son started to complain that he didn’t feel like ‘himself’. Soon I started to find the tablets down the back of his bed; I was giving them to him and he was hiding them. His reasoning was that he wasn’t popular anymore, he didn’t feel funny and his friends had started to notice he was subdued.
What became clear to me was that medication wasn’t just affecting his behaviour – it was affecting how he saw himself.
Transitioning into secondary school can often lead to complex feelings around identity. Peers may change, friendship groups split and new friends come in. Subjects that were once easy feel hard. Earlier this month during a coaching session a year 7 pupil was trying to explain why she had found her most recent history assignment difficult.
She had sat staring at the bank page for over an hour and then burst into tears. During the session, she began to share that her whole life she had been seen as a ‘nerd’. A nerd, she explained, was someone who always answered questions and who always went above and beyond. With the pressure of timed assessments, she’d become quite stuck, frightened suddenly of failure - a feeling quite new.
Through being academic my client had found value, recognised she was different from her peers and liked it. With challenge, she not only questioned her academic ability, she was questioning her entire identity.
What this means for neurodivergent teens
Being neurodivergent means that you look around at others and struggle to see someone like you. This is why masking can be a solution but in the long term may lead to confusion and burnout. In addition, those fortunate to receive a diagnosis are then left to figure it out themselves. Not only do they feel a little different but now they have confirmation of it. All of these factors group together and make that bumpy ride into adulthood feel more like a rollercoaster.
Supporting young people as identity shifts
The key to all of this is communication. We often assume that certain behaviours are just typical adolescent pitfalls but when recklessness means a desire to fit in with peers or anxiety points at an underlying issue with changing identity, we have to stay curious and offer up time and space to explore the real reasons behind them.
When a young person is holding onto an identity that no longer fits, self-awareness becomes the turning point. That awareness grows when adults stay curious, listen carefully and create space for honest conversations.
Knowing that puberty and transitions can be confusing is comforting. Holding onto old identities such as not finding school work difficult can be damaging. At some point, no matter how bright, the student is going to come across something that challenges them. It’s how they adapt that’s the most important thing.
If you’re parenting a teenager with ADHD or you are a young person, which part of this resonates with you?
My Son’s Story
Narrative identity theory states that identity is formed from the experiences we have and the stories we tell ourselves. When my son started a new school in year four, I battled with the school to get him medicated.
The psychiatrist was telling me to put him on medication but the school was adamant, ‘There was nothing wrong with him and he was just like all the other boys’.
This was back in 2004. His diagnosis had come as a shock and knowledge about ADHD, particularly the inattentive presentation in boys, was limited. In the end, feeling overpowered and bullied, I gave up on the idea of medication.
By the time my son had reached the end of year 7 he had been asked to leave the school.
The transition from primary to secondary had not been smooth. The demands on his executive functions were overwhelming and despite his sporting ability he was really struggling. By the time he moved schools and started in year 8 I had a prescription and we were ready to start meds.
When behaviour clashes with identity
After two weeks of using meds, my son started to complain that he didn’t feel like ‘himself’. Soon I started to find the tablets down the back of his bed; I was giving them to him and he was hiding them. His reasoning was that he wasn’t popular anymore, he didn’t feel funny and his friends had started to notice he was subdued.
What became clear to me was that medication wasn’t just affecting his behaviour – it was affecting how he saw himself.
Transitioning into secondary school can often lead to complex feelings around identity. Peers may change, friendship groups split and new friends come in. Subjects that were once easy feel hard. Earlier this month during a coaching session a year 7 pupil was trying to explain why she had found her most recent history assignment difficult.
She had sat staring at the bank page for over an hour and then burst into tears. During the session, she began to share that her whole life she had been seen as a ‘nerd’. A nerd, she explained, was someone who always answered questions and who always went above and beyond. With the pressure of timed assessments, she’d become quite stuck, frightened suddenly of failure - a feeling quite new.
Through being academic my client had found value, recognised she was different from her peers and liked it. With challenge, she not only questioned her academic ability, she was questioning her entire identity.
What this means for neurodivergent teens
Being neurodivergent means that you look around at others and struggle to see someone like you. This is why masking can be a solution but in the long term may lead to confusion and burnout. In addition, those fortunate to receive a diagnosis are then left to figure it out themselves. Not only do they feel a little different but now they have confirmation of it. All of these factors group together and make that bumpy ride into adulthood feel more like a rollercoaster.
Supporting young people as identity shifts
The key to all of this is communication. We often assume that certain behaviours are just typical adolescent pitfalls but when recklessness means a desire to fit in with peers or anxiety points at an underlying issue with changing identity, we have to stay curious and offer up time and space to explore the real reasons behind them.
When a young person is holding onto an identity that no longer fits, self-awareness becomes the turning point. That awareness grows when adults stay curious, listen carefully and create space for honest conversations.
Knowing that puberty and transitions can be confusing is comforting. Holding onto old identities such as not finding school work difficult can be damaging. At some point, no matter how bright, the student is going to come across something that challenges them. It’s how they adapt that’s the most important thing.
If you’re parenting a teenager with ADHD or you are a young person, which part of this resonates with you?
- Published on
There are a lot of stereotypes and assumptions surrounding ADHD, one of the most common being that those with ADHD aren’t academically able.
I disagree.
Not only are they academic in the traditional sense of the word but they often go beyond what is expected, working at super fast speed premempting what the teacher is going to say next and arriving at a conclusion far faster than anybody else.
Often this is one of the reasons why behaviour might slip - because they’re bored or because they focus on future learning worrying that they don’t know it yet and have yet to perfect it.
Don’t believe me? Many of my neurodivergent students will watch Youtube videos. If you’re ever passing, check to see what speed they’re watching them on. The one I see the most is 1.5 times faster than the norm with subtitles.
Why ADHD Does Not Mean Low Academic Ability
Yet what I see time and again in coaching and tutoring are bright teens who are underestimated and made to feel different. That is hardly surprising when the education system is designed for a very narrow type of learner.
This pressure can be felt most keenly around year 10 when GCSEs are beginning or in the year 13.
Suddenly they feel the pressure and don’t want to fail. I often see teens desperately looking for answers, looking to change, to shift mindsets and to start again. They struggle internally and blame themselves when they’re unable to reach their goals.
But this is where I am the most lucky. I get to help!
In coaching I can listen as they pour out what they’ve been holding in for years. We can work on a plan that works with their strengths and not look to fix something that was never broken in the first place.
I can sit and watch their faces as they realise for the first time that the adult sitting across from them actually gets it. Together we rebuild and make the future happen.
In tutoring, it’s slightly different but not much. Since I qualified as a coach, combining the two sets of skills has had a massive impact on my teaching style. To coin a phrase, I meet them where they are at. Again, I’m rewarded with trust as they feel recognised and can finally relax and work at a pace they’re comfortable with.
How ADHD Coaching Supports Teens Through Exams
We have 88 days before the first GCSEs and 93 days before the A levels. Many parents look for ADHD academic coaching when their teenager struggles with GCSE revision, motivation or organisation. ADHD does not affect intelligence, but it can affect how learning is accessed and supported. For many there are no more mocks and already I am hearing about struggling to revise. I’ve supported many students who have benefitted from academic coaching to help them stay motivated, organised and focussed.
If that sounds like something your child might benefit from, book a chat.
And if you know someone who needs to hear this, please share.
I disagree.
Not only are they academic in the traditional sense of the word but they often go beyond what is expected, working at super fast speed premempting what the teacher is going to say next and arriving at a conclusion far faster than anybody else.
Often this is one of the reasons why behaviour might slip - because they’re bored or because they focus on future learning worrying that they don’t know it yet and have yet to perfect it.
Don’t believe me? Many of my neurodivergent students will watch Youtube videos. If you’re ever passing, check to see what speed they’re watching them on. The one I see the most is 1.5 times faster than the norm with subtitles.
Why ADHD Does Not Mean Low Academic Ability
Yet what I see time and again in coaching and tutoring are bright teens who are underestimated and made to feel different. That is hardly surprising when the education system is designed for a very narrow type of learner.
This pressure can be felt most keenly around year 10 when GCSEs are beginning or in the year 13.
Suddenly they feel the pressure and don’t want to fail. I often see teens desperately looking for answers, looking to change, to shift mindsets and to start again. They struggle internally and blame themselves when they’re unable to reach their goals.
But this is where I am the most lucky. I get to help!
In coaching I can listen as they pour out what they’ve been holding in for years. We can work on a plan that works with their strengths and not look to fix something that was never broken in the first place.
I can sit and watch their faces as they realise for the first time that the adult sitting across from them actually gets it. Together we rebuild and make the future happen.
In tutoring, it’s slightly different but not much. Since I qualified as a coach, combining the two sets of skills has had a massive impact on my teaching style. To coin a phrase, I meet them where they are at. Again, I’m rewarded with trust as they feel recognised and can finally relax and work at a pace they’re comfortable with.
How ADHD Coaching Supports Teens Through Exams
We have 88 days before the first GCSEs and 93 days before the A levels. Many parents look for ADHD academic coaching when their teenager struggles with GCSE revision, motivation or organisation. ADHD does not affect intelligence, but it can affect how learning is accessed and supported. For many there are no more mocks and already I am hearing about struggling to revise. I’ve supported many students who have benefitted from academic coaching to help them stay motivated, organised and focussed.
If that sounds like something your child might benefit from, book a chat.
And if you know someone who needs to hear this, please share.
- Published on
Studies into females with ADHD are gradually increasing but would have to move at lightning speed to catch up with research based on both genders.
Research often concludes that masking is one of the fundamental reasons ADHD is so hard to diagnose.
But I would argue that the way the term ‘masking’ is commonly used can gaslight girls. It subtly shifts responsibility for the lack of research and understanding of ADHD in females onto them, rather than onto GPs, research culture, and diagnostic criteria that were never designed with them in mind.
For many girls and young women I have coached, getting that all-important referral or collating evidence from school is an uphill battle. More often than is acceptable, girls leave GP appointments with advice to exercise more or a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. (True story)
So why the masking in the first place?
Research into gender suggests that girls are under greater pressure to meet gender norms. Girls are expected to be hardworking and attentive, qualities closely tied to self-esteem and self-perception.
At the same time, studies into gender bias in classrooms suggest teachers place higher expectations on girls than boys. Poor behaviour is more readily linked to boys, while a ‘misbehaving’ girl is more likely to be scrutinised and corrected more harshly.
Is it any wonder masking is so common?
As someone who has researched this area and worked closely with girls with undiagnosed ADHD, I can tell you the signs are very visible in our schools and colleges. I have spent hours supporting misdiagnosed and undiagnosed girls as they unpick coping strategies that have run their course and left them confused and depleted.
I have supported girls who cry, panic, worry and lose sleep over deadlines, organisation and motivation. But I have spent even more time with those who were completely burnt out by a school system and a society that failed to recognise their needs.
So here are my takeaways. If you work with young people in education, or you are a parent trying to gather evidence for a referral, these traits are commonly seen regardless of masking:
A conscientious girl at school can quickly struggle at college or university, when structure, praise and external validation begin to disappear.
If this sounds like your daughter, reach out and let’s have a conversation.
Research often concludes that masking is one of the fundamental reasons ADHD is so hard to diagnose.
But I would argue that the way the term ‘masking’ is commonly used can gaslight girls. It subtly shifts responsibility for the lack of research and understanding of ADHD in females onto them, rather than onto GPs, research culture, and diagnostic criteria that were never designed with them in mind.
For many girls and young women I have coached, getting that all-important referral or collating evidence from school is an uphill battle. More often than is acceptable, girls leave GP appointments with advice to exercise more or a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. (True story)
So why the masking in the first place?
Research into gender suggests that girls are under greater pressure to meet gender norms. Girls are expected to be hardworking and attentive, qualities closely tied to self-esteem and self-perception.
At the same time, studies into gender bias in classrooms suggest teachers place higher expectations on girls than boys. Poor behaviour is more readily linked to boys, while a ‘misbehaving’ girl is more likely to be scrutinised and corrected more harshly.
Is it any wonder masking is so common?
As someone who has researched this area and worked closely with girls with undiagnosed ADHD, I can tell you the signs are very visible in our schools and colleges. I have spent hours supporting misdiagnosed and undiagnosed girls as they unpick coping strategies that have run their course and left them confused and depleted.
I have supported girls who cry, panic, worry and lose sleep over deadlines, organisation and motivation. But I have spent even more time with those who were completely burnt out by a school system and a society that failed to recognise their needs.
So here are my takeaways. If you work with young people in education, or you are a parent trying to gather evidence for a referral, these traits are commonly seen regardless of masking:
- Good grades or work beyond what is required
- Spending excessive amounts of time on homework
- Persistent fear of being judged by peers
- Rushing ahead and asking questions unrelated to the current task
- Disengagement or frequent daydreaming
- Lots of friends but no clear friendship group
- Sudden emotional outbursts
- Difficulty starting work due to fear it will not be good enough
- How long is homework actually taking?
- How easy is it to reassure the student, or do they remain unconvinced?
- Why are they rushing through the work? Is it genuinely easy, or are they anxious about what comes next?
- Are they conscientious in class but consistently miss deadlines?
- Why is classwork strong but exam performance weaker?
A conscientious girl at school can quickly struggle at college or university, when structure, praise and external validation begin to disappear.
If this sounds like your daughter, reach out and let’s have a conversation.
- Published on
Punishment and ADHD Teens: Boundaries, Consequences and Real Life
It may be an unpopular opinion but I believe that punishment is an essential strategy and should be a regular tool in the parent toolkit.
Some may disagree saying that punishing a child or teen with ADHD is not supportive of the condition and may do more damage than good. Poor time management, lack of focus or weak organisation skills for example will definitely not improve through punishment alone. Where we sometimes get this wrong is by putting a blanket ban on punishment regardless of the behaviour.
For example:
You really are down to your last bowl and fork. You know for a fact that there’s a whole range of dirty crockery dotted about every surface of your teen’s bedroom. You call for them to bring it down. No response. You try again. No response. This time you venture in and find them comatose. Without much patience, you demand everything is brought down in the next five minutes or there will be hell to pay!
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Still nothing.
Is this ADHD? Time blindness? Or disrespect? Is this punishable? Or is it time to have a sit down chat about responsibility and mutual respect?
The truth is, we have to ask ourselves, is this ADHD?
Is this not a common battleground that most parents of teenagers find themselves in?
Here’s another example:
Your teen is out with friends. The curfew is 10pm. They roll in around 11.30pm. Your mind has been going over and over every single possible scenario to do with accidents, kidnapping and death. You’ve just spent the last hour and a half, trying to call and get a response to texts. Meanwhile, their response when they walk in is defiant, aggressive, ready for the backlash.
An almighty row takes place, you scream they’re grounded! Like fuel on the fire, the row escalates that bit more until it’s like a scene from Saving Private Ryan.
Knackered, fuming, upset, you both go to your separate corners and nothing feels resolved.
From minor to major, navigating the teen years coupled with ADHD, autism or both is not easy. Relationships can break down and communication can grind to a halt.
So what options do we, as parents, have?
Boundaries
Firstly, I always say to parents, know your boundaries and stick to them. Violence and swearing were my absolute deal-breakers, for everything else I recommend using rewards, incentives, talking things through and natural consequences. Being consistent around your boundaries will bring you peace and set clear parameters for your teens. The breaking of these boundaries will almost always end in punishment of some kind - loss of privileges being the most effective.
Most important of all, when issuing the consequences of their action, don’t do this when tensions are high. For instance, if rolling in an hour and a half late is a clear breaking of a boundary and they know it, they will come ready for a fight. Leave it until the morning when things are calmer. They know it’s coming so why bother with the fight?
Incentives and Rewards
Issuing an ultimatum for not doing something or for not sticking to time can literally be the most frustrating part of parenting an ADHD teen. If we flip that and understand that time blindness and motivation are two key traits we start to see the power of an incentive. This needs to be something enticing and fairly immediate. For example, bring down the dishes and you won't have to wash them up is appealing. Yes, you may have to wash them which sucks but at least there’s been less energy spent on screaming!
Side-note: avoid a reward that asks too much of their executive function system or is so far off into the future, they can’t be bothered.
Natural Consequences
Allowing your teen to suffer from the natural consequences of their actions can be hard to do but often the most effective. Reminding them constantly about homework, books, PE kits etc is useful to begin with but doesn’t teach strategies or foster independence. As parents we can often see into the future and want to clear the path so that our kids don’t suffer, but taking a step back and letting the consequences play out is a bigger lesson than anything we can teach.
Finally, I want you to know that it’s not easy, one minute you’ll feel like you’ve nailed your approach and then you’ll repeat it and it’ll fail spectacularly. Regularly reviewing it in your own mind and altering your strategies is completely normal. Our ADHD teens are a little slower to emotionally mature than neurotypical teens so go easy on them and, more importantly, yourself.
If you’re struggling with your ADHD teen, this is something I work on with parents.
It may be an unpopular opinion but I believe that punishment is an essential strategy and should be a regular tool in the parent toolkit.
Some may disagree saying that punishing a child or teen with ADHD is not supportive of the condition and may do more damage than good. Poor time management, lack of focus or weak organisation skills for example will definitely not improve through punishment alone. Where we sometimes get this wrong is by putting a blanket ban on punishment regardless of the behaviour.
For example:
You really are down to your last bowl and fork. You know for a fact that there’s a whole range of dirty crockery dotted about every surface of your teen’s bedroom. You call for them to bring it down. No response. You try again. No response. This time you venture in and find them comatose. Without much patience, you demand everything is brought down in the next five minutes or there will be hell to pay!
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Still nothing.
Is this ADHD? Time blindness? Or disrespect? Is this punishable? Or is it time to have a sit down chat about responsibility and mutual respect?
The truth is, we have to ask ourselves, is this ADHD?
Is this not a common battleground that most parents of teenagers find themselves in?
Here’s another example:
Your teen is out with friends. The curfew is 10pm. They roll in around 11.30pm. Your mind has been going over and over every single possible scenario to do with accidents, kidnapping and death. You’ve just spent the last hour and a half, trying to call and get a response to texts. Meanwhile, their response when they walk in is defiant, aggressive, ready for the backlash.
An almighty row takes place, you scream they’re grounded! Like fuel on the fire, the row escalates that bit more until it’s like a scene from Saving Private Ryan.
Knackered, fuming, upset, you both go to your separate corners and nothing feels resolved.
From minor to major, navigating the teen years coupled with ADHD, autism or both is not easy. Relationships can break down and communication can grind to a halt.
So what options do we, as parents, have?
Boundaries
Firstly, I always say to parents, know your boundaries and stick to them. Violence and swearing were my absolute deal-breakers, for everything else I recommend using rewards, incentives, talking things through and natural consequences. Being consistent around your boundaries will bring you peace and set clear parameters for your teens. The breaking of these boundaries will almost always end in punishment of some kind - loss of privileges being the most effective.
Most important of all, when issuing the consequences of their action, don’t do this when tensions are high. For instance, if rolling in an hour and a half late is a clear breaking of a boundary and they know it, they will come ready for a fight. Leave it until the morning when things are calmer. They know it’s coming so why bother with the fight?
Incentives and Rewards
Issuing an ultimatum for not doing something or for not sticking to time can literally be the most frustrating part of parenting an ADHD teen. If we flip that and understand that time blindness and motivation are two key traits we start to see the power of an incentive. This needs to be something enticing and fairly immediate. For example, bring down the dishes and you won't have to wash them up is appealing. Yes, you may have to wash them which sucks but at least there’s been less energy spent on screaming!
Side-note: avoid a reward that asks too much of their executive function system or is so far off into the future, they can’t be bothered.
Natural Consequences
Allowing your teen to suffer from the natural consequences of their actions can be hard to do but often the most effective. Reminding them constantly about homework, books, PE kits etc is useful to begin with but doesn’t teach strategies or foster independence. As parents we can often see into the future and want to clear the path so that our kids don’t suffer, but taking a step back and letting the consequences play out is a bigger lesson than anything we can teach.
Finally, I want you to know that it’s not easy, one minute you’ll feel like you’ve nailed your approach and then you’ll repeat it and it’ll fail spectacularly. Regularly reviewing it in your own mind and altering your strategies is completely normal. Our ADHD teens are a little slower to emotionally mature than neurotypical teens so go easy on them and, more importantly, yourself.
If you’re struggling with your ADHD teen, this is something I work on with parents.