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ADHD and Identity: Why Adolescence Can Feel So Confusing
Adolescence is when young people begin to figure out who they are. For many of the teenagers I coach, that process feels confusing and fragile, especially when ADHD is part of the picture. Research suggests that identity doesn’t form in isolation. Life changes and key events can shape who we become (Branje, S et al. ) So what does this mean if you are a neurodivergent adolescent?
My Son’s Story
Narrative identity theory states that identity is formed from the experiences we have and the stories we tell ourselves. When my son started a new school in year four, I battled with the school to get him medicated.
The psychiatrist was telling me to put him on medication but the school was adamant, ‘There was nothing wrong with him and he was just like all the other boys’.
This was back in 2004. His diagnosis had come as a shock and knowledge about ADHD, particularly the inattentive presentation in boys, was limited. In the end, feeling overpowered and bullied, I gave up on the idea of medication.
By the time my son had reached the end of year 7 he had been asked to leave the school.
The transition from primary to secondary had not been smooth. The demands on his executive functions were overwhelming and despite his sporting ability he was really struggling. By the time he moved schools and started in year 8 I had a prescription and we were ready to start meds.
When behaviour clashes with identity
After two weeks of using meds, my son started to complain that he didn’t feel like ‘himself’. Soon I started to find the tablets down the back of his bed; I was giving them to him and he was hiding them. His reasoning was that he wasn’t popular anymore, he didn’t feel funny and his friends had started to notice he was subdued.
What became clear to me was that medication wasn’t just affecting his behaviour – it was affecting how he saw himself.
Transitioning into secondary school can often lead to complex feelings around identity. Peers may change, friendship groups split and new friends come in. Subjects that were once easy feel hard. Earlier this month during a coaching session a year 7 pupil was trying to explain why she had found her most recent history assignment difficult.
She had sat staring at the bank page for over an hour and then burst into tears. During the session, she began to share that her whole life she had been seen as a ‘nerd’. A nerd, she explained, was someone who always answered questions and who always went above and beyond. With the pressure of timed assessments, she’d become quite stuck, frightened suddenly of failure - a feeling quite new.
Through being academic my client had found value, recognised she was different from her peers and liked it. With challenge, she not only questioned her academic ability, she was questioning her entire identity.
What this means for neurodivergent teens
Being neurodivergent means that you look around at others and struggle to see someone like you. This is why masking can be a solution but in the long term may lead to confusion and burnout. In addition, those fortunate to receive a diagnosis are then left to figure it out themselves. Not only do they feel a little different but now they have confirmation of it. All of these factors group together and make that bumpy ride into adulthood feel more like a rollercoaster.
Supporting young people as identity shifts
The key to all of this is communication. We often assume that certain behaviours are just typical adolescent pitfalls but when recklessness means a desire to fit in with peers or anxiety points at an underlying issue with changing identity, we have to stay curious and offer up time and space to explore the real reasons behind them.
When a young person is holding onto an identity that no longer fits, self-awareness becomes the turning point. That awareness grows when adults stay curious, listen carefully and create space for honest conversations.
Knowing that puberty and transitions can be confusing is comforting. Holding onto old identities such as not finding school work difficult can be damaging. At some point, no matter how bright, the student is going to come across something that challenges them. It’s how they adapt that’s the most important thing.
If you’re parenting a teenager with ADHD or you are a young person, which part of this resonates with you?
My Son’s Story
Narrative identity theory states that identity is formed from the experiences we have and the stories we tell ourselves. When my son started a new school in year four, I battled with the school to get him medicated.
The psychiatrist was telling me to put him on medication but the school was adamant, ‘There was nothing wrong with him and he was just like all the other boys’.
This was back in 2004. His diagnosis had come as a shock and knowledge about ADHD, particularly the inattentive presentation in boys, was limited. In the end, feeling overpowered and bullied, I gave up on the idea of medication.
By the time my son had reached the end of year 7 he had been asked to leave the school.
The transition from primary to secondary had not been smooth. The demands on his executive functions were overwhelming and despite his sporting ability he was really struggling. By the time he moved schools and started in year 8 I had a prescription and we were ready to start meds.
When behaviour clashes with identity
After two weeks of using meds, my son started to complain that he didn’t feel like ‘himself’. Soon I started to find the tablets down the back of his bed; I was giving them to him and he was hiding them. His reasoning was that he wasn’t popular anymore, he didn’t feel funny and his friends had started to notice he was subdued.
What became clear to me was that medication wasn’t just affecting his behaviour – it was affecting how he saw himself.
Transitioning into secondary school can often lead to complex feelings around identity. Peers may change, friendship groups split and new friends come in. Subjects that were once easy feel hard. Earlier this month during a coaching session a year 7 pupil was trying to explain why she had found her most recent history assignment difficult.
She had sat staring at the bank page for over an hour and then burst into tears. During the session, she began to share that her whole life she had been seen as a ‘nerd’. A nerd, she explained, was someone who always answered questions and who always went above and beyond. With the pressure of timed assessments, she’d become quite stuck, frightened suddenly of failure - a feeling quite new.
Through being academic my client had found value, recognised she was different from her peers and liked it. With challenge, she not only questioned her academic ability, she was questioning her entire identity.
What this means for neurodivergent teens
Being neurodivergent means that you look around at others and struggle to see someone like you. This is why masking can be a solution but in the long term may lead to confusion and burnout. In addition, those fortunate to receive a diagnosis are then left to figure it out themselves. Not only do they feel a little different but now they have confirmation of it. All of these factors group together and make that bumpy ride into adulthood feel more like a rollercoaster.
Supporting young people as identity shifts
The key to all of this is communication. We often assume that certain behaviours are just typical adolescent pitfalls but when recklessness means a desire to fit in with peers or anxiety points at an underlying issue with changing identity, we have to stay curious and offer up time and space to explore the real reasons behind them.
When a young person is holding onto an identity that no longer fits, self-awareness becomes the turning point. That awareness grows when adults stay curious, listen carefully and create space for honest conversations.
Knowing that puberty and transitions can be confusing is comforting. Holding onto old identities such as not finding school work difficult can be damaging. At some point, no matter how bright, the student is going to come across something that challenges them. It’s how they adapt that’s the most important thing.
If you’re parenting a teenager with ADHD or you are a young person, which part of this resonates with you?