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I was unfortunate last week to experience some pretty intense feelings around some criticism To be clear, I’ve NEVER been very good at taking criticism and, unfortunately, in my previous career, criticism, gently packaged as ‘feedback,’ was abundant and therefore, I was always either running scared or trying to make something ‘perfect’ to escape negativity.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
- Recognising the pain and acknowledging just how hard it is to overcome is an amazing first step towards healing. Actively listening to the young person without judgement can be extremely powerful.
- Being kind and sensitive with words can save endless confrontations and pacify meltdowns.
- And finally, settling emotional dysregulation requires patience and curiosity because in the throes of an emotional response all logic goes out of the window. In short, curiosity and compassion are the greatest of antidotes.
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
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