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In this privileged position as a coach and mentor, I have supported many young people as they talk about their coping strategies in an effort to manage their ADHD or AuDHD. Sometimes these are brilliant! Some call them "workarounds," and demonstrate smart thinking and self-awareness. Other clients discuss less than ideal coping strategies, which often centre around motivation. It makes sense that motivation is a key issue, especially in the world of education. Maintaining focus, completing homework, managing deadlines and coursework, education is awash with demands on executive functions and motivation is right at the top of the list.
But, as many of us know, motivation can be a key barrier for those of us with ADHD, myself included. Often, just thinking about what needs to be done can lead to task paralysis and a list of distractions capable of derailing and preventing you from completing that essential or overdue task. So how do young people with ADHD manage this?
The short answer is that they find their own ways of coping and motivating themselves. These strategies or ways of thinking are not always helpful in the long term, nor are they healthy. The term for these is "maladaptive coping strategies," and they often form the basis for what contributes to feeling stuck, stressed, or anxious. During coaching sessions, these are often discussed, and some of them might just surprise you.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is not about achieving perfection; it is about constantly striving for it. I used to think it was about being perfect, but it is more about having an ideal in your head that you would do anything to achieve.
Forgoing sleep, not eating, going above and beyond, being unresponsive to praise because it does not match what is in your head, all of these take their toll and can lead to burnout. So how does it work as a motivator? Just picturing the ideal outcome, imagining the response of those around you, feeling that warm spread of pride and achievement, it can be intoxicating and a very effective motivator. Unfortunately, I often see this cycle of perfectionism play out:
- All or nothing
- Insatiable drive
- Burnout
- Overwhelm
- Try again
Negative Self Talk
One client I had motivated himself to go to the gym or do anything he was reluctant to do by insulting himself, often copying the language used by his playground bullies in Year 7.
This was hard to listen to and centred around feeling less than and lazy. Many clients come to me with the firm belief that they are lazy. Often, they have coped very well throughout school, but without the typical structure of bells and full timetables, they struggle to manage time and independently motivate themselves. They blame themselves for this struggle, and it can be a challenging self belief to change.
Coping strategies that have worked in the past but no longer continue to work can also shake the foundations of a young person’s self belief. They blame themselves for the failure and draw negative conclusions about their ability, their character, and their progress.
Stress Response
As strange as it sounds, stress can be an exceptional motivator. If you are ADHD and have plenty of time to do something, it is almost certain you will leave it to the last minute. Why? Because time pressure causes a stress response, which releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter linked to focus, drive, and reward.
For the ADHD brain, which naturally has lower baseline dopamine activity, that sudden surge can finally create the mental clarity and urgency needed to act. It is why many people with ADHD say they work best under pressure. Unfortunately, this can lead to an over reliance on crisis driven motivation, resulting in cycles of burnout, anxiety, or last minute chaos.
Several of my clients even create a stressful environment on purpose - listening to dramatic classical music or episodes of 'Hell's Kitchen'. That little rise in stress increases dopamine and focus. However, as we know, long term exposure to stress can have a debilitating impact on health and potentially contribute to burnout.
When I am asked why I choose to specialise in working with teenagers, I often think about the maladaptive ways of coping some of them have developed. Helping them improve how they see themselves by reframing their experiences and beliefs can make a huge difference.
So, what can we do as parents / caregivers?
Firstly, understanding their behaviour and beliefs can go a long way toward reducing our own feelings of guilt or frustration. We often feel responsible for their struggles, blaming ourselves or social media, but I would argue that simply knowing why they behave as they do takes the emotion out of it and frees us to become a better source of support.
Secondly, actively listening without interrupting or adding to their feelings of low self worth can be powerful. This might include repeating back phrases they use in conversation or allowing quiet pauses so they can process their feelings.
Finally, ensuring that the basics are in place, exercise, sleep, and food, has a tangible impact on wellbeing. Turning off Wi-Fi, removing electronic devices at night, preparing easy, healthy snacks, and encouraging movement all help fuel them to face challenges and build resilience. Even when they are 17 and 6ft tall, they still benefit from a little structure.
A Note to End On
Helping young people recognise the difference between helpful coping and harmful coping does not just build resilience, it rebuilds self belief. Through coaching, they’re placed firmly in the driver’s seat, supported as they explore healthier, more sustainable ways to cope. It’s a process that helps them see they’re not to blame and that there are far kinder, more effective alternatives.
For more information about these topics, see the links below: For more information on my coaching and academic mentoring services visit my website.
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Links to Research
Taylor, A. et al. (2024). Associations of meeting 24‑H movement behaviour guidelines with cognition and social outcomes in ADHD. *Journal of Attention Disorders.
Perfectionism
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