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I have come across many parents who are trying to do their very best to raise, steer and support their ADHD children. It isn’t easy and the list of things to worry about seem endless. A common worry seems to be about the future and how they will cope with the demands of life and adulthood. Other, more immediate worries centre around school, emotions, motivation and organisation. The response to these challenges vary and in this blog I want to devote some time to the different approaches I see, before discussing what works and what just seems to keep parents and carers in a frustrating cycle.
How easy is it to get into a cycle where you are asking your teen to keep their room tidy, be in on time etc and just find yourself banging your head against a brick wall? Bedrotting and gaming are the two of the most frustrating things to put up with and no matter what you do, it just always ends up in an argument.
I have spoken to many young clients whose parents tidy their room for them daily, who nag them into doing homework, pack their PE kit and are always one step ahead of them, always. I admire them for their management skills but it wasn’t something I could ever have done!
Other parents have more of a hands-off approach partly because perpetual nagging has just exhausted them and a begrudging truce is only slightly less annoying.
So what’s the answer? Does either one approach prepare them forlife? Happy, successful in what they pursue and independent? Is it possible to strike a balance between full-on management and a hands-off approach?
Management
First of all, let’s discuss the pros and cons of close management. Managing your children can sometimes feel like it was never a choice to begin with. If you don’t do it, who will? One big advantage of the ‘management’ style is knowing what’s coming next. No detentions because you nagged them into doing homework. No missed classes or matches because you made a note on the calendar way ahead of time and no lost uniform because you cleaned and tidied their bedroom and they know exactly where everything is. Sounds ideal, until school starts to comment on a lack of independence or motivating your teen into doing anything autonomous becomes the battle of the century.
Hands-off Approach
Then, there’s the hands-off approach. Again, not necessarily something that any parent chooses but the alternative just seems to lead to arguments, swearing and even violence. Pros are that the tension in the household lifts. Yes, you have to put up with nocturnal wanderings, gaming in the middle of the night and perpetual phone calls from school but at least there are no threats, yelling or fear. These situations can happen gradually and creep up on a family. More often than not it’s not a conscious choice to be this way, it’s the strain of ADHD and judgement of these situations helps no-one.
Clearly there are no straight answers here but let me introduce you to two concepts I swear by:
Natural Consequences
Not to be confused with consequences. Consequences can be punishments enforced by the parent or carer. Natural consequences are what happen when the teen in question doesn’t prepare for what’s coming even though they’ve had the opportunity to. Many of us support our ADHD teens and their executive functions, this is good. Waiting for some to come ‘online’ is normal. However, if someone is doing it for them all of the time there’s no reason for them to even try. At some point, they have to do life for themselves.
Natural consequences happen when they forget to pack their kit, forget to tell you about a trip or leave it too late to buy what they need for food tech. They happen when the room is so untidy that they can’t find their phone or it’s so dirty they can’t invite friends over. None of these examples result in anything more serious than disappointment but what it teaches them is that if they don’t do it no-one will. The feeling of frustration at not being able to take part is more of a lesson and a reminder than anything you can say.
Sometimes it can be hard - like watching a car crash in slow motion but it’s necessary because how else can they begin to start thinking about what to avoid next time?
Clear Boundaries
This might seem simple but when you’re living in a warzone, fearful of the next eruption having crystal clear boundaries can help. Although we’d all like to live under the same roof as a teenager without angst it’s not possible. There will be negotiations, pushing of boundaries, sometimes full on psychological warfare! What’s important is that you select your non-negotiable boundaries and you stick to them, no matter what.
The impulsive ADHD teen loves nothing more than to figure out a way to win. The important thing for you to consider is what are you willing to let go and what do you stand firm on? Whatever you decide you have to stick to it. Any wavering, any division between parents will split it all open and you’ll be left powerless. I put up with a nocturnal teen for years but when it began to get violent I knew that was a non-negotiable. I got support from wider family, I dug my heels in, I wouldn’t let my child ‘win’ every round. The main message here is if you need more support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Neither approach is a cure-all. At times, you will find yourself frustrated either way. However, if the ultimate goal is for our children to be happy, successful in whatever they pursue and able to live independently, striking a balance and consistency is key.
At the end of the day, we all want them to thrive, but the doubt we place on their ability to do so directly affects how we respond to them now. Too much control can prevent them from developing confidence in their own abilities, while stepping back entirely may leave them without the support they still need. The difficult bit is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Independence develops gradually, by giving our children enough support to feel secure and enough space to discover what they can do for themselves.
For more information on how coaching can work for you and your teen, drop me a message and let's chat.
How easy is it to get into a cycle where you are asking your teen to keep their room tidy, be in on time etc and just find yourself banging your head against a brick wall? Bedrotting and gaming are the two of the most frustrating things to put up with and no matter what you do, it just always ends up in an argument.
I have spoken to many young clients whose parents tidy their room for them daily, who nag them into doing homework, pack their PE kit and are always one step ahead of them, always. I admire them for their management skills but it wasn’t something I could ever have done!
Other parents have more of a hands-off approach partly because perpetual nagging has just exhausted them and a begrudging truce is only slightly less annoying.
So what’s the answer? Does either one approach prepare them forlife? Happy, successful in what they pursue and independent? Is it possible to strike a balance between full-on management and a hands-off approach?
Management
First of all, let’s discuss the pros and cons of close management. Managing your children can sometimes feel like it was never a choice to begin with. If you don’t do it, who will? One big advantage of the ‘management’ style is knowing what’s coming next. No detentions because you nagged them into doing homework. No missed classes or matches because you made a note on the calendar way ahead of time and no lost uniform because you cleaned and tidied their bedroom and they know exactly where everything is. Sounds ideal, until school starts to comment on a lack of independence or motivating your teen into doing anything autonomous becomes the battle of the century.
Hands-off Approach
Then, there’s the hands-off approach. Again, not necessarily something that any parent chooses but the alternative just seems to lead to arguments, swearing and even violence. Pros are that the tension in the household lifts. Yes, you have to put up with nocturnal wanderings, gaming in the middle of the night and perpetual phone calls from school but at least there are no threats, yelling or fear. These situations can happen gradually and creep up on a family. More often than not it’s not a conscious choice to be this way, it’s the strain of ADHD and judgement of these situations helps no-one.
Clearly there are no straight answers here but let me introduce you to two concepts I swear by:
Natural Consequences
Not to be confused with consequences. Consequences can be punishments enforced by the parent or carer. Natural consequences are what happen when the teen in question doesn’t prepare for what’s coming even though they’ve had the opportunity to. Many of us support our ADHD teens and their executive functions, this is good. Waiting for some to come ‘online’ is normal. However, if someone is doing it for them all of the time there’s no reason for them to even try. At some point, they have to do life for themselves.
Natural consequences happen when they forget to pack their kit, forget to tell you about a trip or leave it too late to buy what they need for food tech. They happen when the room is so untidy that they can’t find their phone or it’s so dirty they can’t invite friends over. None of these examples result in anything more serious than disappointment but what it teaches them is that if they don’t do it no-one will. The feeling of frustration at not being able to take part is more of a lesson and a reminder than anything you can say.
Sometimes it can be hard - like watching a car crash in slow motion but it’s necessary because how else can they begin to start thinking about what to avoid next time?
Clear Boundaries
This might seem simple but when you’re living in a warzone, fearful of the next eruption having crystal clear boundaries can help. Although we’d all like to live under the same roof as a teenager without angst it’s not possible. There will be negotiations, pushing of boundaries, sometimes full on psychological warfare! What’s important is that you select your non-negotiable boundaries and you stick to them, no matter what.
The impulsive ADHD teen loves nothing more than to figure out a way to win. The important thing for you to consider is what are you willing to let go and what do you stand firm on? Whatever you decide you have to stick to it. Any wavering, any division between parents will split it all open and you’ll be left powerless. I put up with a nocturnal teen for years but when it began to get violent I knew that was a non-negotiable. I got support from wider family, I dug my heels in, I wouldn’t let my child ‘win’ every round. The main message here is if you need more support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Neither approach is a cure-all. At times, you will find yourself frustrated either way. However, if the ultimate goal is for our children to be happy, successful in whatever they pursue and able to live independently, striking a balance and consistency is key.
At the end of the day, we all want them to thrive, but the doubt we place on their ability to do so directly affects how we respond to them now. Too much control can prevent them from developing confidence in their own abilities, while stepping back entirely may leave them without the support they still need. The difficult bit is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Independence develops gradually, by giving our children enough support to feel secure and enough space to discover what they can do for themselves.
For more information on how coaching can work for you and your teen, drop me a message and let's chat.
- Published on
It’s the one room of the house we have no real control over: the teenager’s bedroom. If you’re anything like me, you will have admitted defeat part way through age 11 and silently retreated to the other (less rank) part of the house! So what do you do when you open the cupboards and realise there aren’t any glasses or plates left, and that they are, in fact, lying around upstairs in the bedroom of doom conducting their own petri dish experiment?
But here’s the surprise: most of the clients I see below the age of 16 want to talk about how they can finally conquer the problem of the bedroom for themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. For some, having a tidy bedroom means they can finally find what it is they’re looking for; for others, a tidy bedroom equals a tidy mind; and for some, they struggle to sleep if certain micro messes are staring them in the face. And, as you’d expect, they also want less nagging and less shouting!
So how did the problem of the bedroom become so big that it becomes a hot topic for ADHD coaching? Well, really, when you think about it, it’s not about the bedroom at all. What it actually boils down to is executive dysfunction and negative self-perception. Executive function is basically how our brain organises our thoughts and tasks, helps us decide what to do next, manage time, and keep things moving forward, and with ADHD, these processes can feel like juggling invisible balls!
Recently, one of my clients specifically chose the tidying of her bedroom as a topic for a coaching session. We began by establishing why her tidy bedroom was important to her and why being more organised might have a positive impact.
After discussing which elements of tidying bored her the most, we began to rank the jobs from best to worst. Just as we were getting to the real ‘how’ part of the session, my client began to share what had worked and not worked in the past. Having somebody in the room had been helpful. Having music on was unhelpful. Apparently, she had already tried this but had got sidetracked by the playlist. Then we explored other options, such as breaking the job into smaller parts, mixing the ‘bad’ jobs with the ‘best’, and creating a sense of competition.
But then there was a twist. Just as we were establishing a clear way forward, all of a sudden her energy began to shift. She started slumping and sighing and I’m sure at one point there was groaning. In that split second, something had shifted. I brought it up, but she was unsure. Now, when I reflect back, I think she was realising that even with all the strategies that she had just come up with, she was still going to have to do it!
In our next session, I’m going to ask about that because maybe what happened is what happens to many of us - negative self-talk.
‘Why can’t I just tidy it?’
‘Why am I such a failure at this?’
‘How come other people can keep their rooms tidy?’
‘Why am I rubbish?’
Overcoming negative self-perception is a large part of coaching teens. With hormones comes overthinking and, as we all know, being a teenager brings about a strong desire to be like their peers and not stand out. This is why tidying the bedroom is not just about a clean room; it’s symbolic of how something so small can actually represent something much bigger.
I’m not sure how to end this blog, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s about how offers of help might be better, or maybe it’s about just being more aware of how the bedroom can be more symbolic of what’s going on underneath. Either way, it can be tricky, so take every opportunity to spot when your teen does something right. Maybe they have a messy bedroom but can hold a conversation with an adult. Perhaps they leave muddy football boots in the middle of their unmade bed but are intuitive with tons of emotional intelligence. Whatever the state of their bedroom, it’s so important to build their self-belief and challenge negative ways of thinking.
For more information about how coaching can bring out the many qualities of your teen, reach out and let’s talk about how coaching might work for you and your teen.
https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
But here’s the surprise: most of the clients I see below the age of 16 want to talk about how they can finally conquer the problem of the bedroom for themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. For some, having a tidy bedroom means they can finally find what it is they’re looking for; for others, a tidy bedroom equals a tidy mind; and for some, they struggle to sleep if certain micro messes are staring them in the face. And, as you’d expect, they also want less nagging and less shouting!
So how did the problem of the bedroom become so big that it becomes a hot topic for ADHD coaching? Well, really, when you think about it, it’s not about the bedroom at all. What it actually boils down to is executive dysfunction and negative self-perception. Executive function is basically how our brain organises our thoughts and tasks, helps us decide what to do next, manage time, and keep things moving forward, and with ADHD, these processes can feel like juggling invisible balls!
Recently, one of my clients specifically chose the tidying of her bedroom as a topic for a coaching session. We began by establishing why her tidy bedroom was important to her and why being more organised might have a positive impact.
After discussing which elements of tidying bored her the most, we began to rank the jobs from best to worst. Just as we were getting to the real ‘how’ part of the session, my client began to share what had worked and not worked in the past. Having somebody in the room had been helpful. Having music on was unhelpful. Apparently, she had already tried this but had got sidetracked by the playlist. Then we explored other options, such as breaking the job into smaller parts, mixing the ‘bad’ jobs with the ‘best’, and creating a sense of competition.
But then there was a twist. Just as we were establishing a clear way forward, all of a sudden her energy began to shift. She started slumping and sighing and I’m sure at one point there was groaning. In that split second, something had shifted. I brought it up, but she was unsure. Now, when I reflect back, I think she was realising that even with all the strategies that she had just come up with, she was still going to have to do it!
In our next session, I’m going to ask about that because maybe what happened is what happens to many of us - negative self-talk.
‘Why can’t I just tidy it?’
‘Why am I such a failure at this?’
‘How come other people can keep their rooms tidy?’
‘Why am I rubbish?’
Overcoming negative self-perception is a large part of coaching teens. With hormones comes overthinking and, as we all know, being a teenager brings about a strong desire to be like their peers and not stand out. This is why tidying the bedroom is not just about a clean room; it’s symbolic of how something so small can actually represent something much bigger.
I’m not sure how to end this blog, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s about how offers of help might be better, or maybe it’s about just being more aware of how the bedroom can be more symbolic of what’s going on underneath. Either way, it can be tricky, so take every opportunity to spot when your teen does something right. Maybe they have a messy bedroom but can hold a conversation with an adult. Perhaps they leave muddy football boots in the middle of their unmade bed but are intuitive with tons of emotional intelligence. Whatever the state of their bedroom, it’s so important to build their self-belief and challenge negative ways of thinking.
For more information about how coaching can bring out the many qualities of your teen, reach out and let’s talk about how coaching might work for you and your teen.
https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
- Published on
In 2010, we moved from a busy town to the countryside and enrolled our children in the local primary school.
At first it was fine, at least for the first six weeks, then slowly, I started to feel the other mums were talking about me. Some stopped smiling and saying hello and at pick up, I could see other children pointing at my son and mothers holding clandestine conversations with other mums.
It was a fact: we were the new family in the village and yes, we were the owners of the ‘naughtiest’ boy in the school.
School Struggles
At home, behaviour hadn’t been that big of a problem but at school it was a different story.
In short, it was a slog getting my son through school. Phone calls, meetings, threats, report cards, detentions, behaviour points, the list goes on.
Here’s where I went wrong with punishment:
1. I attempted to double punish my son. What was given out at school, I would back up at home. Sometimes, I would even contact school and tell them what I’d done.
2. I would fight fire with fire. He would come home knowing that there would be more repercussions and would be ready for an argument which quickly escalated.
3.I would always assume that it was wilful instead of neurobiological!
The Shame and the Shift
Perhaps you’re reading this and recognising some of your story in mine which is why this blog is going to centre around something that troubles most parents daily - punishment. I used to feel that punishment was key, that it was my duty as a parent to support school and punish at home as best as I could to show solidarity and responsible parenting.
Now, when I look back, I realise that a lot of my actions were down to shame and embarrassment. Ashamed because of the judgement, embarrassed because of the flooded bathrooms among other incidents!
Except now when I think about it, a lot of my son’s impulsivity and inattention was down to his ADHD and a lot of my shame and fear of judgment was down to my ADHD.
What a mix!
So, now when I am asked by parents about how to improve behaviour and manage phone calls from school, I have a completely different set of answers compared to answers I would have given ten years ago.
Re-thinking Punishment
The truth is research and experts will tell you that punishing a child with ADHD is very different to that of a neurotypical child. Many experts will say that punishment in itself is pretty futile and ill advised, and I would agree that praise and reward in any setting - home or school - is far far more effective than just punishment alone. With greater understanding of ADHD, it is possible to introduce a combination of consequences and rewards to get the very best results.
The Three Cs: Consequences, Calm Communication, and Consistency
Consequences
Some children with ADHD are very reward-driven, others are more sensitive to criticism or punishment. Often it’s a combination of both.
As effective as rewards are, sometimes as parents we ‘dangle a carrot’ in order to motivate our children. However, a child with ADHD is quite often time blind so that a reward for the end of the week can feel too far away and it quickly loses its appeal.
Similarly, taking a reward away for a separate misdemeanour when a child has been working towards something can feel devastating and will do more damage than good. Making rewards timely, inexpensive and frequent works better than a big reward at the end of the week.
Natural consequences
Often letting your child struggle with natural consequences can be more effective than punishments alone. For example, forgetting a PE kit means no PE. Sounds harsh but these can have a positive impact in the long run.
Praise when least expected
Praise delivered in a specific way can completely transform a mood and encourage better behaviour. For example, ‘You got ready on time’ or ‘that’s good planning’. We all like praise but we really like it when someone notices the small efforts and recognises us for it.
Calm Communication
If your child is sensitive to criticism and often responds angrily or emotionally, then timing and delivery is key.
If they seem to be defensive and angry, leave it. If you begin the conversation sounding frustrated and with a raised voice, forget it, you will not get anywhere. Instead, choose your moment, even if it’s a few days later.
Model your regulation, talk about it: ‘I was angry yesterday so I didn’t speak to you about it. I’ve calmed down now and given myself some time to think…’ Model the fact that it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated but it is possible to manage those feelings and arrive at a better place. We have all been there when our child is refusing to accept responsibility. It’s not that they really reject their behaviour, it just hurts more than most to accept it.
My other top tip is to choose a neutral location for your chats. A car or a walk works really well. There’s early evidence in studies to suggest that side by side therapy can boost comfort, open up the possibility of disclosure and improve engagement.
Consistency
When flexibility and compromise is used regularly to support your ADHD child, knowing your boundaries as a parent is essential. Being consistent with certain boundaries protects you from resenting your child and makes it very clear that certain rules are set in stone. For me it was abusive language and violence of any kind. Not to say this never happened, but in my mind, they were the actions that needed to be taken seriously because what seems bad in a 12 year old is a whole different ball game when they’re 16 and 6ft 2.
Having two parents who are on the same page as each other also leads to better consistency and a united front. When consequences or praise are predictable, then the child is more likely to work towards that praise or avoid the action that they know will inevitably come. Besides, unpredictability can often be a welcome dopamine hit so removing that as a possibility saves everyone a lot of time!
The Pushback and the Payoff
Whatever changes you make moving forward, make sure that you’re prepared for the push back. With any change there will be some kind of response from the child as they might feel suddenly disempowered or insecure. Stick with it. This is where following the three Cs can be really beneficial.
Finally, acknowledging that it’s hard for them is important but also recognising that it’s hard for you too is equally important. Avoid the shame, it didn’t serve me and it won’t serve you. Your child can be challenging but whose child isn’t? If this resonates or you are keen to understand more, I help mums and dads find calmer, more confident ways to parent their ADHD children through coaching.
Click the link and book our chat!
At first it was fine, at least for the first six weeks, then slowly, I started to feel the other mums were talking about me. Some stopped smiling and saying hello and at pick up, I could see other children pointing at my son and mothers holding clandestine conversations with other mums.
It was a fact: we were the new family in the village and yes, we were the owners of the ‘naughtiest’ boy in the school.
School Struggles
At home, behaviour hadn’t been that big of a problem but at school it was a different story.
In short, it was a slog getting my son through school. Phone calls, meetings, threats, report cards, detentions, behaviour points, the list goes on.
Here’s where I went wrong with punishment:
1. I attempted to double punish my son. What was given out at school, I would back up at home. Sometimes, I would even contact school and tell them what I’d done.
2. I would fight fire with fire. He would come home knowing that there would be more repercussions and would be ready for an argument which quickly escalated.
3.I would always assume that it was wilful instead of neurobiological!
The Shame and the Shift
Perhaps you’re reading this and recognising some of your story in mine which is why this blog is going to centre around something that troubles most parents daily - punishment. I used to feel that punishment was key, that it was my duty as a parent to support school and punish at home as best as I could to show solidarity and responsible parenting.
Now, when I look back, I realise that a lot of my actions were down to shame and embarrassment. Ashamed because of the judgement, embarrassed because of the flooded bathrooms among other incidents!
Except now when I think about it, a lot of my son’s impulsivity and inattention was down to his ADHD and a lot of my shame and fear of judgment was down to my ADHD.
What a mix!
So, now when I am asked by parents about how to improve behaviour and manage phone calls from school, I have a completely different set of answers compared to answers I would have given ten years ago.
Re-thinking Punishment
The truth is research and experts will tell you that punishing a child with ADHD is very different to that of a neurotypical child. Many experts will say that punishment in itself is pretty futile and ill advised, and I would agree that praise and reward in any setting - home or school - is far far more effective than just punishment alone. With greater understanding of ADHD, it is possible to introduce a combination of consequences and rewards to get the very best results.
The Three Cs: Consequences, Calm Communication, and Consistency
Consequences
Some children with ADHD are very reward-driven, others are more sensitive to criticism or punishment. Often it’s a combination of both.
As effective as rewards are, sometimes as parents we ‘dangle a carrot’ in order to motivate our children. However, a child with ADHD is quite often time blind so that a reward for the end of the week can feel too far away and it quickly loses its appeal.
Similarly, taking a reward away for a separate misdemeanour when a child has been working towards something can feel devastating and will do more damage than good. Making rewards timely, inexpensive and frequent works better than a big reward at the end of the week.
Natural consequences
Often letting your child struggle with natural consequences can be more effective than punishments alone. For example, forgetting a PE kit means no PE. Sounds harsh but these can have a positive impact in the long run.
Praise when least expected
Praise delivered in a specific way can completely transform a mood and encourage better behaviour. For example, ‘You got ready on time’ or ‘that’s good planning’. We all like praise but we really like it when someone notices the small efforts and recognises us for it.
Calm Communication
If your child is sensitive to criticism and often responds angrily or emotionally, then timing and delivery is key.
If they seem to be defensive and angry, leave it. If you begin the conversation sounding frustrated and with a raised voice, forget it, you will not get anywhere. Instead, choose your moment, even if it’s a few days later.
Model your regulation, talk about it: ‘I was angry yesterday so I didn’t speak to you about it. I’ve calmed down now and given myself some time to think…’ Model the fact that it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated but it is possible to manage those feelings and arrive at a better place. We have all been there when our child is refusing to accept responsibility. It’s not that they really reject their behaviour, it just hurts more than most to accept it.
My other top tip is to choose a neutral location for your chats. A car or a walk works really well. There’s early evidence in studies to suggest that side by side therapy can boost comfort, open up the possibility of disclosure and improve engagement.
Consistency
When flexibility and compromise is used regularly to support your ADHD child, knowing your boundaries as a parent is essential. Being consistent with certain boundaries protects you from resenting your child and makes it very clear that certain rules are set in stone. For me it was abusive language and violence of any kind. Not to say this never happened, but in my mind, they were the actions that needed to be taken seriously because what seems bad in a 12 year old is a whole different ball game when they’re 16 and 6ft 2.
Having two parents who are on the same page as each other also leads to better consistency and a united front. When consequences or praise are predictable, then the child is more likely to work towards that praise or avoid the action that they know will inevitably come. Besides, unpredictability can often be a welcome dopamine hit so removing that as a possibility saves everyone a lot of time!
The Pushback and the Payoff
Whatever changes you make moving forward, make sure that you’re prepared for the push back. With any change there will be some kind of response from the child as they might feel suddenly disempowered or insecure. Stick with it. This is where following the three Cs can be really beneficial.
Finally, acknowledging that it’s hard for them is important but also recognising that it’s hard for you too is equally important. Avoid the shame, it didn’t serve me and it won’t serve you. Your child can be challenging but whose child isn’t? If this resonates or you are keen to understand more, I help mums and dads find calmer, more confident ways to parent their ADHD children through coaching.
Click the link and book our chat!
- Published on
In this privileged position as a coach and mentor, I have supported many young people as they talk about their coping strategies in an effort to manage their ADHD or AuDHD. Sometimes these are brilliant! Some call them "workarounds," and demonstrate smart thinking and self-awareness. Other clients discuss less than ideal coping strategies, which often centre around motivation. It makes sense that motivation is a key issue, especially in the world of education. Maintaining focus, completing homework, managing deadlines and coursework, education is awash with demands on executive functions and motivation is right at the top of the list.
But, as many of us know, motivation can be a key barrier for those of us with ADHD, myself included. Often, just thinking about what needs to be done can lead to task paralysis and a list of distractions capable of derailing and preventing you from completing that essential or overdue task. So how do young people with ADHD manage this?
The short answer is that they find their own ways of coping and motivating themselves. These strategies or ways of thinking are not always helpful in the long term, nor are they healthy. The term for these is "maladaptive coping strategies," and they often form the basis for what contributes to feeling stuck, stressed, or anxious. During coaching sessions, these are often discussed, and some of them might just surprise you.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is not about achieving perfection; it is about constantly striving for it. I used to think it was about being perfect, but it is more about having an ideal in your head that you would do anything to achieve.
Forgoing sleep, not eating, going above and beyond, being unresponsive to praise because it does not match what is in your head, all of these take their toll and can lead to burnout. So how does it work as a motivator? Just picturing the ideal outcome, imagining the response of those around you, feeling that warm spread of pride and achievement, it can be intoxicating and a very effective motivator. Unfortunately, I often see this cycle of perfectionism play out:
- All or nothing
- Insatiable drive
- Burnout
- Overwhelm
- Try again
Negative Self Talk
One client I had motivated himself to go to the gym or do anything he was reluctant to do by insulting himself, often copying the language used by his playground bullies in Year 7.
This was hard to listen to and centred around feeling less than and lazy. Many clients come to me with the firm belief that they are lazy. Often, they have coped very well throughout school, but without the typical structure of bells and full timetables, they struggle to manage time and independently motivate themselves. They blame themselves for this struggle, and it can be a challenging self belief to change.
Coping strategies that have worked in the past but no longer continue to work can also shake the foundations of a young person’s self belief. They blame themselves for the failure and draw negative conclusions about their ability, their character, and their progress.
Stress Response
As strange as it sounds, stress can be an exceptional motivator. If you are ADHD and have plenty of time to do something, it is almost certain you will leave it to the last minute. Why? Because time pressure causes a stress response, which releases dopamine, the neurotransmitter linked to focus, drive, and reward.
For the ADHD brain, which naturally has lower baseline dopamine activity, that sudden surge can finally create the mental clarity and urgency needed to act. It is why many people with ADHD say they work best under pressure. Unfortunately, this can lead to an over reliance on crisis driven motivation, resulting in cycles of burnout, anxiety, or last minute chaos.
Several of my clients even create a stressful environment on purpose - listening to dramatic classical music or episodes of 'Hell's Kitchen'. That little rise in stress increases dopamine and focus. However, as we know, long term exposure to stress can have a debilitating impact on health and potentially contribute to burnout.
When I am asked why I choose to specialise in working with teenagers, I often think about the maladaptive ways of coping some of them have developed. Helping them improve how they see themselves by reframing their experiences and beliefs can make a huge difference.
So, what can we do as parents / caregivers?
Firstly, understanding their behaviour and beliefs can go a long way toward reducing our own feelings of guilt or frustration. We often feel responsible for their struggles, blaming ourselves or social media, but I would argue that simply knowing why they behave as they do takes the emotion out of it and frees us to become a better source of support.
Secondly, actively listening without interrupting or adding to their feelings of low self worth can be powerful. This might include repeating back phrases they use in conversation or allowing quiet pauses so they can process their feelings.
Finally, ensuring that the basics are in place, exercise, sleep, and food, has a tangible impact on wellbeing. Turning off Wi-Fi, removing electronic devices at night, preparing easy, healthy snacks, and encouraging movement all help fuel them to face challenges and build resilience. Even when they are 17 and 6ft tall, they still benefit from a little structure.
A Note to End On
Helping young people recognise the difference between helpful coping and harmful coping does not just build resilience, it rebuilds self belief. Through coaching, they’re placed firmly in the driver’s seat, supported as they explore healthier, more sustainable ways to cope. It’s a process that helps them see they’re not to blame and that there are far kinder, more effective alternatives.
For more information about these topics, see the links below: For more information on my coaching and academic mentoring services visit my website.
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Links to Research
Taylor, A. et al. (2024). Associations of meeting 24‑H movement behaviour guidelines with cognition and social outcomes in ADHD. *Journal of Attention Disorders.
Perfectionism
- Published on
I was unfortunate last week to experience some pretty intense feelings around some criticism To be clear, I’ve NEVER been very good at taking criticism and, unfortunately, in my previous career, criticism, gently packaged as ‘feedback,’ was abundant and therefore, I was always either running scared or trying to make something ‘perfect’ to escape negativity.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
- Recognising the pain and acknowledging just how hard it is to overcome is an amazing first step towards healing. Actively listening to the young person without judgement can be extremely powerful.
- Being kind and sensitive with words can save endless confrontations and pacify meltdowns.
- And finally, settling emotional dysregulation requires patience and curiosity because in the throes of an emotional response all logic goes out of the window. In short, curiosity and compassion are the greatest of antidotes.
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.