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Does your child mask at school but fall apart at home?
What happens at home often looks nothing like what school sees. In addition, when it comes to gathering evidence from school for a diagnosis, masking can massively get in the way of that evidence.
I am a parent to two grown children - one was a masker and the other wasn’t. Can you guess which one was diagnosed aged seven and the other when they were twenty one? My son was never a masker at school, sometimes I wish he had been, maybe then I wouldn’t have received hundreds of calls about his behaviour! My daughter, on the other hand, masked at school then blew up at home. Teachers definitely didn’t see what we could.
What masking looks like in ADHD and autistic children
So what is it? Masking is the act of suppressing or concealing neurodivergent traits in order to appear neurotypical. Masking in school is common for ADHD and autistic children, especially those who appear to be coping but fall apart at home. It doesn’t take very long to realise that you’re different to others. In fact children are often quite scathing towards any other class member who appears different or who doesn’t act in the same way as they do. So as a survival strategy, masking can protect the individual from rejection and prevent negative attention.
There are various forms of masking - the type that is quiet, withdrawn, keeps their social circle small etc. Then there is the opposite - loud, gregarious, popular. Over the years, I’ve met both kinds and everything in between. Whilst the quiet masker keeps themselves safe by trying to disappear into the background, the louder masker uses their behaviour to act as a decoy. What both have in common is that, at some point, the mask falls away and then they feel completely exhausted.
When the mask drops: exhaustion and meltdowns
Sometimes that exhaustion appears through naps, isolation and monosyllabic conversations. Others will blow up and take that frustration and energy that’s been building all day and unleash it at home.. This accounts for the ‘coke-bottle effect’ when they suddenly change from calm to explosive.
How parents can support a child who is masking
How we support them is by first looking for any signs of exhaustion from masking. Taking it a stage further, asking gentle questions about school or college, maybe about what they’re finding hard or who they’re friends with is worth persevering with. Conversations in the car work particularly well because there is something else to focus on through the windows making communication flow a little better. Whatever you talk about and where nothing is more essential than choosing the right moment.
If they are overwhelmed, tired or angry you won’t get anywhere, but equally, if they’re having a good time and happy, bringing up school will just act as cold water and shut them down. This is where your intuition can really help. Remember, a single conversation will not cure masking but opening up channels of communication is never a bad idea. Often friendships can reveal what’s going on. If they’re able to be themselves around their friends that’s a great sign but if they’re anxious about socialising, looking a certain way or if friendships break down, they may be masking with their friends too.
It’s also a good idea to stay in touch with school and to let them know if you suspect your child might be masking. Referrals for ADHD or autism rely on the evidence of teachers so if they are masking, there’s a high chance that school will be unable to provide evidence. Having a key person to reach out to and discuss masking can help both you and your child. School can also provide support so that your child can access respite and potentially drop the mask for a time. Ask about a quiet place that your child can go to so that they’re not carrying the load throughout the day.
Stimming: what happens when children finally feel safe
You may also see your child ‘stim’ once the mask drops. Stimming is when a person repeatedly makes the same movements or sounds.What I love in coaching is when the young person slowly takes down the ‘mask’ and their true personality starts to shine through, including stims! I know when we’ve connected because sometimes I’ll be stimming at the same time they are. Sounds odd but really we’re talking about us both humming or making a noise - maybe you have to be there!
Masking is not a behaviour problem, a parenting failure or a phase to be fixed. It’s a coping strategy, and often a costly one. When children spend their days holding it together, it makes sense that home becomes the place where everything spills out. The goal isn’t to force the mask off, but to notice the signs, reduce the pressure where we can and help them feel safe enough to be themselves, in school and out. When adults understand masking, we stop dismissing what parents see and start understanding them better.
If this resonates, I’ve put together a small bundle of practical resources for Christmas. They’re designed to support neurodivergent children who are tired, overwhelmed or masking and to support parents as they support their kids and communicate with schools. You can find the details below:
What happens at home often looks nothing like what school sees. In addition, when it comes to gathering evidence from school for a diagnosis, masking can massively get in the way of that evidence.
I am a parent to two grown children - one was a masker and the other wasn’t. Can you guess which one was diagnosed aged seven and the other when they were twenty one? My son was never a masker at school, sometimes I wish he had been, maybe then I wouldn’t have received hundreds of calls about his behaviour! My daughter, on the other hand, masked at school then blew up at home. Teachers definitely didn’t see what we could.
What masking looks like in ADHD and autistic children
So what is it? Masking is the act of suppressing or concealing neurodivergent traits in order to appear neurotypical. Masking in school is common for ADHD and autistic children, especially those who appear to be coping but fall apart at home. It doesn’t take very long to realise that you’re different to others. In fact children are often quite scathing towards any other class member who appears different or who doesn’t act in the same way as they do. So as a survival strategy, masking can protect the individual from rejection and prevent negative attention.
There are various forms of masking - the type that is quiet, withdrawn, keeps their social circle small etc. Then there is the opposite - loud, gregarious, popular. Over the years, I’ve met both kinds and everything in between. Whilst the quiet masker keeps themselves safe by trying to disappear into the background, the louder masker uses their behaviour to act as a decoy. What both have in common is that, at some point, the mask falls away and then they feel completely exhausted.
When the mask drops: exhaustion and meltdowns
Sometimes that exhaustion appears through naps, isolation and monosyllabic conversations. Others will blow up and take that frustration and energy that’s been building all day and unleash it at home.. This accounts for the ‘coke-bottle effect’ when they suddenly change from calm to explosive.
How parents can support a child who is masking
How we support them is by first looking for any signs of exhaustion from masking. Taking it a stage further, asking gentle questions about school or college, maybe about what they’re finding hard or who they’re friends with is worth persevering with. Conversations in the car work particularly well because there is something else to focus on through the windows making communication flow a little better. Whatever you talk about and where nothing is more essential than choosing the right moment.
If they are overwhelmed, tired or angry you won’t get anywhere, but equally, if they’re having a good time and happy, bringing up school will just act as cold water and shut them down. This is where your intuition can really help. Remember, a single conversation will not cure masking but opening up channels of communication is never a bad idea. Often friendships can reveal what’s going on. If they’re able to be themselves around their friends that’s a great sign but if they’re anxious about socialising, looking a certain way or if friendships break down, they may be masking with their friends too.
It’s also a good idea to stay in touch with school and to let them know if you suspect your child might be masking. Referrals for ADHD or autism rely on the evidence of teachers so if they are masking, there’s a high chance that school will be unable to provide evidence. Having a key person to reach out to and discuss masking can help both you and your child. School can also provide support so that your child can access respite and potentially drop the mask for a time. Ask about a quiet place that your child can go to so that they’re not carrying the load throughout the day.
Stimming: what happens when children finally feel safe
You may also see your child ‘stim’ once the mask drops. Stimming is when a person repeatedly makes the same movements or sounds.What I love in coaching is when the young person slowly takes down the ‘mask’ and their true personality starts to shine through, including stims! I know when we’ve connected because sometimes I’ll be stimming at the same time they are. Sounds odd but really we’re talking about us both humming or making a noise - maybe you have to be there!
Masking is not a behaviour problem, a parenting failure or a phase to be fixed. It’s a coping strategy, and often a costly one. When children spend their days holding it together, it makes sense that home becomes the place where everything spills out. The goal isn’t to force the mask off, but to notice the signs, reduce the pressure where we can and help them feel safe enough to be themselves, in school and out. When adults understand masking, we stop dismissing what parents see and start understanding them better.
If this resonates, I’ve put together a small bundle of practical resources for Christmas. They’re designed to support neurodivergent children who are tired, overwhelmed or masking and to support parents as they support their kids and communicate with schools. You can find the details below:
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