- Published on
I was unfortunate last week to experience some pretty intense feelings around some criticism To be clear, I’ve NEVER been very good at taking criticism and, unfortunately, in my previous career, criticism, gently packaged as ‘feedback,’ was abundant and therefore, I was always either running scared or trying to make something ‘perfect’ to escape negativity.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
- Recognising the pain and acknowledging just how hard it is to overcome is an amazing first step towards healing. Actively listening to the young person without judgement can be extremely powerful.
- Being kind and sensitive with words can save endless confrontations and pacify meltdowns.
- And finally, settling emotional dysregulation requires patience and curiosity because in the throes of an emotional response all logic goes out of the window. In short, curiosity and compassion are the greatest of antidotes.
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
- Published on
You know the one. Your stomach drops. Your heart races. Your child’s in trouble and you’re not sure what to say next.
I’ve been the teacher making the call… and the parent receiving it.
What should you say at that moment?
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
What do you say to your child for the best?
Okay, so let’s break this down:
What should you say in that moment?
Sometimes it is appropriate to say very little - as my friend is fond of saying, ‘Keep your powder dry’. Gather the facts, ask some questions, ask if it is okay to call back once you have spoken to your child. Thank them for their time. In the past, I would have been very apologetic and sometimes that was appropriate but at other times, perhaps it wasn’t. For example, when my son flooded the school bathroom - that definitely warranted an apology, but when he was rude to some year 6 pupils and then dragged in front of the whole class to apologise - that wasn't. That’s why it’s important to receive the call and then possibly react later when you know a little more.
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
Firstly there are your feelings, perhaps you feel embarrassed, angry or even ashamed? I know, I went through all three of these and then felt despair when what I thought had worked in the past would work again - and it didn’t. When I go into schools to train, I urge schools to put time and energy into having ‘pupil advocates’ - someone who gets to know the child and the family so that when these calls happen there is no blame or unrealistic expectations. Instead there will be empathy for the parent and a cohesive plan that will ensure school and home work together to reach a point where things can move forward.
What do you say to your child for the best?
There is only ONE rule in my book. Do not undermine school or the teacher. I know this is hard, I know that the impulse to protect and defend is strong and I know there are two sides to every story. However, if you do undermine the school, you are diluting the school’s authority and that rarely ends well. The child will think that home will defend them no matter what and this won’t be a deterrent. Even if you do disagree with the school, do not say it to your child, say it to anyone else who will listen, get those frustrations out but keep it under wraps. I liken it to having two parents - one who you got to because you know they will say yes and the other you avoid because you know it’ll be a no. It has to be a united front to get the best outcome.
Finally, when those feelings of shame and embarrassment raise their heads, remember you are doing the best you can. School is a tough environment for our neurodivergent kids and they are learning through their mistakes which is the most effective way of learning in the long run.
Interested in learning more about how to support your child in school or college? Join myself and Lindsay Rocke (The ADHD Big Sister) on the 22nd June 3pm for a a chance to ask questions about how to support and protect family life with ADHD. You can find the link in all of my socials.
I’ve been the teacher making the call… and the parent receiving it.
What should you say at that moment?
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
What do you say to your child for the best?
Okay, so let’s break this down:
What should you say in that moment?
Sometimes it is appropriate to say very little - as my friend is fond of saying, ‘Keep your powder dry’. Gather the facts, ask some questions, ask if it is okay to call back once you have spoken to your child. Thank them for their time. In the past, I would have been very apologetic and sometimes that was appropriate but at other times, perhaps it wasn’t. For example, when my son flooded the school bathroom - that definitely warranted an apology, but when he was rude to some year 6 pupils and then dragged in front of the whole class to apologise - that wasn't. That’s why it’s important to receive the call and then possibly react later when you know a little more.
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
Firstly there are your feelings, perhaps you feel embarrassed, angry or even ashamed? I know, I went through all three of these and then felt despair when what I thought had worked in the past would work again - and it didn’t. When I go into schools to train, I urge schools to put time and energy into having ‘pupil advocates’ - someone who gets to know the child and the family so that when these calls happen there is no blame or unrealistic expectations. Instead there will be empathy for the parent and a cohesive plan that will ensure school and home work together to reach a point where things can move forward.
What do you say to your child for the best?
There is only ONE rule in my book. Do not undermine school or the teacher. I know this is hard, I know that the impulse to protect and defend is strong and I know there are two sides to every story. However, if you do undermine the school, you are diluting the school’s authority and that rarely ends well. The child will think that home will defend them no matter what and this won’t be a deterrent. Even if you do disagree with the school, do not say it to your child, say it to anyone else who will listen, get those frustrations out but keep it under wraps. I liken it to having two parents - one who you got to because you know they will say yes and the other you avoid because you know it’ll be a no. It has to be a united front to get the best outcome.
Finally, when those feelings of shame and embarrassment raise their heads, remember you are doing the best you can. School is a tough environment for our neurodivergent kids and they are learning through their mistakes which is the most effective way of learning in the long run.
Interested in learning more about how to support your child in school or college? Join myself and Lindsay Rocke (The ADHD Big Sister) on the 22nd June 3pm for a a chance to ask questions about how to support and protect family life with ADHD. You can find the link in all of my socials.
- Published on
“ADHD is just an excuse.”
“She’s putting it on.”
“They’re just choosing to be naughty.”
I wish I could tell you these were comments I heard 25 years ago when I first started teaching. But the truth is, I still hear them. All the time. In schools and colleges, both in classrooms and staff rooms, understanding and tolerance vary widely. And not just toward pupils. Teachers, too, often bear the weight of misunderstanding. Teaching is a profession under immense pressure. I honestly can’t think of another job where, after years of training, you’re expected to spend your entire career proving you’re qualified to do it. That pressure shouldn't fall on the children being taught, but inevitably it does. Kindness is in short supply in many schools. Everyone suffers because of it.
Let’s rewind to 620 BC. Aesop told the fable of The North Wind and the Sun. In it, the wind and the sun argue about who is stronger. They decide to settle it by seeing who can get a man to remove his coat.
The North Wind blows and blows, fierce and relentless, but the man only pulls his coat tighter.
Then the Sun takes its turn. It shines gently, growing steadily warmer, until the man removes his coat on his own. The lesson? Gentleness and kind persuasion achieve what force and pressure never can. And in today’s classrooms, that lesson has never been more relevant.
If you’re ready to shift from force to understanding, whether you're a parent, teacher, or school leader -
can help. I offer coaching, academic mentoring, and training that supports neurodivergent students with compassion and practical strategies that work. Let’s bring more kindness into education, one conversation at a time. You can also purchase my study on undiagnosed girls in the classroom for £2.99 here.
“She’s putting it on.”
“They’re just choosing to be naughty.”
I wish I could tell you these were comments I heard 25 years ago when I first started teaching. But the truth is, I still hear them. All the time. In schools and colleges, both in classrooms and staff rooms, understanding and tolerance vary widely. And not just toward pupils. Teachers, too, often bear the weight of misunderstanding. Teaching is a profession under immense pressure. I honestly can’t think of another job where, after years of training, you’re expected to spend your entire career proving you’re qualified to do it. That pressure shouldn't fall on the children being taught, but inevitably it does. Kindness is in short supply in many schools. Everyone suffers because of it.
Let’s rewind to 620 BC. Aesop told the fable of The North Wind and the Sun. In it, the wind and the sun argue about who is stronger. They decide to settle it by seeing who can get a man to remove his coat.
The North Wind blows and blows, fierce and relentless, but the man only pulls his coat tighter.
Then the Sun takes its turn. It shines gently, growing steadily warmer, until the man removes his coat on his own. The lesson? Gentleness and kind persuasion achieve what force and pressure never can. And in today’s classrooms, that lesson has never been more relevant.
If you’re ready to shift from force to understanding, whether you're a parent, teacher, or school leader -
can help. I offer coaching, academic mentoring, and training that supports neurodivergent students with compassion and practical strategies that work. Let’s bring more kindness into education, one conversation at a time. You can also purchase my study on undiagnosed girls in the classroom for £2.99 here.