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In 2010, we moved from a busy town to the countryside and enrolled our children in the local primary school.
At first it was fine, at least for the first six weeks, then slowly, I started to feel the other mums were talking about me. Some stopped smiling and saying hello and at pick up, I could see other children pointing at my son and mothers holding clandestine conversations with other mums.
It was a fact: we were the new family in the village and yes, we were the owners of the ‘naughtiest’ boy in the school.
School Struggles
At home, behaviour hadn’t been that big of a problem but at school it was a different story.
In short, it was a slog getting my son through school. Phone calls, meetings, threats, report cards, detentions, behaviour points, the list goes on.
Here’s where I went wrong with punishment:
1. I attempted to double punish my son. What was given out at school, I would back up at home. Sometimes, I would even contact school and tell them what I’d done.
2. I would fight fire with fire. He would come home knowing that there would be more repercussions and would be ready for an argument which quickly escalated.
3.I would always assume that it was wilful instead of neurobiological!
The Shame and the Shift
Perhaps you’re reading this and recognising some of your story in mine which is why this blog is going to centre around something that troubles most parents daily - punishment. I used to feel that punishment was key, that it was my duty as a parent to support school and punish at home as best as I could to show solidarity and responsible parenting.
Now, when I look back, I realise that a lot of my actions were down to shame and embarrassment. Ashamed because of the judgement, embarrassed because of the flooded bathrooms among other incidents!
Except now when I think about it, a lot of my son’s impulsivity and inattention was down to his ADHD and a lot of my shame and fear of judgment was down to my ADHD.
What a mix!
So, now when I am asked by parents about how to improve behaviour and manage phone calls from school, I have a completely different set of answers compared to answers I would have given ten years ago.
Re-thinking Punishment
The truth is research and experts will tell you that punishing a child with ADHD is very different to that of a neurotypical child. Many experts will say that punishment in itself is pretty futile and ill advised, and I would agree that praise and reward in any setting - home or school - is far far more effective than just punishment alone. With greater understanding of ADHD, it is possible to introduce a combination of consequences and rewards to get the very best results.
The Three Cs: Consequences, Calm Communication, and Consistency
Consequences
Some children with ADHD are very reward-driven, others are more sensitive to criticism or punishment. Often it’s a combination of both.
As effective as rewards are, sometimes as parents we ‘dangle a carrot’ in order to motivate our children. However, a child with ADHD is quite often time blind so that a reward for the end of the week can feel too far away and it quickly loses its appeal.
Similarly, taking a reward away for a separate misdemeanour when a child has been working towards something can feel devastating and will do more damage than good. Making rewards timely, inexpensive and frequent works better than a big reward at the end of the week.
Natural consequences
Often letting your child struggle with natural consequences can be more effective than punishments alone. For example, forgetting a PE kit means no PE. Sounds harsh but these can have a positive impact in the long run.
Praise when least expected
Praise delivered in a specific way can completely transform a mood and encourage better behaviour. For example, ‘You got ready on time’ or ‘that’s good planning’. We all like praise but we really like it when someone notices the small efforts and recognises us for it.
Calm Communication
If your child is sensitive to criticism and often responds angrily or emotionally, then timing and delivery is key.
If they seem to be defensive and angry, leave it. If you begin the conversation sounding frustrated and with a raised voice, forget it, you will not get anywhere. Instead, choose your moment, even if it’s a few days later.
Model your regulation, talk about it: ‘I was angry yesterday so I didn’t speak to you about it. I’ve calmed down now and given myself some time to think…’ Model the fact that it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated but it is possible to manage those feelings and arrive at a better place. We have all been there when our child is refusing to accept responsibility. It’s not that they really reject their behaviour, it just hurts more than most to accept it.
My other top tip is to choose a neutral location for your chats. A car or a walk works really well. There’s early evidence in studies to suggest that side by side therapy can boost comfort, open up the possibility of disclosure and improve engagement.
Consistency
When flexibility and compromise is used regularly to support your ADHD child, knowing your boundaries as a parent is essential. Being consistent with certain boundaries protects you from resenting your child and makes it very clear that certain rules are set in stone. For me it was abusive language and violence of any kind. Not to say this never happened, but in my mind, they were the actions that needed to be taken seriously because what seems bad in a 12 year old is a whole different ball game when they’re 16 and 6ft 2.
Having two parents who are on the same page as each other also leads to better consistency and a united front. When consequences or praise are predictable, then the child is more likely to work towards that praise or avoid the action that they know will inevitably come. Besides, unpredictability can often be a welcome dopamine hit so removing that as a possibility saves everyone a lot of time!
The Pushback and the Payoff
Whatever changes you make moving forward, make sure that you’re prepared for the push back. With any change there will be some kind of response from the child as they might feel suddenly disempowered or insecure. Stick with it. This is where following the three Cs can be really beneficial.
Finally, acknowledging that it’s hard for them is important but also recognising that it’s hard for you too is equally important. Avoid the shame, it didn’t serve me and it won’t serve you. Your child can be challenging but whose child isn’t? If this resonates or you are keen to understand more, I help mums and dads find calmer, more confident ways to parent their ADHD children through coaching.
Click the link and book our chat!
At first it was fine, at least for the first six weeks, then slowly, I started to feel the other mums were talking about me. Some stopped smiling and saying hello and at pick up, I could see other children pointing at my son and mothers holding clandestine conversations with other mums.
It was a fact: we were the new family in the village and yes, we were the owners of the ‘naughtiest’ boy in the school.
School Struggles
At home, behaviour hadn’t been that big of a problem but at school it was a different story.
In short, it was a slog getting my son through school. Phone calls, meetings, threats, report cards, detentions, behaviour points, the list goes on.
Here’s where I went wrong with punishment:
1. I attempted to double punish my son. What was given out at school, I would back up at home. Sometimes, I would even contact school and tell them what I’d done.
2. I would fight fire with fire. He would come home knowing that there would be more repercussions and would be ready for an argument which quickly escalated.
3.I would always assume that it was wilful instead of neurobiological!
The Shame and the Shift
Perhaps you’re reading this and recognising some of your story in mine which is why this blog is going to centre around something that troubles most parents daily - punishment. I used to feel that punishment was key, that it was my duty as a parent to support school and punish at home as best as I could to show solidarity and responsible parenting.
Now, when I look back, I realise that a lot of my actions were down to shame and embarrassment. Ashamed because of the judgement, embarrassed because of the flooded bathrooms among other incidents!
Except now when I think about it, a lot of my son’s impulsivity and inattention was down to his ADHD and a lot of my shame and fear of judgment was down to my ADHD.
What a mix!
So, now when I am asked by parents about how to improve behaviour and manage phone calls from school, I have a completely different set of answers compared to answers I would have given ten years ago.
Re-thinking Punishment
The truth is research and experts will tell you that punishing a child with ADHD is very different to that of a neurotypical child. Many experts will say that punishment in itself is pretty futile and ill advised, and I would agree that praise and reward in any setting - home or school - is far far more effective than just punishment alone. With greater understanding of ADHD, it is possible to introduce a combination of consequences and rewards to get the very best results.
The Three Cs: Consequences, Calm Communication, and Consistency
Consequences
Some children with ADHD are very reward-driven, others are more sensitive to criticism or punishment. Often it’s a combination of both.
As effective as rewards are, sometimes as parents we ‘dangle a carrot’ in order to motivate our children. However, a child with ADHD is quite often time blind so that a reward for the end of the week can feel too far away and it quickly loses its appeal.
Similarly, taking a reward away for a separate misdemeanour when a child has been working towards something can feel devastating and will do more damage than good. Making rewards timely, inexpensive and frequent works better than a big reward at the end of the week.
Natural consequences
Often letting your child struggle with natural consequences can be more effective than punishments alone. For example, forgetting a PE kit means no PE. Sounds harsh but these can have a positive impact in the long run.
Praise when least expected
Praise delivered in a specific way can completely transform a mood and encourage better behaviour. For example, ‘You got ready on time’ or ‘that’s good planning’. We all like praise but we really like it when someone notices the small efforts and recognises us for it.
Calm Communication
If your child is sensitive to criticism and often responds angrily or emotionally, then timing and delivery is key.
If they seem to be defensive and angry, leave it. If you begin the conversation sounding frustrated and with a raised voice, forget it, you will not get anywhere. Instead, choose your moment, even if it’s a few days later.
Model your regulation, talk about it: ‘I was angry yesterday so I didn’t speak to you about it. I’ve calmed down now and given myself some time to think…’ Model the fact that it’s normal to feel angry and frustrated but it is possible to manage those feelings and arrive at a better place. We have all been there when our child is refusing to accept responsibility. It’s not that they really reject their behaviour, it just hurts more than most to accept it.
My other top tip is to choose a neutral location for your chats. A car or a walk works really well. There’s early evidence in studies to suggest that side by side therapy can boost comfort, open up the possibility of disclosure and improve engagement.
Consistency
When flexibility and compromise is used regularly to support your ADHD child, knowing your boundaries as a parent is essential. Being consistent with certain boundaries protects you from resenting your child and makes it very clear that certain rules are set in stone. For me it was abusive language and violence of any kind. Not to say this never happened, but in my mind, they were the actions that needed to be taken seriously because what seems bad in a 12 year old is a whole different ball game when they’re 16 and 6ft 2.
Having two parents who are on the same page as each other also leads to better consistency and a united front. When consequences or praise are predictable, then the child is more likely to work towards that praise or avoid the action that they know will inevitably come. Besides, unpredictability can often be a welcome dopamine hit so removing that as a possibility saves everyone a lot of time!
The Pushback and the Payoff
Whatever changes you make moving forward, make sure that you’re prepared for the push back. With any change there will be some kind of response from the child as they might feel suddenly disempowered or insecure. Stick with it. This is where following the three Cs can be really beneficial.
Finally, acknowledging that it’s hard for them is important but also recognising that it’s hard for you too is equally important. Avoid the shame, it didn’t serve me and it won’t serve you. Your child can be challenging but whose child isn’t? If this resonates or you are keen to understand more, I help mums and dads find calmer, more confident ways to parent their ADHD children through coaching.
Click the link and book our chat!
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