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Punishment and ADHD Teens: Boundaries, Consequences and Real Life
It may be an unpopular opinion but I believe that punishment is an essential strategy and should be a regular tool in the parent toolkit.
Some may disagree saying that punishing a child or teen with ADHD is not supportive of the condition and may do more damage than good. Poor time management, lack of focus or weak organisation skills for example will definitely not improve through punishment alone. Where we sometimes get this wrong is by putting a blanket ban on punishment regardless of the behaviour.
For example:
You really are down to your last bowl and fork. You know for a fact that there’s a whole range of dirty crockery dotted about every surface of your teen’s bedroom. You call for them to bring it down. No response. You try again. No response. This time you venture in and find them comatose. Without much patience, you demand everything is brought down in the next five minutes or there will be hell to pay!
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Still nothing.
Is this ADHD? Time blindness? Or disrespect? Is this punishable? Or is it time to have a sit down chat about responsibility and mutual respect?
The truth is, we have to ask ourselves, is this ADHD?
Is this not a common battleground that most parents of teenagers find themselves in?
Here’s another example:
Your teen is out with friends. The curfew is 10pm. They roll in around 11.30pm. Your mind has been going over and over every single possible scenario to do with accidents, kidnapping and death. You’ve just spent the last hour and a half, trying to call and get a response to texts. Meanwhile, their response when they walk in is defiant, aggressive, ready for the backlash.
An almighty row takes place, you scream they’re grounded! Like fuel on the fire, the row escalates that bit more until it’s like a scene from Saving Private Ryan.
Knackered, fuming, upset, you both go to your separate corners and nothing feels resolved.
From minor to major, navigating the teen years coupled with ADHD, autism or both is not easy. Relationships can break down and communication can grind to a halt.
So what options do we, as parents, have?
Boundaries
Firstly, I always say to parents, know your boundaries and stick to them. Violence and swearing were my absolute deal-breakers, for everything else I recommend using rewards, incentives, talking things through and natural consequences. Being consistent around your boundaries will bring you peace and set clear parameters for your teens. The breaking of these boundaries will almost always end in punishment of some kind - loss of privileges being the most effective.
Most important of all, when issuing the consequences of their action, don’t do this when tensions are high. For instance, if rolling in an hour and a half late is a clear breaking of a boundary and they know it, they will come ready for a fight. Leave it until the morning when things are calmer. They know it’s coming so why bother with the fight?
Incentives and Rewards
Issuing an ultimatum for not doing something or for not sticking to time can literally be the most frustrating part of parenting an ADHD teen. If we flip that and understand that time blindness and motivation are two key traits we start to see the power of an incentive. This needs to be something enticing and fairly immediate. For example, bring down the dishes and you won't have to wash them up is appealing. Yes, you may have to wash them which sucks but at least there’s been less energy spent on screaming!
Side-note: avoid a reward that asks too much of their executive function system or is so far off into the future, they can’t be bothered.
Natural Consequences
Allowing your teen to suffer from the natural consequences of their actions can be hard to do but often the most effective. Reminding them constantly about homework, books, PE kits etc is useful to begin with but doesn’t teach strategies or foster independence. As parents we can often see into the future and want to clear the path so that our kids don’t suffer, but taking a step back and letting the consequences play out is a bigger lesson than anything we can teach.
Finally, I want you to know that it’s not easy, one minute you’ll feel like you’ve nailed your approach and then you’ll repeat it and it’ll fail spectacularly. Regularly reviewing it in your own mind and altering your strategies is completely normal. Our ADHD teens are a little slower to emotionally mature than neurotypical teens so go easy on them and, more importantly, yourself.
If you’re struggling with your ADHD teen, this is something I work on with parents.
It may be an unpopular opinion but I believe that punishment is an essential strategy and should be a regular tool in the parent toolkit.
Some may disagree saying that punishing a child or teen with ADHD is not supportive of the condition and may do more damage than good. Poor time management, lack of focus or weak organisation skills for example will definitely not improve through punishment alone. Where we sometimes get this wrong is by putting a blanket ban on punishment regardless of the behaviour.
For example:
You really are down to your last bowl and fork. You know for a fact that there’s a whole range of dirty crockery dotted about every surface of your teen’s bedroom. You call for them to bring it down. No response. You try again. No response. This time you venture in and find them comatose. Without much patience, you demand everything is brought down in the next five minutes or there will be hell to pay!
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Still nothing.
Is this ADHD? Time blindness? Or disrespect? Is this punishable? Or is it time to have a sit down chat about responsibility and mutual respect?
The truth is, we have to ask ourselves, is this ADHD?
Is this not a common battleground that most parents of teenagers find themselves in?
Here’s another example:
Your teen is out with friends. The curfew is 10pm. They roll in around 11.30pm. Your mind has been going over and over every single possible scenario to do with accidents, kidnapping and death. You’ve just spent the last hour and a half, trying to call and get a response to texts. Meanwhile, their response when they walk in is defiant, aggressive, ready for the backlash.
An almighty row takes place, you scream they’re grounded! Like fuel on the fire, the row escalates that bit more until it’s like a scene from Saving Private Ryan.
Knackered, fuming, upset, you both go to your separate corners and nothing feels resolved.
From minor to major, navigating the teen years coupled with ADHD, autism or both is not easy. Relationships can break down and communication can grind to a halt.
So what options do we, as parents, have?
Boundaries
Firstly, I always say to parents, know your boundaries and stick to them. Violence and swearing were my absolute deal-breakers, for everything else I recommend using rewards, incentives, talking things through and natural consequences. Being consistent around your boundaries will bring you peace and set clear parameters for your teens. The breaking of these boundaries will almost always end in punishment of some kind - loss of privileges being the most effective.
Most important of all, when issuing the consequences of their action, don’t do this when tensions are high. For instance, if rolling in an hour and a half late is a clear breaking of a boundary and they know it, they will come ready for a fight. Leave it until the morning when things are calmer. They know it’s coming so why bother with the fight?
Incentives and Rewards
Issuing an ultimatum for not doing something or for not sticking to time can literally be the most frustrating part of parenting an ADHD teen. If we flip that and understand that time blindness and motivation are two key traits we start to see the power of an incentive. This needs to be something enticing and fairly immediate. For example, bring down the dishes and you won't have to wash them up is appealing. Yes, you may have to wash them which sucks but at least there’s been less energy spent on screaming!
Side-note: avoid a reward that asks too much of their executive function system or is so far off into the future, they can’t be bothered.
Natural Consequences
Allowing your teen to suffer from the natural consequences of their actions can be hard to do but often the most effective. Reminding them constantly about homework, books, PE kits etc is useful to begin with but doesn’t teach strategies or foster independence. As parents we can often see into the future and want to clear the path so that our kids don’t suffer, but taking a step back and letting the consequences play out is a bigger lesson than anything we can teach.
Finally, I want you to know that it’s not easy, one minute you’ll feel like you’ve nailed your approach and then you’ll repeat it and it’ll fail spectacularly. Regularly reviewing it in your own mind and altering your strategies is completely normal. Our ADHD teens are a little slower to emotionally mature than neurotypical teens so go easy on them and, more importantly, yourself.
If you’re struggling with your ADHD teen, this is something I work on with parents.
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