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I was unfortunate last week to experience some pretty intense feelings around some criticism To be clear, I’ve NEVER been very good at taking criticism and, unfortunately, in my previous career, criticism, gently packaged as ‘feedback,’ was abundant and therefore, I was always either running scared or trying to make something ‘perfect’ to escape negativity.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
Now, as someone with late-diagnosed ADHD, I recognise those intense feelings as RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). Let me tell you, it’s not pleasant. Hearing criticism, whether it is justified or not, can create an actual physical pain that starts in the chest and can drop into the stomach without warning. Furthermore, because of the endless rumination associated with ADHD, that critical comment or accusation can live rent free in someone’s head for well over what is deemed ‘normal’.
While not a formal diagnosis, RSD is widely recognised by ADHD experts and communities as a powerful, lived experience of emotional pain triggered by criticism or rejection. It is linked to ADHD and is recognisable by exaggerated and prolonged reactions. So, my feelings last week made me think about children, in particular teenagers, who go to school and face these kinds of challenges daily.
If we take a typical teenager with ADHD, they may receive comments about being late in the morning, about forgetting important books, homework, reply slips, and so on. They then might receive written or verbal feedback about the work they have done or not done and this is even before we have taken into consideration some of the cruel, or even throwaway, comments made by peers.
When we take all of this into account, we can start to gain insight into emotional dysregulation. What appears to be an overreaction might actually be an accumulation of hurt and pain associated with RSD. How many of us have experienced meltdowns in our kids that seem to appear out of nowhere? Or a sudden aversion to going to school because of something that MIGHT happen? RSD is not based on logic; it is a physical, often emotional, reaction to something that is hurting us that makes the sufferer feel powerless.
RSD has the capacity to mould how someone views themselves, not for a short time but for a very long time. As children, we develop a sense of self through comparisons to others where it’s often safer to step into line with peers by dressing the same, talking and acting the same. Consequently, it’s not uncommon for those with ADHD to be more likely to mask to fit in. This is exhausting and takes hyper-vigilance to make sure that no one is being upset or in danger of discovering the ‘real’ person behind the mask, all to protect themselves from RSD.
So, what can we do to support those with RSD?
- Recognising the pain and acknowledging just how hard it is to overcome is an amazing first step towards healing. Actively listening to the young person without judgement can be extremely powerful.
- Being kind and sensitive with words can save endless confrontations and pacify meltdowns.
- And finally, settling emotional dysregulation requires patience and curiosity because in the throes of an emotional response all logic goes out of the window. In short, curiosity and compassion are the greatest of antidotes.
If any of this sounds familiar in your home, please know you are not alone. Parenting a child with ADHD and RSD can feel exhausting at times, but it does not have to feel impossible. Coaching can give both you and your child practical strategies and, just as importantly, a safe and understanding space to be heard. My door is always open for a free call so we can chat about what you are experiencing and explore whether coaching might be the support you have been looking for.
Book your free call here.
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Hello! Welcome to my blog. To those of you who read this every fortnight, a special wave, and to those of you who are fresh to this, perhaps from last week’s webinar, welcome. Each fortnight I explore a topic I feel most compelled to write about - basically, if my heart isn’t in it, I wouldn’t write about it. The ADHDers in the room are probably nodding along with this as motivation for many with ADHD comes out of something that is ‘heart-led’ or from a deep interest. Without that little dopamine spark, then nothing would get done (at a decent pace) anyway.
So, this week’s blog is about motivation. For individuals, this can be a source of aggravation, frustration, even pain. In fact, when coaching, motivation is most definitely in the top three of subjects that come up as significant blocks that make a person feel ‘stuck’. Let me give you some examples:
Maladaptive simply means an unhelpful or negative way of coping with ADHD and I have heard many over the years. One that really does come up time and time again, is negative self-talk. This is a form of internal bullying designed to make the individual feel so low that they are compelled to change. Sounds counter-productive doesn’t it?
To give you an example, it might revolve around insults that they have heard from others that have really stung or it might be a term they hear often that describes them. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline kick in, and for some people this actually sparks a burst of energy or focus. In that moment, they might flip the insult on its head and push themselves to prove the opposite: “I’ll show you I’m not lazy!”
This reaction to criticism can result in a defiance-driven coping strategy that works in the first instance, but of course, over time this can be damaging to the individual’s feelings of self-worth and self-perception which is why research shows that children and teens with ADHD often struggle more with self-esteem than their peers. This can affect lots of areas of life - from how they feel about themselves at school, in friendships, and in their family, to their confidence in their own body image. In one study, almost half of young people with ADHD scored in the ‘very low’ range for self-esteem, compared with less than 1 in 10 of those without ADHD.
One maladaptive coping strategy that really intrigues me, and that I have heard several times now, is the use of background television or music. This, in itself, is not unusual for someone with ADHD, it can be a source of comfort and stimulation to have something on in the background. However, the more maladaptive choice is to have something playing in the background that creates a stress response. Examples include re-runs of ‘Hell’s Kitchen’, ‘The Hunger Games’ and even the composer Mahler’s opening movement of his Symphony No. 5! Just having something like this sparks the stress and the motivation. I know this only too well as stress used to act as fuel for me, but there are alternatives.
The gentler, more sustainable approaches that don’t rely on cortisol or adrenaline to motivate often centre on balance, positivity and breaking things down into smaller parts. But here’s the challenge: when years have been spent running on stress, it’s not always easy to know what to do differently, or how to make those new patterns stick.
That’s where coaching can help. Coaching creates:
A calm space to untangle old patterns and see what’s really going on.
Support to experiment with new strategies that feel doable.
Encouragement and perspective, reminding you that your worth isn’t tied to stress or last-minute achievements.
If any of this resonates, I’d love to hear from you, even if it’s just to say ‘Yes, I identify!’
I’m also happy to answer any questions or, of course, to have a free chat.
Follow me on LinkedIn for more insights.
So, this week’s blog is about motivation. For individuals, this can be a source of aggravation, frustration, even pain. In fact, when coaching, motivation is most definitely in the top three of subjects that come up as significant blocks that make a person feel ‘stuck’. Let me give you some examples:
- Getting off the phone and being ‘productive’
- Getting to sleep at a reasonable time.
- Getting up
- Eating well
- Studying
- Exercising
- Chores
Maladaptive simply means an unhelpful or negative way of coping with ADHD and I have heard many over the years. One that really does come up time and time again, is negative self-talk. This is a form of internal bullying designed to make the individual feel so low that they are compelled to change. Sounds counter-productive doesn’t it?
To give you an example, it might revolve around insults that they have heard from others that have really stung or it might be a term they hear often that describes them. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline kick in, and for some people this actually sparks a burst of energy or focus. In that moment, they might flip the insult on its head and push themselves to prove the opposite: “I’ll show you I’m not lazy!”
This reaction to criticism can result in a defiance-driven coping strategy that works in the first instance, but of course, over time this can be damaging to the individual’s feelings of self-worth and self-perception which is why research shows that children and teens with ADHD often struggle more with self-esteem than their peers. This can affect lots of areas of life - from how they feel about themselves at school, in friendships, and in their family, to their confidence in their own body image. In one study, almost half of young people with ADHD scored in the ‘very low’ range for self-esteem, compared with less than 1 in 10 of those without ADHD.
One maladaptive coping strategy that really intrigues me, and that I have heard several times now, is the use of background television or music. This, in itself, is not unusual for someone with ADHD, it can be a source of comfort and stimulation to have something on in the background. However, the more maladaptive choice is to have something playing in the background that creates a stress response. Examples include re-runs of ‘Hell’s Kitchen’, ‘The Hunger Games’ and even the composer Mahler’s opening movement of his Symphony No. 5! Just having something like this sparks the stress and the motivation. I know this only too well as stress used to act as fuel for me, but there are alternatives.
The gentler, more sustainable approaches that don’t rely on cortisol or adrenaline to motivate often centre on balance, positivity and breaking things down into smaller parts. But here’s the challenge: when years have been spent running on stress, it’s not always easy to know what to do differently, or how to make those new patterns stick.
That’s where coaching can help. Coaching creates:
A calm space to untangle old patterns and see what’s really going on.
Support to experiment with new strategies that feel doable.
Encouragement and perspective, reminding you that your worth isn’t tied to stress or last-minute achievements.
If any of this resonates, I’d love to hear from you, even if it’s just to say ‘Yes, I identify!’
I’m also happy to answer any questions or, of course, to have a free chat.
Follow me on LinkedIn for more insights.