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Studies into females with ADHD are gradually increasing but would have to move at lightning speed to catch up with research based on both genders.
Research often concludes that masking is one of the fundamental reasons ADHD is so hard to diagnose.
But I would argue that the way the term ‘masking’ is commonly used can gaslight girls. It subtly shifts responsibility for the lack of research and understanding of ADHD in females onto them, rather than onto GPs, research culture, and diagnostic criteria that were never designed with them in mind.
For many girls and young women I have coached, getting that all-important referral or collating evidence from school is an uphill battle. More often than is acceptable, girls leave GP appointments with advice to exercise more or a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. (True story)
So why the masking in the first place?
Research into gender suggests that girls are under greater pressure to meet gender norms. Girls are expected to be hardworking and attentive, qualities closely tied to self-esteem and self-perception.
At the same time, studies into gender bias in classrooms suggest teachers place higher expectations on girls than boys. Poor behaviour is more readily linked to boys, while a ‘misbehaving’ girl is more likely to be scrutinised and corrected more harshly.
Is it any wonder masking is so common?
As someone who has researched this area and worked closely with girls with undiagnosed ADHD, I can tell you the signs are very visible in our schools and colleges. I have spent hours supporting misdiagnosed and undiagnosed girls as they unpick coping strategies that have run their course and left them confused and depleted.
I have supported girls who cry, panic, worry and lose sleep over deadlines, organisation and motivation. But I have spent even more time with those who were completely burnt out by a school system and a society that failed to recognise their needs.
So here are my takeaways. If you work with young people in education, or you are a parent trying to gather evidence for a referral, these traits are commonly seen regardless of masking:
A conscientious girl at school can quickly struggle at college or university, when structure, praise and external validation begin to disappear.
If this sounds like your daughter, reach out and let’s have a conversation.
Research often concludes that masking is one of the fundamental reasons ADHD is so hard to diagnose.
But I would argue that the way the term ‘masking’ is commonly used can gaslight girls. It subtly shifts responsibility for the lack of research and understanding of ADHD in females onto them, rather than onto GPs, research culture, and diagnostic criteria that were never designed with them in mind.
For many girls and young women I have coached, getting that all-important referral or collating evidence from school is an uphill battle. More often than is acceptable, girls leave GP appointments with advice to exercise more or a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. (True story)
So why the masking in the first place?
Research into gender suggests that girls are under greater pressure to meet gender norms. Girls are expected to be hardworking and attentive, qualities closely tied to self-esteem and self-perception.
At the same time, studies into gender bias in classrooms suggest teachers place higher expectations on girls than boys. Poor behaviour is more readily linked to boys, while a ‘misbehaving’ girl is more likely to be scrutinised and corrected more harshly.
Is it any wonder masking is so common?
As someone who has researched this area and worked closely with girls with undiagnosed ADHD, I can tell you the signs are very visible in our schools and colleges. I have spent hours supporting misdiagnosed and undiagnosed girls as they unpick coping strategies that have run their course and left them confused and depleted.
I have supported girls who cry, panic, worry and lose sleep over deadlines, organisation and motivation. But I have spent even more time with those who were completely burnt out by a school system and a society that failed to recognise their needs.
So here are my takeaways. If you work with young people in education, or you are a parent trying to gather evidence for a referral, these traits are commonly seen regardless of masking:
- Good grades or work beyond what is required
- Spending excessive amounts of time on homework
- Persistent fear of being judged by peers
- Rushing ahead and asking questions unrelated to the current task
- Disengagement or frequent daydreaming
- Lots of friends but no clear friendship group
- Sudden emotional outbursts
- Difficulty starting work due to fear it will not be good enough
- How long is homework actually taking?
- How easy is it to reassure the student, or do they remain unconvinced?
- Why are they rushing through the work? Is it genuinely easy, or are they anxious about what comes next?
- Are they conscientious in class but consistently miss deadlines?
- Why is classwork strong but exam performance weaker?
A conscientious girl at school can quickly struggle at college or university, when structure, praise and external validation begin to disappear.
If this sounds like your daughter, reach out and let’s have a conversation.
- Published on
Punishment and ADHD Teens: Boundaries, Consequences and Real Life
It may be an unpopular opinion but I believe that punishment is an essential strategy and should be a regular tool in the parent toolkit.
Some may disagree saying that punishing a child or teen with ADHD is not supportive of the condition and may do more damage than good. Poor time management, lack of focus or weak organisation skills for example will definitely not improve through punishment alone. Where we sometimes get this wrong is by putting a blanket ban on punishment regardless of the behaviour.
For example:
You really are down to your last bowl and fork. You know for a fact that there’s a whole range of dirty crockery dotted about every surface of your teen’s bedroom. You call for them to bring it down. No response. You try again. No response. This time you venture in and find them comatose. Without much patience, you demand everything is brought down in the next five minutes or there will be hell to pay!
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Still nothing.
Is this ADHD? Time blindness? Or disrespect? Is this punishable? Or is it time to have a sit down chat about responsibility and mutual respect?
The truth is, we have to ask ourselves, is this ADHD?
Is this not a common battleground that most parents of teenagers find themselves in?
Here’s another example:
Your teen is out with friends. The curfew is 10pm. They roll in around 11.30pm. Your mind has been going over and over every single possible scenario to do with accidents, kidnapping and death. You’ve just spent the last hour and a half, trying to call and get a response to texts. Meanwhile, their response when they walk in is defiant, aggressive, ready for the backlash.
An almighty row takes place, you scream they’re grounded! Like fuel on the fire, the row escalates that bit more until it’s like a scene from Saving Private Ryan.
Knackered, fuming, upset, you both go to your separate corners and nothing feels resolved.
From minor to major, navigating the teen years coupled with ADHD, autism or both is not easy. Relationships can break down and communication can grind to a halt.
So what options do we, as parents, have?
Boundaries
Firstly, I always say to parents, know your boundaries and stick to them. Violence and swearing were my absolute deal-breakers, for everything else I recommend using rewards, incentives, talking things through and natural consequences. Being consistent around your boundaries will bring you peace and set clear parameters for your teens. The breaking of these boundaries will almost always end in punishment of some kind - loss of privileges being the most effective.
Most important of all, when issuing the consequences of their action, don’t do this when tensions are high. For instance, if rolling in an hour and a half late is a clear breaking of a boundary and they know it, they will come ready for a fight. Leave it until the morning when things are calmer. They know it’s coming so why bother with the fight?
Incentives and Rewards
Issuing an ultimatum for not doing something or for not sticking to time can literally be the most frustrating part of parenting an ADHD teen. If we flip that and understand that time blindness and motivation are two key traits we start to see the power of an incentive. This needs to be something enticing and fairly immediate. For example, bring down the dishes and you won't have to wash them up is appealing. Yes, you may have to wash them which sucks but at least there’s been less energy spent on screaming!
Side-note: avoid a reward that asks too much of their executive function system or is so far off into the future, they can’t be bothered.
Natural Consequences
Allowing your teen to suffer from the natural consequences of their actions can be hard to do but often the most effective. Reminding them constantly about homework, books, PE kits etc is useful to begin with but doesn’t teach strategies or foster independence. As parents we can often see into the future and want to clear the path so that our kids don’t suffer, but taking a step back and letting the consequences play out is a bigger lesson than anything we can teach.
Finally, I want you to know that it’s not easy, one minute you’ll feel like you’ve nailed your approach and then you’ll repeat it and it’ll fail spectacularly. Regularly reviewing it in your own mind and altering your strategies is completely normal. Our ADHD teens are a little slower to emotionally mature than neurotypical teens so go easy on them and, more importantly, yourself.
If you’re struggling with your ADHD teen, this is something I work on with parents.
It may be an unpopular opinion but I believe that punishment is an essential strategy and should be a regular tool in the parent toolkit.
Some may disagree saying that punishing a child or teen with ADHD is not supportive of the condition and may do more damage than good. Poor time management, lack of focus or weak organisation skills for example will definitely not improve through punishment alone. Where we sometimes get this wrong is by putting a blanket ban on punishment regardless of the behaviour.
For example:
You really are down to your last bowl and fork. You know for a fact that there’s a whole range of dirty crockery dotted about every surface of your teen’s bedroom. You call for them to bring it down. No response. You try again. No response. This time you venture in and find them comatose. Without much patience, you demand everything is brought down in the next five minutes or there will be hell to pay!
Five minutes.
Ten minutes.
Still nothing.
Is this ADHD? Time blindness? Or disrespect? Is this punishable? Or is it time to have a sit down chat about responsibility and mutual respect?
The truth is, we have to ask ourselves, is this ADHD?
Is this not a common battleground that most parents of teenagers find themselves in?
Here’s another example:
Your teen is out with friends. The curfew is 10pm. They roll in around 11.30pm. Your mind has been going over and over every single possible scenario to do with accidents, kidnapping and death. You’ve just spent the last hour and a half, trying to call and get a response to texts. Meanwhile, their response when they walk in is defiant, aggressive, ready for the backlash.
An almighty row takes place, you scream they’re grounded! Like fuel on the fire, the row escalates that bit more until it’s like a scene from Saving Private Ryan.
Knackered, fuming, upset, you both go to your separate corners and nothing feels resolved.
From minor to major, navigating the teen years coupled with ADHD, autism or both is not easy. Relationships can break down and communication can grind to a halt.
So what options do we, as parents, have?
Boundaries
Firstly, I always say to parents, know your boundaries and stick to them. Violence and swearing were my absolute deal-breakers, for everything else I recommend using rewards, incentives, talking things through and natural consequences. Being consistent around your boundaries will bring you peace and set clear parameters for your teens. The breaking of these boundaries will almost always end in punishment of some kind - loss of privileges being the most effective.
Most important of all, when issuing the consequences of their action, don’t do this when tensions are high. For instance, if rolling in an hour and a half late is a clear breaking of a boundary and they know it, they will come ready for a fight. Leave it until the morning when things are calmer. They know it’s coming so why bother with the fight?
Incentives and Rewards
Issuing an ultimatum for not doing something or for not sticking to time can literally be the most frustrating part of parenting an ADHD teen. If we flip that and understand that time blindness and motivation are two key traits we start to see the power of an incentive. This needs to be something enticing and fairly immediate. For example, bring down the dishes and you won't have to wash them up is appealing. Yes, you may have to wash them which sucks but at least there’s been less energy spent on screaming!
Side-note: avoid a reward that asks too much of their executive function system or is so far off into the future, they can’t be bothered.
Natural Consequences
Allowing your teen to suffer from the natural consequences of their actions can be hard to do but often the most effective. Reminding them constantly about homework, books, PE kits etc is useful to begin with but doesn’t teach strategies or foster independence. As parents we can often see into the future and want to clear the path so that our kids don’t suffer, but taking a step back and letting the consequences play out is a bigger lesson than anything we can teach.
Finally, I want you to know that it’s not easy, one minute you’ll feel like you’ve nailed your approach and then you’ll repeat it and it’ll fail spectacularly. Regularly reviewing it in your own mind and altering your strategies is completely normal. Our ADHD teens are a little slower to emotionally mature than neurotypical teens so go easy on them and, more importantly, yourself.
If you’re struggling with your ADHD teen, this is something I work on with parents.