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You know the one. Your stomach drops. Your heart races. Your child’s in trouble and you’re not sure what to say next.
I’ve been the teacher making the call… and the parent receiving it.
What should you say at that moment?
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
What do you say to your child for the best?
Okay, so let’s break this down:
What should you say in that moment?
Sometimes it is appropriate to say very little - as my friend is fond of saying, ‘Keep your powder dry’. Gather the facts, ask some questions, ask if it is okay to call back once you have spoken to your child. Thank them for their time. In the past, I would have been very apologetic and sometimes that was appropriate but at other times, perhaps it wasn’t. For example, when my son flooded the school bathroom - that definitely warranted an apology, but when he was rude to some year 6 pupils and then dragged in front of the whole class to apologise - that wasn't. That’s why it’s important to receive the call and then possibly react later when you know a little more.
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
Firstly there are your feelings, perhaps you feel embarrassed, angry or even ashamed? I know, I went through all three of these and then felt despair when what I thought had worked in the past would work again - and it didn’t. When I go into schools to train, I urge schools to put time and energy into having ‘pupil advocates’ - someone who gets to know the child and the family so that when these calls happen there is no blame or unrealistic expectations. Instead there will be empathy for the parent and a cohesive plan that will ensure school and home work together to reach a point where things can move forward.
What do you say to your child for the best?
There is only ONE rule in my book. Do not undermine school or the teacher. I know this is hard, I know that the impulse to protect and defend is strong and I know there are two sides to every story. However, if you do undermine the school, you are diluting the school’s authority and that rarely ends well. The child will think that home will defend them no matter what and this won’t be a deterrent. Even if you do disagree with the school, do not say it to your child, say it to anyone else who will listen, get those frustrations out but keep it under wraps. I liken it to having two parents - one who you got to because you know they will say yes and the other you avoid because you know it’ll be a no. It has to be a united front to get the best outcome.
Finally, when those feelings of shame and embarrassment raise their heads, remember you are doing the best you can. School is a tough environment for our neurodivergent kids and they are learning through their mistakes which is the most effective way of learning in the long run.
Interested in learning more about how to support your child in school or college? Join myself and Lindsay Rocke (The ADHD Big Sister) on the 22nd June 3pm for a a chance to ask questions about how to support and protect family life with ADHD. You can find the link in all of my socials.
I’ve been the teacher making the call… and the parent receiving it.
What should you say at that moment?
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
What do you say to your child for the best?
Okay, so let’s break this down:
What should you say in that moment?
Sometimes it is appropriate to say very little - as my friend is fond of saying, ‘Keep your powder dry’. Gather the facts, ask some questions, ask if it is okay to call back once you have spoken to your child. Thank them for their time. In the past, I would have been very apologetic and sometimes that was appropriate but at other times, perhaps it wasn’t. For example, when my son flooded the school bathroom - that definitely warranted an apology, but when he was rude to some year 6 pupils and then dragged in front of the whole class to apologise - that wasn't. That’s why it’s important to receive the call and then possibly react later when you know a little more.
How do you deal with the storm of feelings that hits first?
Firstly there are your feelings, perhaps you feel embarrassed, angry or even ashamed? I know, I went through all three of these and then felt despair when what I thought had worked in the past would work again - and it didn’t. When I go into schools to train, I urge schools to put time and energy into having ‘pupil advocates’ - someone who gets to know the child and the family so that when these calls happen there is no blame or unrealistic expectations. Instead there will be empathy for the parent and a cohesive plan that will ensure school and home work together to reach a point where things can move forward.
What do you say to your child for the best?
There is only ONE rule in my book. Do not undermine school or the teacher. I know this is hard, I know that the impulse to protect and defend is strong and I know there are two sides to every story. However, if you do undermine the school, you are diluting the school’s authority and that rarely ends well. The child will think that home will defend them no matter what and this won’t be a deterrent. Even if you do disagree with the school, do not say it to your child, say it to anyone else who will listen, get those frustrations out but keep it under wraps. I liken it to having two parents - one who you got to because you know they will say yes and the other you avoid because you know it’ll be a no. It has to be a united front to get the best outcome.
Finally, when those feelings of shame and embarrassment raise their heads, remember you are doing the best you can. School is a tough environment for our neurodivergent kids and they are learning through their mistakes which is the most effective way of learning in the long run.
Interested in learning more about how to support your child in school or college? Join myself and Lindsay Rocke (The ADHD Big Sister) on the 22nd June 3pm for a a chance to ask questions about how to support and protect family life with ADHD. You can find the link in all of my socials.