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It’s the one room of the house we have no real control over: the teenager’s bedroom. If you’re anything like me, you will have admitted defeat part way through age 11 and silently retreated to the other (less rank) part of the house! So what do you do when you open the cupboards and realise there aren’t any glasses or plates left, and that they are, in fact, lying around upstairs in the bedroom of doom conducting their own petri dish experiment?
But here’s the surprise: most of the clients I see below the age of 16 want to talk about how they can finally conquer the problem of the bedroom for themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. For some, having a tidy bedroom means they can finally find what it is they’re looking for; for others, a tidy bedroom equals a tidy mind; and for some, they struggle to sleep if certain micro messes are staring them in the face. And, as you’d expect, they also want less nagging and less shouting!
So how did the problem of the bedroom become so big that it becomes a hot topic for ADHD coaching? Well, really, when you think about it, it’s not about the bedroom at all. What it actually boils down to is executive dysfunction and negative self-perception. Executive function is basically how our brain organises our thoughts and tasks, helps us decide what to do next, manage time, and keep things moving forward, and with ADHD, these processes can feel like juggling invisible balls!
Recently, one of my clients specifically chose the tidying of her bedroom as a topic for a coaching session. We began by establishing why her tidy bedroom was important to her and why being more organised might have a positive impact.
After discussing which elements of tidying bored her the most, we began to rank the jobs from best to worst. Just as we were getting to the real ‘how’ part of the session, my client began to share what had worked and not worked in the past. Having somebody in the room had been helpful. Having music on was unhelpful. Apparently, she had already tried this but had got sidetracked by the playlist. Then we explored other options, such as breaking the job into smaller parts, mixing the ‘bad’ jobs with the ‘best’, and creating a sense of competition.
But then there was a twist. Just as we were establishing a clear way forward, all of a sudden her energy began to shift. She started slumping and sighing and I’m sure at one point there was groaning. In that split second, something had shifted. I brought it up, but she was unsure. Now, when I reflect back, I think she was realising that even with all the strategies that she had just come up with, she was still going to have to do it!
In our next session, I’m going to ask about that because maybe what happened is what happens to many of us - negative self-talk.
‘Why can’t I just tidy it?’
‘Why am I such a failure at this?’
‘How come other people can keep their rooms tidy?’
‘Why am I rubbish?’
Overcoming negative self-perception is a large part of coaching teens. With hormones comes overthinking and, as we all know, being a teenager brings about a strong desire to be like their peers and not stand out. This is why tidying the bedroom is not just about a clean room; it’s symbolic of how something so small can actually represent something much bigger.
I’m not sure how to end this blog, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s about how offers of help might be better, or maybe it’s about just being more aware of how the bedroom can be more symbolic of what’s going on underneath. Either way, it can be tricky, so take every opportunity to spot when your teen does something right. Maybe they have a messy bedroom but can hold a conversation with an adult. Perhaps they leave muddy football boots in the middle of their unmade bed but are intuitive with tons of emotional intelligence. Whatever the state of their bedroom, it’s so important to build their self-belief and challenge negative ways of thinking.
For more information about how coaching can bring out the many qualities of your teen, reach out and let’s talk about how coaching might work for you and your teen.
https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min
But here’s the surprise: most of the clients I see below the age of 16 want to talk about how they can finally conquer the problem of the bedroom for themselves. Yes, you read that correctly. For some, having a tidy bedroom means they can finally find what it is they’re looking for; for others, a tidy bedroom equals a tidy mind; and for some, they struggle to sleep if certain micro messes are staring them in the face. And, as you’d expect, they also want less nagging and less shouting!
So how did the problem of the bedroom become so big that it becomes a hot topic for ADHD coaching? Well, really, when you think about it, it’s not about the bedroom at all. What it actually boils down to is executive dysfunction and negative self-perception. Executive function is basically how our brain organises our thoughts and tasks, helps us decide what to do next, manage time, and keep things moving forward, and with ADHD, these processes can feel like juggling invisible balls!
Recently, one of my clients specifically chose the tidying of her bedroom as a topic for a coaching session. We began by establishing why her tidy bedroom was important to her and why being more organised might have a positive impact.
After discussing which elements of tidying bored her the most, we began to rank the jobs from best to worst. Just as we were getting to the real ‘how’ part of the session, my client began to share what had worked and not worked in the past. Having somebody in the room had been helpful. Having music on was unhelpful. Apparently, she had already tried this but had got sidetracked by the playlist. Then we explored other options, such as breaking the job into smaller parts, mixing the ‘bad’ jobs with the ‘best’, and creating a sense of competition.
But then there was a twist. Just as we were establishing a clear way forward, all of a sudden her energy began to shift. She started slumping and sighing and I’m sure at one point there was groaning. In that split second, something had shifted. I brought it up, but she was unsure. Now, when I reflect back, I think she was realising that even with all the strategies that she had just come up with, she was still going to have to do it!
In our next session, I’m going to ask about that because maybe what happened is what happens to many of us - negative self-talk.
‘Why can’t I just tidy it?’
‘Why am I such a failure at this?’
‘How come other people can keep their rooms tidy?’
‘Why am I rubbish?’
Overcoming negative self-perception is a large part of coaching teens. With hormones comes overthinking and, as we all know, being a teenager brings about a strong desire to be like their peers and not stand out. This is why tidying the bedroom is not just about a clean room; it’s symbolic of how something so small can actually represent something much bigger.
I’m not sure how to end this blog, if I’m honest. Maybe it’s about how offers of help might be better, or maybe it’s about just being more aware of how the bedroom can be more symbolic of what’s going on underneath. Either way, it can be tricky, so take every opportunity to spot when your teen does something right. Maybe they have a messy bedroom but can hold a conversation with an adult. Perhaps they leave muddy football boots in the middle of their unmade bed but are intuitive with tons of emotional intelligence. Whatever the state of their bedroom, it’s so important to build their self-belief and challenge negative ways of thinking.
For more information about how coaching can bring out the many qualities of your teen, reach out and let’s talk about how coaching might work for you and your teen.
https://calendly.com/belshawlouise29/30min