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I have come across many parents who are trying to do their very best to raise, steer and support their ADHD children. It isn’t easy and the list of things to worry about seem endless. A common worry seems to be about the future and how they will cope with the demands of life and adulthood. Other, more immediate worries centre around school, emotions, motivation and organisation. The response to these challenges vary and in this blog I want to devote some time to the different approaches I see, before discussing what works and what just seems to keep parents and carers in a frustrating cycle.
How easy is it to get into a cycle where you are asking your teen to keep their room tidy, be in on time etc and just find yourself banging your head against a brick wall? Bedrotting and gaming are the two of the most frustrating things to put up with and no matter what you do, it just always ends up in an argument.
I have spoken to many young clients whose parents tidy their room for them daily, who nag them into doing homework, pack their PE kit and are always one step ahead of them, always. I admire them for their management skills but it wasn’t something I could ever have done!
Other parents have more of a hands-off approach partly because perpetual nagging has just exhausted them and a begrudging truce is only slightly less annoying.
So what’s the answer? Does either one approach prepare them forlife? Happy, successful in what they pursue and independent? Is it possible to strike a balance between full-on management and a hands-off approach?
Management
First of all, let’s discuss the pros and cons of close management. Managing your children can sometimes feel like it was never a choice to begin with. If you don’t do it, who will? One big advantage of the ‘management’ style is knowing what’s coming next. No detentions because you nagged them into doing homework. No missed classes or matches because you made a note on the calendar way ahead of time and no lost uniform because you cleaned and tidied their bedroom and they know exactly where everything is. Sounds ideal, until school starts to comment on a lack of independence or motivating your teen into doing anything autonomous becomes the battle of the century.
Hands-off Approach
Then, there’s the hands-off approach. Again, not necessarily something that any parent chooses but the alternative just seems to lead to arguments, swearing and even violence. Pros are that the tension in the household lifts. Yes, you have to put up with nocturnal wanderings, gaming in the middle of the night and perpetual phone calls from school but at least there are no threats, yelling or fear. These situations can happen gradually and creep up on a family. More often than not it’s not a conscious choice to be this way, it’s the strain of ADHD and judgement of these situations helps no-one.
Clearly there are no straight answers here but let me introduce you to two concepts I swear by:
Natural Consequences
Not to be confused with consequences. Consequences can be punishments enforced by the parent or carer. Natural consequences are what happen when the teen in question doesn’t prepare for what’s coming even though they’ve had the opportunity to. Many of us support our ADHD teens and their executive functions, this is good. Waiting for some to come ‘online’ is normal. However, if someone is doing it for them all of the time there’s no reason for them to even try. At some point, they have to do life for themselves.
Natural consequences happen when they forget to pack their kit, forget to tell you about a trip or leave it too late to buy what they need for food tech. They happen when the room is so untidy that they can’t find their phone or it’s so dirty they can’t invite friends over. None of these examples result in anything more serious than disappointment but what it teaches them is that if they don’t do it no-one will. The feeling of frustration at not being able to take part is more of a lesson and a reminder than anything you can say.
Sometimes it can be hard - like watching a car crash in slow motion but it’s necessary because how else can they begin to start thinking about what to avoid next time?
Clear Boundaries
This might seem simple but when you’re living in a warzone, fearful of the next eruption having crystal clear boundaries can help. Although we’d all like to live under the same roof as a teenager without angst it’s not possible. There will be negotiations, pushing of boundaries, sometimes full on psychological warfare! What’s important is that you select your non-negotiable boundaries and you stick to them, no matter what.
The impulsive ADHD teen loves nothing more than to figure out a way to win. The important thing for you to consider is what are you willing to let go and what do you stand firm on? Whatever you decide you have to stick to it. Any wavering, any division between parents will split it all open and you’ll be left powerless. I put up with a nocturnal teen for years but when it began to get violent I knew that was a non-negotiable. I got support from wider family, I dug my heels in, I wouldn’t let my child ‘win’ every round. The main message here is if you need more support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Neither approach is a cure-all. At times, you will find yourself frustrated either way. However, if the ultimate goal is for our children to be happy, successful in whatever they pursue and able to live independently, striking a balance and consistency is key.
At the end of the day, we all want them to thrive, but the doubt we place on their ability to do so directly affects how we respond to them now. Too much control can prevent them from developing confidence in their own abilities, while stepping back entirely may leave them without the support they still need. The difficult bit is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Independence develops gradually, by giving our children enough support to feel secure and enough space to discover what they can do for themselves.
For more information on how coaching can work for you and your teen, drop me a message and let's chat.
How easy is it to get into a cycle where you are asking your teen to keep their room tidy, be in on time etc and just find yourself banging your head against a brick wall? Bedrotting and gaming are the two of the most frustrating things to put up with and no matter what you do, it just always ends up in an argument.
I have spoken to many young clients whose parents tidy their room for them daily, who nag them into doing homework, pack their PE kit and are always one step ahead of them, always. I admire them for their management skills but it wasn’t something I could ever have done!
Other parents have more of a hands-off approach partly because perpetual nagging has just exhausted them and a begrudging truce is only slightly less annoying.
So what’s the answer? Does either one approach prepare them forlife? Happy, successful in what they pursue and independent? Is it possible to strike a balance between full-on management and a hands-off approach?
Management
First of all, let’s discuss the pros and cons of close management. Managing your children can sometimes feel like it was never a choice to begin with. If you don’t do it, who will? One big advantage of the ‘management’ style is knowing what’s coming next. No detentions because you nagged them into doing homework. No missed classes or matches because you made a note on the calendar way ahead of time and no lost uniform because you cleaned and tidied their bedroom and they know exactly where everything is. Sounds ideal, until school starts to comment on a lack of independence or motivating your teen into doing anything autonomous becomes the battle of the century.
Hands-off Approach
Then, there’s the hands-off approach. Again, not necessarily something that any parent chooses but the alternative just seems to lead to arguments, swearing and even violence. Pros are that the tension in the household lifts. Yes, you have to put up with nocturnal wanderings, gaming in the middle of the night and perpetual phone calls from school but at least there are no threats, yelling or fear. These situations can happen gradually and creep up on a family. More often than not it’s not a conscious choice to be this way, it’s the strain of ADHD and judgement of these situations helps no-one.
Clearly there are no straight answers here but let me introduce you to two concepts I swear by:
Natural Consequences
Not to be confused with consequences. Consequences can be punishments enforced by the parent or carer. Natural consequences are what happen when the teen in question doesn’t prepare for what’s coming even though they’ve had the opportunity to. Many of us support our ADHD teens and their executive functions, this is good. Waiting for some to come ‘online’ is normal. However, if someone is doing it for them all of the time there’s no reason for them to even try. At some point, they have to do life for themselves.
Natural consequences happen when they forget to pack their kit, forget to tell you about a trip or leave it too late to buy what they need for food tech. They happen when the room is so untidy that they can’t find their phone or it’s so dirty they can’t invite friends over. None of these examples result in anything more serious than disappointment but what it teaches them is that if they don’t do it no-one will. The feeling of frustration at not being able to take part is more of a lesson and a reminder than anything you can say.
Sometimes it can be hard - like watching a car crash in slow motion but it’s necessary because how else can they begin to start thinking about what to avoid next time?
Clear Boundaries
This might seem simple but when you’re living in a warzone, fearful of the next eruption having crystal clear boundaries can help. Although we’d all like to live under the same roof as a teenager without angst it’s not possible. There will be negotiations, pushing of boundaries, sometimes full on psychological warfare! What’s important is that you select your non-negotiable boundaries and you stick to them, no matter what.
The impulsive ADHD teen loves nothing more than to figure out a way to win. The important thing for you to consider is what are you willing to let go and what do you stand firm on? Whatever you decide you have to stick to it. Any wavering, any division between parents will split it all open and you’ll be left powerless. I put up with a nocturnal teen for years but when it began to get violent I knew that was a non-negotiable. I got support from wider family, I dug my heels in, I wouldn’t let my child ‘win’ every round. The main message here is if you need more support, don’t be afraid to ask for it.
Neither approach is a cure-all. At times, you will find yourself frustrated either way. However, if the ultimate goal is for our children to be happy, successful in whatever they pursue and able to live independently, striking a balance and consistency is key.
At the end of the day, we all want them to thrive, but the doubt we place on their ability to do so directly affects how we respond to them now. Too much control can prevent them from developing confidence in their own abilities, while stepping back entirely may leave them without the support they still need. The difficult bit is knowing when to step in and when to step back. Independence develops gradually, by giving our children enough support to feel secure and enough space to discover what they can do for themselves.
For more information on how coaching can work for you and your teen, drop me a message and let's chat.