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As we enter into the six-week summer holidays, routines change, structures loosen and life gets that little bit easier. Not having to drag teens out of bed or force them to do homework can immediately bring about much needed peace. But what happens without structure?
I hear from many parents who talk about how gaming can completely take over any spare time that’s been created. Late mornings turn into early afternoons and, before we know it, we’re dealing with a nocturnal teenager who bears an uncanny resemblance to Edvard Munch’s ‘Scream’.
At first, as parents, we are tempted into thinking that they deserve the downtime and, as it happens, so do we! It’s not easy being the PA to a teen. Remembering their deadlines as well as our own; fielding calls from school; or trying desperately to get them to eat anything green. Getting them into bed / getting them out of bed. Being the sounding board / metaphorical punch bag as they seek out a dopamine rush from you or their siblings… No, it’s far from easy!
This is why, at first, the summer holidays feel like you can breathe out for the first time in months. So, how does it go when there is no real routine to think of and are there any benefits?
Well, firstly, my advice would be: don’t give up on the routine altogether. As much as structure, deadlines and doing things they don’t want to do put a strain on relationships, a lack of structure leaves plenty of space and thinking time that the idle ADHD brain rushes to fill. Even with scrolling, gaming, Snapchat, YouTube and WhatsApp, boredom can still start to take over and bring about snappiness and low mood.
One study found that young adults with ADHD traits were much more prone to boredom than their peers, with difficulties controlling attention and using working memory appearing to partly explain why.
Without the routine and external structure of school, the loss of social contact, purposeful activity and regular sleep patterns can leave them vulnerable to boredom, under-stimulation and low mood. That doesn’t mean spare time itself causes depression. The relationship can work both ways: low mood can make it harder to start or enjoy activities, leading to more time spent doing very little and feeling increasingly stuck. It can become a difficult cycle rather than a simple case of boredom causing depression.
So, what can we do as parents?
Well, in many ways, parenting a teenager or young person with ADHD means being firm about certain boundaries. Because moods can be unpredictable, it can be really challenging to put boundaries in place and stick to them. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight, but at other times it’s absolutely necessary to hold your ground and put some structure in place. It’s all about finding a balance between what they want to do and what they need to do.
So here are my top tips:
Figure out what YOUR deal breakers are as parents and stand firm together.
If it’s sleep, then devices need to be switched off or handed over by a certain time. If late or there’s push back, they forfeit having them the following day. Better still, handing them in on time can mean they get an extra hour at the weekend. (Any reward will work better than a punishment.)
Don’t be afraid to wake them up! It's tempting to let them sleep in every day but a reasonable wake up call combined with a brew or a chat can make a big difference.
I speak to many young people who like the feeling they get from being up relatively early having completed a productive task, it sets them up for the day and gives them energy. Whereas lying in bed is great, they often talk about how important it is for them to be productive so when they don’t quite match their goal they can begin to feel low.
If your boundary is them keeping themselves and their bedroom clean, then set a day each week for the tidying to be done. I’m not going to lie here, you may have to body-double. This does not mean doing it for them but perhaps starting and asking them to do one task at a time whilst you stay in the room.
If your boundary is going out with the family, then give them plenty of notice and stay firm. Last minute trips out which impact gaming or plans with their friends will not end well!
As parents, because of the push back we can experience, it can often feel not worth the fight, but then we sit with guilt and watch as they slowly transform into zombies. In a few weeks they won’t be recognisable and then you’ll have to somehow get them back into a school routine and back into the land of the living.
Structure of some sort helps with cognition, wards off low mood and balances overthinking. It’s not easy to implement but in the long term, it’ll be worth it.
Does any of this sound familiar? I'd love to hear whether your experiences are similar to mine.
I currently have a small number of slots available for 1-1 coaching for both young people and parents. Click the link below for a 30 minute complimentary chat and discover how coaching can bring out the best in you and your teen.
I hear from many parents who talk about how gaming can completely take over any spare time that’s been created. Late mornings turn into early afternoons and, before we know it, we’re dealing with a nocturnal teenager who bears an uncanny resemblance to Edvard Munch’s ‘Scream’.
At first, as parents, we are tempted into thinking that they deserve the downtime and, as it happens, so do we! It’s not easy being the PA to a teen. Remembering their deadlines as well as our own; fielding calls from school; or trying desperately to get them to eat anything green. Getting them into bed / getting them out of bed. Being the sounding board / metaphorical punch bag as they seek out a dopamine rush from you or their siblings… No, it’s far from easy!
This is why, at first, the summer holidays feel like you can breathe out for the first time in months. So, how does it go when there is no real routine to think of and are there any benefits?
Well, firstly, my advice would be: don’t give up on the routine altogether. As much as structure, deadlines and doing things they don’t want to do put a strain on relationships, a lack of structure leaves plenty of space and thinking time that the idle ADHD brain rushes to fill. Even with scrolling, gaming, Snapchat, YouTube and WhatsApp, boredom can still start to take over and bring about snappiness and low mood.
One study found that young adults with ADHD traits were much more prone to boredom than their peers, with difficulties controlling attention and using working memory appearing to partly explain why.
Without the routine and external structure of school, the loss of social contact, purposeful activity and regular sleep patterns can leave them vulnerable to boredom, under-stimulation and low mood. That doesn’t mean spare time itself causes depression. The relationship can work both ways: low mood can make it harder to start or enjoy activities, leading to more time spent doing very little and feeling increasingly stuck. It can become a difficult cycle rather than a simple case of boredom causing depression.
So, what can we do as parents?
Well, in many ways, parenting a teenager or young person with ADHD means being firm about certain boundaries. Because moods can be unpredictable, it can be really challenging to put boundaries in place and stick to them. Sometimes, it’s just not worth the fight, but at other times it’s absolutely necessary to hold your ground and put some structure in place. It’s all about finding a balance between what they want to do and what they need to do.
So here are my top tips:
Figure out what YOUR deal breakers are as parents and stand firm together.
If it’s sleep, then devices need to be switched off or handed over by a certain time. If late or there’s push back, they forfeit having them the following day. Better still, handing them in on time can mean they get an extra hour at the weekend. (Any reward will work better than a punishment.)
Don’t be afraid to wake them up! It's tempting to let them sleep in every day but a reasonable wake up call combined with a brew or a chat can make a big difference.
I speak to many young people who like the feeling they get from being up relatively early having completed a productive task, it sets them up for the day and gives them energy. Whereas lying in bed is great, they often talk about how important it is for them to be productive so when they don’t quite match their goal they can begin to feel low.
If your boundary is them keeping themselves and their bedroom clean, then set a day each week for the tidying to be done. I’m not going to lie here, you may have to body-double. This does not mean doing it for them but perhaps starting and asking them to do one task at a time whilst you stay in the room.
If your boundary is going out with the family, then give them plenty of notice and stay firm. Last minute trips out which impact gaming or plans with their friends will not end well!
As parents, because of the push back we can experience, it can often feel not worth the fight, but then we sit with guilt and watch as they slowly transform into zombies. In a few weeks they won’t be recognisable and then you’ll have to somehow get them back into a school routine and back into the land of the living.
Structure of some sort helps with cognition, wards off low mood and balances overthinking. It’s not easy to implement but in the long term, it’ll be worth it.
Does any of this sound familiar? I'd love to hear whether your experiences are similar to mine.
I currently have a small number of slots available for 1-1 coaching for both young people and parents. Click the link below for a 30 minute complimentary chat and discover how coaching can bring out the best in you and your teen.