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How much impact does all or nothing thinking have on teens with ADHD?
In coaching, all or nothing thinking is probably at the top of my most discussed topics. It does not present itself straight away as this, but as sessions develop, more often than not, whatever the topic, all or nothing thinking is responsible for a lot of self-held beliefs.
Why is all or nothing thinking so common in teens with ADHD?
Being neurodivergent means that filtering a complex world has its challenges, so sometimes it is easier to ‘pick a lane’, and stick to it. Difficulties with executive functions also mean that there are challenges with flexible thinking, or even simply weighing up options effectively.
For me, I struggle to tolerate ‘in-between’ states. I want it to happen yesterday. Not that I struggle with patience, because I do not. It is more a case of wanting to rip the plaster off, or even to will the situation to its end goal, so I can deal with the results and move on.
A simple way to understand all or nothing thinking
One client recently talked about ‘all’ being the colour green, and ‘nothing’ being yellow. When I gently challenged the thinking, she said maybe the middle ground is a mixture of the two, and is orange.
How all or nothing thinking affects motivation
I have seen it play out with young people in different ways.
Many clients struggle with motivation. More often than not, it is mundane tasks such as tidying their bedroom, starting homework, or revising. As the brain begins to think about the task, and starts breaking down the various steps required, quite quickly it becomes overwhelming.
This is made worse by the thought of having to get it to a point where it looks like a showroom. All of a sudden, the amount of energy it would take to push through the tedium is just not worth it.
Minutes become hours, and nothing gets done.
The speed it takes for the brain to visualise the end product cannot be underestimated. This is where all or nothing thinking comes in, and completely sabotages them. ‘Showroom’ standards have raised the bar so high, it's just not worth it.
When all or nothing thinking leads to paralysis
One client came to me two years ago, struggling with being able to write under timed conditions. In her mind, the minute that clock started, she was under the most unbearable pressure.
Instead of starting, and just doing her best, she was paralysed with ‘what ifs’:
- What if my opening paragraph makes no sense?
- What if I get halfway, and realise I have picked the wrong question to answer?
- What if I fail?
Suddenly, it is not about putting pen to paper, and working through it. Now it is about how I am going to fail.
How coaching challenges all or nothing thinking
So, how does coaching challenge all or nothing thinking, and turn procrastination, or the freeze response, into action?
It is actually pretty simple. I ask about the middle ground. What does a little bit of progress look like, in comparison to done?
Forget about the end goal, what does the job look like half-done? Is this not better than not started?
For many, this is a lightbulb moment. Suddenly, the pressure is off, no one has failed, and it is not insurmountable.
Why small steps work for ADHD brains
A bedroom can be improved by just picking up the clothes.
Exam results can be improved with a page of writing, as opposed to nothing at all.
This is the thinking behind why we encourage teachers, and parents, to chunk up tasks, and then reward afterwards in some way. We are creating motivation by taking away the bigger picture. We are building self-esteem by saying ‘done is better than perfect’, and we are removing the barriers that stand in the way of someone with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder wanting to reach their goals.
Support for all or nothing thinking in ADHD teens
Does this ring true for you or a loved one?
If you want to know more about how to respond positively to all or nothing thinking, book a chat with me.